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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a little bit miffed he didn't discuss this with me first?

68 replies

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 17:46

Hi all,

I'm prepared to admit I'm BU here if the general consensus is that I am...

My partner of 3 years sent me a text at work to say his boss has asked him to take on a new role at work which means a pay rise of approx £200 per month but also with it longer hours. He already has a longish commute which can take him 2 hours in bad traffic so this will impact on time together as a family as well as costing approx £80 per month extra on childcare and transport as he will no longer be able to collect me/ds as he does currently.
He's really pleased and sees it as a vote of confidence from his boss that they offered him this, is pleased with the money which of course I am too. The slight problem I have is that he just accepted there and then without any discussion with me as to how it will impact us etc. When he sent the text I thought he meant we'd discuss it tonight because he worded it as 'my boss has asked me...' I asked just now has he accepted it and he said 'of course'.

So sick it to me...AIBU? Should he have discussed this and the implications etc with me first before accepting (we still now haven't had chance to talk about anything regarding it or the fact that it will cost us more in childcare etc as he is out with his son) or am I being a misery?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 17:47

I meant SOCK it to me, of course!

OP posts:

Asskicker · 05/01/2016 17:49

He should have discussed it with your first imo. And worked out wether the extra money was worth it.

Personally though I would have supported dh in this. As he would me.

QuiteLikely5 · 05/01/2016 17:52

I don't think it's right that, if you are offered a promotion that you tell your boss that you can't accept it in case your other half doesn't agree.

In theory it doesn't sound bad but in the actual moment I think the boss would see that response as a negative one

WickedWax · 05/01/2016 17:57

Of course you don't say "I can't accept it in case my other half doesn't agree"

but it's perfectly reasonable to say "sounds like a great opportunity, I'll have to talk it over with Bocolate tonight as it does impact on our childcare and transport arrangements, I'll get back to you tomorrow if that's ok".

RealityCheque · 05/01/2016 17:57

Quitelikely, you are correct. IF the boss is a wanker.

How many extra hours, OP? Because frankly if its more than a couple a week then his hourlr rate will probably be going DOWN. (Depending on current salary ofc).

RealityCheque · 05/01/2016 17:58

Exactly what wickedwax said. (Except the last three words).

BlueJug · 05/01/2016 17:58

Ideally, yes, but I'd expect him to take it and would support him in it. I would also take a decision about my own career without expecting approval or otherwise - but I am probably in the minority.

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 17:59

Thanks for the input so far. It's an extra hour per day.

OP posts:

RealityCheque · 05/01/2016 18:01

That's fine bluejug if it only affects you. When it affects current travel arrangements, childcare costs, and time at home for less then £30 extra a week then fuck that.

RealityCheque · 05/01/2016 18:04

So that's approx 20 extra hours a month. So about £10 per hour. If he currently earns more than this then his hourly rate has gone down.

Factor in the extra childcare costs and its practically a minimum wage increase.

Saxons · 05/01/2016 18:04

He should have said 'yes I'd like to accept and will confirm tomorrow'

jackstini · 05/01/2016 18:10

Does the extra hour mean traffic will be better or worse?

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 18:12

Good question about traffic-he currently finishes at 4:30 (often not leaving till 5)and will now finish at 5:30 so potentially worse!

OP posts:

Dipankrispaneven · 05/01/2016 18:18

If he normally leaves at 5 I doubt that he is any worse off at 5.30. But can he juggle his hours at all so that he misses the worst traffic?

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 18:21

I don't think so Dip (good username btw!) He said his hours will be 8-5:30 so it sounds pretty set in stone.

OP posts:

Bakeoffcake · 05/01/2016 18:24

Yanbu

He'll probably pay tax and NI on the extra £200, so that plus the £80 extra childcare won't leave very much at all.

littleleftie · 05/01/2016 18:25

So if he finishes at 5 and will be leaving at 5.30 that is only 30 mins extra? In fact, he will be paid for the extra work he has been doing unpaid, is that correct OP?

I think YAB a little bit U as the employment market is bloody tough. DH is happy and excited and it would be nice if you could share his pleasure.

Why does he have to pick you up? Could you afford another car with the extra money? Try to focus on the positives

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 18:31

I wouldn't see an offer of working 250 extra hours for an extra thousand pounds as much of a vote of confidence.

TBH if I was offered a deal like that I would be very clear that my boss thought I was a complete idiot.

He has just accepted a crap offer way too quickly and now your family will be worse off.

What a plonker.

Asskicker · 05/01/2016 18:32

Sometimes promotions aren't just about the money though.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 18:34

Promotions are always about money. Just like jobs are about money.

If someone isn't prepared to pay you for your work, then working for them just confirms that your work is of no value.

AliMonkey · 05/01/2016 18:35

I would be very unhappy if DH accepted such a role without discussing. He is currently considering changing jobs and I have told him that I would not be happy if he took a role that meant more time away from home and definitely would not support him getting a role that meant he couldn't do the one drop off (to breakfast club) and one pick up (from after school club) that he does each week, given I already cover everything else. But we are lucky enough to be in a position where we could happily get by with less money so I'd love it if he went part time instead!

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 18:38

Thanks again-I'm taking all your replies in. Funkster, I can't manage to get your figures to work out-could you explain your maths please, it never was my strong point

OP posts:

icklekid · 05/01/2016 18:39

I think asskicker means he might enjoy the new job opportunity regardless of the money. I would happily support my dh doing a job he preferred even if it means a slight pay cut if we could afford it.

Asskicker · 05/01/2016 18:39

Promotions are always about money. Just like jobs are about money.

I disagree. Circumstances, like childcare, may mean with this promotion there isn't much difference to household income.

But puts you in a better position for the next step up, more experience.

Employment is sometimes a long game.

WickedWax · 05/01/2016 18:40

It doesn't seem like much of a promotion, financial or otherwise.

What you'll find is, if his previous finishing time was 4.30 but he was often not leaving till 5, it'll now be officially 5.30 but often not leaving till 6.

£200 (minus £80 for childcare and transport) plus however many extra hours work per month, I think your DH has been mugged off.

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