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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend a strangers funeral?

66 replies

Angeladelight · 08/01/2016 20:31

To give some background, I currently live with DP and his father. A lady who lives nearby has recently passed away and her funeral is next week. I've been asked by DPs father to attend her funeral. I never met this woman or her family so I'd feel very awkward going to her funeral. DPs father says as we (me, DP and father) are a family unit we must all attend together as it is the done thing. Now I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for not wanting to go?

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 08/01/2016 23:26

Only 4 by your 40s? Wow, have been to loads (Irish background though)

Hismumhermum · 08/01/2016 23:29

i have heard that of Ireland! Originally some of my family might have been Irish but it is well diluted now.

knobblyknee · 08/01/2016 23:31

I think your FIL may want some moral support and doesnt want to go alone.
Plus its very old school to make sure theres a good turn out at a funeral.

Would it kill you to do it for him?

Canyouforgiveher · 08/01/2016 23:32

He's a bit of a bossy boots, isn't he?

imperial that's a thread for a different day!

I don't think it is really OP. I think your FIL has declared you to be part of his family unit and thus subject to his decisions. He is being a bossy boots and you might want to nip this one in the bud.

Like I said upthread, I'm Irish. I ALWAYS go to the funeral. But even I might say no thanks to the funeral of a woman I didn't know, where I don't know any of her family, nor they me, and am not related to her just because my FIL (well he isn't your FIL-he is your partner's father-I say this to emphasize that you can take or leave the family unit thing) said so. This might be a good time to remain independent.

(I had been to 4 funerals by the time I was 3-possibly younger!)

scarlets · 08/01/2016 23:34

I think that your FiL really wants you there. If she was his age, he might be having morbid thoughts about his own position, and feeling low. I don't know. But - whatever - he seems to need you and some people can't say "I need you".

So, if it's not a major hassle with childcare and work, go to it.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/01/2016 23:54

"Im suprised that an adult, even a young one, has only been to three funerals"

I'm not far from forty and have only been to 3 funerals, grandmother, grandfather and one of my mother's cousins (though my parents tried to dissuade me from travelling to the cousin's). Like Hismum, I lived abroad for a while so missed other family funerals. Where I lived when I was abroad it was usual for colleagues to attend the funerals of their colleagues' family members. I always stayed at the office to cover the phone on those occasions because I would have felt so uncomfortable at a stranger's funeral, not even the relative of a friend.

Original poster
Angeladelight · 09/01/2016 09:13

Don't want to go into too much of DP and his dad's personal life but they have suffered a lot of loss in recent years. I think DPs s dad is severely depressed as a result and gets upset when DP has a different emotional response. I do agree that it would be nice to offer him the emotional support and I am happy to do so, but I can't get over the thought of seeing this poor woman's family and friends grieving. The woman's family have never met me, nor I them. I'd feel intrusive but am aware it's not just my feelings I need to consider.

OP posts:
amazingtracy · 09/01/2016 11:24

This is one of the huge differences between the Irish and the British! Attending a funeral in Ireland is seen as a mark of respect to the deceased and a token of support to the family.
I would always attend a neighbours funeral as a mark of respect to the person and the community I live in.

I love our tradition of an Irish wake - the house is open to the neighbours, friends and family. the deceased is often in a dedicated room in the house. Family members bring all manners of cups, teapots, cakes,chairs and sandwiches and we celebrate their life. It's a beautiful mark of respect and support.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 09/01/2016 11:30

I would just leave your dp to go. I wouldn't go at all, I would feel like I was intruding on the familys grief and I wouldn't know what to say if someone asked me how I knew the lady.

I'm 36 and have also only been to 3 funerals, and I won't attend another unless it is a very close family member.

BogusCatAndThePunk · 09/01/2016 11:32

Supporting the Irish here.

If I didn't know the person on a individual basis, like this I'd go to the funeral but not the wake. In my eyes funeral= public, wake(or whatever) family & friends.

It's still commented on what a 'lovely big turnout' there was for my fathers funeral. It's seen as acknowledgment that yes he was respected (and very loved) by all who knew him.

But I also know that funerals are seen as private things here in the UK, but that does seem to be changing.

saoirse31 · 09/01/2016 11:37

Its a big cultural difference isn't it? Irish peoples default is to go to funeral of neighbour, friend or colleagues close family member etc, English default is completely the opposite, well based on this thread. Wonder where that comes from, is it mainly a religious difference or what? Would English Catholics share the same reluctance to attend neighbours funeral for example?

Its like the children at funerals question, often asked here, prob rarely asked in Ireland as children frequently go to funerals

NoahVale · 09/01/2016 11:44

it wouldnt kill you to go, I agree, I think if he is depressed and needs the support, he feels it is the right thign to do, can't be any skin off your nose.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/01/2016 11:54

"Would English Catholics share the same reluctance to attend neighbours funeral for example? "

I don't know about English Catholics, but an example from (Catholic Belgium). A colleague told me that when she lost her father her whole school class came in a big bus. As I mentioned before, for a colleague's relative, a whole small organisation would go, or in a bigger organisation the department or floor.

SwedishEdith · 09/01/2016 11:56

But, you'd be supporting your dp's dad OP. That's enough reason (if you feel you need one) to go to a funeral.

Whilst the funeral mass itself can be emotional the "wake" afterwards is usually good fun - just a big release.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 09/01/2016 12:01

OP, if it makes you feel any better, there were a few people I'd never met before at my father's funeral, and if any of them had been there as a support to someone that knew him/a neighbour/ an acquaintance etc, I wouldn't have cared one jot. It just meant people cared enough to pay their respects - and that's a nice thing. I wouldn't see it as intrusive at all.

karalime · 09/01/2016 12:01

Another anglo-Irish person here. At my grandparents funerals I had no idea who anyone was, but I was touched that people had made the effort.

You can make this all about you and how you don't like the idea, or you can go and support your dp and his dad.

If anyone asks just say 'I'm sorry for your troubles, I've heard she was a lovely friend and neighbour'.

diddl · 09/01/2016 12:04

"But, you'd be supporting your dp's dad OP."

But his son will be going for that reason?

MintyChops · 09/01/2016 12:04

Must be an Irish thing; I would go. OP are you in Irelend or is your FIL Irish?

Sparkletastic · 09/01/2016 12:04

I wouldn't go.

diddl · 09/01/2016 12:06

I've never heard of it being a "done thing" to attend a funeral as a family.

Not Irish or Catholic.

Hellochicken · 09/01/2016 12:28

I recently moved to Ireland but am from UK.

Here I'd go if I was asked (just haven't been) people here go to the funeral of a colleagues relatives, or the funeral of neighbours relative. Many times SILs tell me they are going to "such and such" funeral as a representative of their work or family.

Whereas in UK there is no way I'd go to funeral unless I knew the person who died, enough that I was sad they had died, and had been invited.

I've only been to 9 funerals and I am 35. They were all relatives.

How old is your DPs father?
Is he Irish?

LemonySmithit · 09/01/2016 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBattleaxe · 09/01/2016 12:32

I think he just wants you both to go with him. He wants your company.

Savagebeauty · 09/01/2016 12:35

I'm 55 and have only been to 2 funerals...my parents.
I wouldn't go to a stranger's. Didn't go to MIL's.

SwedishEdith · 09/01/2016 12:40

Was your MIL a stranger?

I find this really interesting. I'm early 50s and totted up nearly 20 funerals very quickly. I'm getting to the age where it's probably 1 a year now. Partner is younger, non-Irish/Catholic and could only think of about 4 or 5.

No wonder I find I don't really identify with being 'English' Grin

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