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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little bit miffed he didn't discuss this with me first?

68 replies

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 17:46

Hi all,

I'm prepared to admit I'm BU here if the general consensus is that I am...

My partner of 3 years sent me a text at work to say his boss has asked him to take on a new role at work which means a pay rise of approx £200 per month but also with it longer hours. He already has a longish commute which can take him 2 hours in bad traffic so this will impact on time together as a family as well as costing approx £80 per month extra on childcare and transport as he will no longer be able to collect me/ds as he does currently.
He's really pleased and sees it as a vote of confidence from his boss that they offered him this, is pleased with the money which of course I am too. The slight problem I have is that he just accepted there and then without any discussion with me as to how it will impact us etc. When he sent the text I thought he meant we'd discuss it tonight because he worded it as 'my boss has asked me...' I asked just now has he accepted it and he said 'of course'.

So sick it to me...AIBU? Should he have discussed this and the implications etc with me first before accepting (we still now haven't had chance to talk about anything regarding it or the fact that it will cost us more in childcare etc as he is out with his son) or am I being a misery?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 05/01/2016 18:41

I think accepting outright regardless of my discussion was a foolish decision. as a Pp said he could end up technically earning less. even five mins can make a.hell of a difference with regards to traffic.

he shouldn't have turned it down because of you. however he should have taken some time to work.out if the extra money it costs in childcare and the time added to his day is worth it.

is there any opportunities involved with this promotion? does he now have the chance to work up or work towards something?

or when you stop and think about it, does it mean he has too much work to do in the time given, will he end up staying longer and working for nothing?

0dfod · 05/01/2016 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

0dfod · 05/01/2016 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 18:49

Circumstances, like childcare, may mean with this promotion there isn't much difference to household income.

No, simple maths shows that this "promotion" is actually an insult.

Is this why women are so crap at negotiating pay rises?

"Oh yes, thank you so much for this wonderful opportunity to do more hours for fuck all money."

Employment is always a long game, which is why you don't accept crap promotions that make you look like a mug.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 18:52

previous finishing time was 4.30 but he was often not leaving till 5, it'll now be officially 5.30 but often not leaving till 6.

More likely now it will be 5.30 not leaving until 8.

Since now the boss knows how easy he is to exploit.

Who accepts any job offer with thinking it over and coming back with a counter offer? Seriously?

NerrSnerr · 05/01/2016 18:58

Is there any way of saving on the childcare? You mention him collecting you and your son, would it work out cheaper in the long run if you got a small car? I can imagine he didn't think too much about the financial impact as he was excited to get the promotion.

scarlets · 05/01/2016 19:00

I think he's been hasty. I reckon he should talk to his boss tomorrow about the fact that the numbers don't work out, following detailed discussion with you. Could he accept the extra responsibility/stress - and money of course - without increasing his day?

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/01/2016 19:02

YANBU to think it ought to be a mutual decision if You have a child and it effects the way the child is cared for. But he was probably really flattered and excited. It's not as though, despite saying yes, he couldn't go back in tomorrow and say he was mistaken and can't take the role if it turns out the consequences of accepting are too onerous.

Unless it makes your life really difficult or hampers your own prospects it would be unreasonable not to support him on this though. And looking at promotion only in terms of the immediate hourly return (as some posters here seem to be doing) is short sighted. You need to look at what it means for the future. You should be clear though, if it means you taking on more home work to enable him to do this, that you expect him to recognize that, not take it for granted, and that you expect the same support in return when you need it.

Asskicker · 05/01/2016 19:04

Bathtime any need to be so snotty?

You have an opinion, I have mine.

I am a high earner thanks and never had an issue negotiating pay.

However some promotions are not about money. Especially when the reason that it may not leave you with extra money is due to your own circumstances. Ie childcare.

I agree this doesn't sound great. However I maintain that some promotions are about experience not always money

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 19:12

And looking at promotion only in terms of the immediate hourly return (as some posters here seem to be doing) is short sighted.

