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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend a strangers funeral?

66 replies

Angeladelight · 08/01/2016 20:31

To give some background, I currently live with DP and his father. A lady who lives nearby has recently passed away and her funeral is next week. I've been asked by DPs father to attend her funeral. I never met this woman or her family so I'd feel very awkward going to her funeral. DPs father says as we (me, DP and father) are a family unit we must all attend together as it is the done thing. Now I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for not wanting to go?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/01/2016 20:32

What does DP say?

Original poster
Angeladelight · 08/01/2016 20:35

DP doesn't want to go either as doesn't know the family well but I imagine that DPs father will kick up enough of a fuss that DP will go.

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 08/01/2016 20:35

I'm Irish and the answer to the question is nearly always "go to the funeral" where I'm from but even I would this is optional for you. You didn't know her, she isn't related to your DP so no need for you to go. Your DP and his father should go as they know her and her famiily.

I also don't think you are a family unit just because you've moved in for a while.

gabsdot45 · 08/01/2016 20:36

In Ireland this would be quite normal, but don't go if you don't want to.

londonrach · 08/01/2016 20:36

Does dp and dp father know this lady? Sadly some people die without people who could attend their funeral. Maybe dp father thinks this is such a case. In that case its a nice act if strangers attend the funeral.

Original poster
Angeladelight · 08/01/2016 20:38

From what I gathered from the conversation, she is a beloved lady in the community and it will be a busy (?) funeral. I don't think DPs father was very close to her but knew of her well and as I said she was beloved in the local community so I can see why he would want to go. I just feel like going to the funeral of a stranger is false and intrusive. That being said I've only ever been to 3 funerals in my life...

OP posts:
user7755 · 08/01/2016 20:38

I'd go to support your FIL.

CakeRavager · 08/01/2016 20:38

I think YANBU because honestly, I don't see the point and would think it a godawful waste of time if it were me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/01/2016 20:40

My theory would go like this; if your DFIL can't ask for support but that's actually what he wants; if there won't be many people there; if your DP wants you to support him... go. If not, don't.

ImperialBlether · 08/01/2016 20:43

He's a bit of a bossy boots, isn't he?

Original poster
Angeladelight · 08/01/2016 20:44

imperial that's a thread for a different day!

OP posts:
RealityCheque · 08/01/2016 21:04

It's weird. YANBU.

notquitehuman · 08/01/2016 21:08

It's a little strange. I'm guessing it'll make your FIL feel better about things though, so it might be worth making an appearance. When I've been to family funerals there have always been people milling about who I don't recognise but who want to pay their respects.

LynetteScavo · 08/01/2016 21:12

I think it depends on what else you've got on. If you were just going to sit at home and watch TV then it would be a nice thing to do, but if you would be at work, or need to get childcare, I think you can reasonably not go.

BackforGood · 08/01/2016 21:22

YANBU.
I don't even expect dh to attend a funeral of someone, unless it was someone whose funeral he would attend, off his own bat, if he weren't married to me IYSWIM.

Your FiL is strange in wanting either or or even his ds to go.

I'd think it odd if someone came to someone in my family's funeral who didn't know them, and when I spoke to them clearly couldn't say anything about them... I'd be thinking 'how rude of this freeloader to come along for a free cuppa and a cake !'

rednsparkley · 08/01/2016 21:37

I have been to a couple of strangers funerals but mostly because I wanted to support my friends (it was friends´ parents´ funerals) and not particularly because I felt the need to pay my last respects. My friends asked for support and I was more than happy to give it.

However, in your situation I would not be attending as there seems to me to be no compelling reason for you to do so

pasturesgreen · 08/01/2016 21:44

I was always taught that one person per family unit, two people at most, was perfectly adequate.

I'm perplexed at this notion that you all have to go together, particularly as you didn't know the deceased at all.

I'd have absolutely no qualms not going. Would you even be able to get time off work to attend? Don't think so.

Original poster
Angeladelight · 08/01/2016 22:26

DP and I are off work anyway next week so that's not an issue. I don't think he'd expect us to take time off for it but because he knows we're about that's why he's asked. I think if I had met the woman even once I'd be more comfortable with it. DP has now said he's going to go as doesn't want to war with his dad Hmm

OP posts:
xmasseason · 08/01/2016 22:44

YANBU. Someone can invite you to attend a funeral, but not tell you that you "must" attend! The "done thing" in this instance is whatever you decide you will do.

saoirse31 · 08/01/2016 23:17

Im suprised that an adult, even a young one, has only been to three funerals, but I'm irish!! I'd definitely go as she was a neighbour.

SwedishEdith · 08/01/2016 23:18

I love funerals. I'd go if I was already off.

MississippiMud314 · 08/01/2016 23:20

I wouldn't. I've never been to the funeral of somebody I haven't met Confused

It would seem inappropriate to me. Grief tourism or something.

saoirse31 · 08/01/2016 23:22

Grief tourism?? Or acknowledging neighbours death and supporting your fil...

Hismumhermum · 08/01/2016 23:23

I am in my four ties but have only been to three-brother, uncle, father. There have been other family funerals but I have not been living in the same country.

Hismumhermum · 08/01/2016 23:25

Sorry, forties