Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be a little bit miffed he didn't discuss this with me first?

68 replies

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 17:46

Hi all,

I'm prepared to admit I'm BU here if the general consensus is that I am...

My partner of 3 years sent me a text at work to say his boss has asked him to take on a new role at work which means a pay rise of approx £200 per month but also with it longer hours. He already has a longish commute which can take him 2 hours in bad traffic so this will impact on time together as a family as well as costing approx £80 per month extra on childcare and transport as he will no longer be able to collect me/ds as he does currently.
He's really pleased and sees it as a vote of confidence from his boss that they offered him this, is pleased with the money which of course I am too. The slight problem I have is that he just accepted there and then without any discussion with me as to how it will impact us etc. When he sent the text I thought he meant we'd discuss it tonight because he worded it as 'my boss has asked me...' I asked just now has he accepted it and he said 'of course'.

So sick it to me...AIBU? Should he have discussed this and the implications etc with me first before accepting (we still now haven't had chance to talk about anything regarding it or the fact that it will cost us more in childcare etc as he is out with his son) or am I being a misery?

OP posts:

wafflerinchief · 05/01/2016 19:47

I agree with fred and asskicker, and if it is take home pay, then you are still £120/month better off, although there is a cost to you for the extra pick ups - does this set him up for another move up? I think you need a chat with him - if this means you do more pick ups, that presumably impacts your career - is that ok for you and your goals?

JohnLuther · 05/01/2016 19:47

I should have elaborated in my first post but the point I was trying to make was I've never said 'if you get a job offer you must run it by me'.

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 19:53

Waffler, it doesn't impact my career really, more just our time together and I'd have liked to have discussed whether the £120ish per month was worth the time we'll lose.

John, I've never said that either because I didn't think I needed to. I just kind of took it for granted that big decisions like this which impact the whole household would be discussed together. I justthini that's how a partnership should work.

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 19:54

I've never said 'if you get a job offer you must run it by me'.

Me neither. Nor had it said to me.

I still wouldn't make a unilateral decision that my husband was going to pick my kids up from childcare every day.

He's a person who gets his own say on things like that.

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 19:54

HOWEVER, a huge thank you to whomever it was who advised not to piss on his parade. He's on his way home now and while I'm still feeling a little put out, I'll congratulate him first and discuss it later.

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 19:56

Yes, let him parade right through your life. He deserves it.

JohnLuther · 05/01/2016 19:57

Oh yeah I definitely agree because childcare is involved he should have spoken to the OP

LosingTheWillToSkate · 05/01/2016 19:57

I've never needed my husband's permission to accept a promotion or take a different job because I'm quite capable of weighing it up for myself. His only reaction has ever been to be happy for me and proud of me.

Bathtime - if you're going to be so fucking rude then perhaps get your figures to stack up first? OP clearly said £200 better off a month. Even someone with only basic maths skills can deduce that equates to more than £1k a year. And the nonsense of 2.5 extra unpaid hours - honestly, some of us can manage our time effectively enough to not need to stay late. Don't be so patronising as to insist OP's husband is a fool.

KP86 · 05/01/2016 19:58

Not sure if others have said it (no time to read through the whole thread) but 20 hours/month for £200 extra is only £10/hour. Does he get more than that now? As someone else said, it almost is a pay cut when you take that into account.

In my opinion, he should have discussed it with you, but at the end of the day it is his decision and I would support my DH in whatever he wanted to do.

wafflerinchief · 05/01/2016 19:59

I can understand why you're miffed, fwiw my dh wouldn't discuss with me beforehand but that's because he is the main earner - I do think you need to get from him what this leads to, and whether there is any room for a bit more cash now or soon. I think he got carried away too, as I would do under the circumstances because appreciation at work does feel good, and it's hard to talk about money.

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/01/2016 20:00

Oooh bit harsh, bathtime! He won't be 'parading through our life'. I just wanted to check I wasn't being a little mean before I lay into him. He will be made to question his decision but I plan to try do it whilst taking his feelings into account-he is clearly happy to have been asked so I'll lay into him gently!

OP posts:

Headofthehive55 · 05/01/2016 20:00

Absolutely it must be discussed before acceptance unless it has no impact.

I've had my DH come home with offers of promotions which involve moving house. I have done the same. We always discuss the implications and whether we are up for it.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2016 20:01

No, she said "a pay rise of £200 a month".

I think he does sound like a fool. An inconsiderate fool at that.

SoWhite · 05/01/2016 20:02

Did he just make the right noises in the office, or did he sign a contract?

Big difference imo.

Situation A - He can go back into work and explain that having evaluated the changes, they wouldn't suit family life, many apologies, but cannot formally accept.

Situation B is difference and would receive a more than miffed reaction from me.

Gileswithachainsaw · 05/01/2016 20:02

And the nonsense of 2.5 extra unpaid hours - honestly, some of us can manage our time effectively enough to not need to stay late. Don't be so patronising as to insist OP's husband is a fool

in fairness it does depend on the job. I only work in retail but plenty of times.peope have had to stay late due to people not showing up or rotas being drawn up in such a way that if people left when their shift ended there would actually be no one. there.

managing your time is one thing. bit if your job is reliant on other people keeping their end if the bargain then it makes no difference how good a person is if something can't be done til someone else does what they need to do.

minnymoobear · 05/01/2016 20:09

I got a pay rise with a new job title just before xmas and didn't ask DH. He knew the job role was changing -I asked for more money I got it! Wish I'd asked for a bit more instead of accepting what they offered.
It easier to say yes thank to ask to go away and think about it, which maybe what your Dh did

I'd like to go part time soon so waiting for first quarter review which may lead to another slight increase and will then ask to go part time.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/01/2016 20:58

"Who accepts any job offer with thinking it over and coming back with a counter offer?"

I would have thought that most people do. Very senior jobs might be different. Just like most people sign their employment contract without negotiating the terms and conditions.

Mandalorian · 05/01/2016 23:28

I get where you're coming from. Dh took a job that was a 2 hour commute away after he'd been made redundant. Life was bloody miserable. We've always been a close family, dinner on the table at six with the kids went to kids fed and ready for bed and him walking through the door at eight o'clock. It did affect family life and above all else we missed him. Weekends he was knackered so any real quality time wasn't the same either.
I get that 'that's how life is' for some but I guess we'd been lucky prior to that. Fortunately after two years he for a much better job half an hour away with a pay rise to boot and normality has resumed here.

I will echo what was said up thread though, sometimes leaving a bit later gets you home earlier and dh certainly learned when the motorway was at its best.

Does he know how you feel about your time together?

Flip

1 2 3