Looking at a promotion in terms of whether it is actually a promotion, and not a wheeze to get you to do more work for basically no extra money, is crucial to maintaining your value in the employment market.

Which is measured in the money you are paid for your work.

The idea of immediately agreeing to do a longer day EVERY day for the princely sum of just over a grand a year (pre tax? Shock ) is so ridiculous. It just makes you look like a desperate fool with no options.

Even if it wasn't going to impact on you he should have said he'd think about it, then thought about it, then come back and said it wouldn't be worth his while for less than X (although the initial offer was so shite you'd probably need to add in some other perks too.)

Are people really so pathetically grateful to be offered what amounts to a gold star from their employer?

How embarrassing.

Original poster
Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 19:17

Bathtime, it's £200 per month take home, so more than £1000 per year.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 19:22

Well thank god it's take home. But it's still a bit shit.

SilverOldie2 · 05/01/2016 19:24

BathtimeFunkster
Promotions are always about money. Just like jobs are about money.

I think your attitude is really sad. During my working life I always chose jobs that I enjoyed and which fulfilled me in some way - money was never the motivator in any of them.

OP, I hope your DP's promotion goes on to bigger and better things.

LyndaNotLinda · 05/01/2016 19:30

We have no idea whether it is a career-enhancing move for the OP's DP. We only know that it impacts on her and their DS and their current transport/childcare arrangements so he should have discussed it with her first.

In any event, if someone offers you an opportunity, it's always wise to say you need time to think about it, no matter how good it may seem

Original poster
Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 19:31

Thank you all for sharing your opinions. So can I take it that while he might be BU accepting this due to the terms etc, he is definitely BU, regardless of terms (well save for rare or virtually non-existent 'snap your hand off' type job offers!) to have accepted it without discussing it with me first?

OP posts:
WickedWax · 05/01/2016 19:31

He should absolutely have discussed it with you first.

Iggi999 · 05/01/2016 19:33

Money may not be the main motivator, but if it's not a motivator at all you must have a rich dp at home (or a trust fund)

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 19:34

I think your attitude is really sad.

Grin

During my working life I always chose jobs that I enjoyed and which fulfilled me in some way - money was never the motivator in any of them.

Me too.

But I still know how to get paid what I'm worth.

I can do fulfilling and enjoyable things for free in my own time.

JohnLuther · 05/01/2016 19:34

I'm struggling to remember an occasion where DW discussed a job offer with me.

TooSassy · 05/01/2016 19:38

Given it impacts childcare yes the right thing would have been to discuss it with you.

I discussed all my promotions with my STBXH.
More to talk it out loud and weigh up options (negotiate).

OP the likelihood is that your OH was so over the moon to be offered the promotion (and come on a promotion conversation is ALWAYS amazing), he was just overwhelmed and took it.

First and foremost, congratulate him. DO NOT piss on his parade.

Fredmitten · 05/01/2016 19:39

I'm in the should have discussed it with you but if it stands him in good stead for future promotions in a job he wants to progress in, then the money isn't the bee all and end all.

Careers are in most cases a long game and sometimes you have to make what looks like an odd move to get what you are aiming for.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 19:40

She must not value your opinion much.

I talk job offers through with several trusted people, but DH's perspective is essential.

JohnLuther · 05/01/2016 19:43

Yes that's it Bathtime Hmm

Maybe I trust her to make the right decision? She's had several jobs and we have spoke about them prior to interviews etc but I've never said 'if you get a job offer you must run it by me'.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 19:43

Careers are in most cases a long game and sometimes you have to make what looks like an odd move to get what you are aiming for.

Agreed. But an "odd move" is not a promotion.

A promotion is a move up within an organisation where you accept more responsibility for increased wages.

Making "odd moves" should definitely be discussed with other people who will be impacted.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 19:45

we have spoke about them prior to interviews

Ah right, so you did discuss them then?

Kind of the opposite of your pretend right on position.

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