Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To arrange drinks with colleagues?

70 replies

PinkSquash · 27/12/2015 19:42

Here's some back story- DH and I together for 11 ish years. In that time I've only been out in the evening 5/6 times - includong my hen night- without him. He doesn't go out to socialise and states he doesn't want to, but he gets so jealous when we I've said that colleagues have asked me to the pub after work. I was discussing it with colleagues tonight and DH said 'Well, I can't do the pub after work because of how my shifts fall'.

I'm bewildered- he's more than welcome to go out when and if he wanted, but he hasn't and I'm so desperate to make some friends as my colleagues are lovely people.

So AIBU to go to the pub one evening after work for one drink?

OP posts:
Trills · 27/12/2015 19:54

That does not sound like a very balanced relationship you've got there.

Are you happy with this?

Trills · 27/12/2015 19:56

Do you have children? You haven't mentioned childcare.

Assuming you have no children - why does it matter to him what you are doing on an evening when he is working? Does he expect you to only ever be on your own or with him?

Bluecheese22 · 27/12/2015 19:57

5/6 times in 11 years is terrible!! Close friendships and socialising are so important. Just because he doesn't enjoy going out doesn't mean you shouldn't!! Get drinks organised and have a lovely time. If he doesn't like it -tough.

ghostyslovesheep · 27/12/2015 19:58

well of course YANBU - but I'd be looking at the relationship and asking why I was with such a man - jealousy is massively unattractive

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/12/2015 20:00

He's being controlling. This isn't ok. Pathological jealousy is a form of emotional abuse and you should not accept it.

DoreenLethal · 27/12/2015 20:07

Of course it is not unreasonable to go to the pub with your friends when you want to. You seem to have married a man that is controlling you and your actions.

Original poster
PinkSquash · 27/12/2015 20:26

Thanks for the responses- we do have 2 children, which I thought I'd mentioned bit hadn't Blush apologies.

I'm not happy with this, no. I'm 30 and he's 41 and feels that his mad socialising days are over, whereas I haven't had any really during my 20s and now I'm back in work (SAHM for 8 yr), I want to live a little more. I don't want to go out daily or even weekly, just once every couple of months would do me so much good.
I've always struggled with friendships even as a child, so I want to just try and make friends. I miss other people!

OP posts:
Trills · 28/12/2015 13:19

Going out for a few drinks after work is not "mad socialising".

ImperialBlether · 28/12/2015 13:23

I would imagine he's never had a mad, socialising day.

What's he like the rest of the time? Is he happiest when you are where he can see you?

12purpleapples · 28/12/2015 13:23

That sounds awful. He sounds very controlling.

TheSecondViola · 28/12/2015 13:24

Then go. What does it matter what he thinks about it?

SheSparkles · 28/12/2015 13:27

Mad socialising days over at 41? I must have missed that memo! I'm 45 and my mad socialising probably only re-started at 41 (various extended family reasons made it hard throughout my 30s)I think someone's finding it hard to adjust to his wife's likely new found confidence since she went back out to work....

Savagebeauty · 28/12/2015 13:29

A miserable controlling fucker

kslatts · 28/12/2015 13:32

YANBU, I think it is really important to have friends and socialise with them. He sounds very controlling.

turningvioletviolet · 28/12/2015 13:43

When I want to go out I just tell dh 'I'm out on such and such a night'. There's no discussion. I mean obviously I make sure he's in to look after the youngest dc. But then my dh isn't insecure and controlling and is quite happy for me to have a social life.

mintoil · 28/12/2015 14:06

OMG this sounds awful.

He is controlling you - does he do it in other ways?

If you do say you are going out does he sulk? Create an urgent diversion? Mystery illness?

Original poster
PinkSquash · 28/12/2015 17:03

I don't mean that it's too old for all the social stuff, I meant that he'd done a lot of socialising/drinking when he was teens/20s and he's feels that he can't be bothered any more.

He's a very clingy person in general, he misses me all the time apparently, it's quite overwhelming and claustrophobic a lot of the time but I'm used to it.

I rarely go out without him and or the DC anyway so it's never really come up before.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2015 17:25

it's quite overwhelming and claustrophobic a lot of the time but I'm used to it. Time to get unused to it.

He was 30 and you were 19 when you met? And you got pregnant reasonably soon? I know I'll get kicked around on here so saying this but I see that often men who like to control women pick younger women to date because they are easier to control. And he will be getting upset that his control is slipping now.

Also, you say that you find friends and stuff challenging. Doubly easy to control you. Watch out for his behaviour. I'm a little worried about you.

WilburIsSomePig · 28/12/2015 17:30

I would not be able to deal with this at all. I like to go out, DH not so keen. So I go out more than he does; he doesn't mind and I get to have a social life. Works for us. It doesn't sound like your situation is working for you.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 28/12/2015 17:35

Clingy sounds like code for controlling.

Just go out. Let him sulk if he wants to.

Original poster
PinkSquash · 28/12/2015 21:20

MrsTP- I was a vulnerable young woman- homeless too. I do see where you come from and it's been said before.

It really isn't working at all for me right now, so I think I just need to face facts and do what I want to do when I can.

I suppose my new years resolution is to gather confidence and go out. I'm sick of being alone.

OP posts:
MotherofFlagons · 28/12/2015 21:44

As others have said, I tell DH if I am out on specific nights. I don't ask his permission, nor would I expect to. He also doesn't have to ask mine if he goes out.

If either of us go out unexpectedly, we'll text the other to let them know.

I'm afraid if DH suddenly tried to stop me doing my own thing, we'd be having words.

Maryz · 28/12/2015 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CakeNinja · 28/12/2015 21:52

I was going to say what MrsTP said exactly.
Watch yourself and be aware.

Opi · 28/12/2015 22:13

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

I recommend this to you Opi. It might help, it might be hard though. Good luck xx