To arrange drinks with colleagues?

[PinkSquash]

Here's some back story- DH and I together for 11 ish years. In that time I've only been out in the evening 5/6 times - includong my hen night- without him. He doesn't go out to socialise and states he doesn't want to, but he gets so jealous when we I've said that colleagues have asked me to the pub after work. I was discussing it with colleagues tonight and DH said 'Well, I can't do the pub after work because of how my shifts fall'.

I'm bewildered- he's more than welcome to go out when and if he wanted, but he hasn't and I'm so desperate to make some friends as my colleagues are lovely people.

So AIBU to go to the pub one evening after work for one drink?

*Op not me! X

Are you allowed hobbies? Even if you are not socialising are you able to go for an exercise class etc? My dh doesn't socialise much but he's fine for me to. I'd try not to go out several evenings in a row as it would be a bit unfair to leave home with the kids all the time but I go out a few times a month ( over ten years together). Your situ is not right.

I think you know what you need to do. Just be aware that if controlling you one way doesn't work, he might try to control you another. Guilt about the kids etc.

If he's open to going to counselling for himself to work these issues out, that's one thing. If he just wants to control you and escalates, you might have to make some hard choices.

do yourself a favour for the new year.
ditch the prick and get your life back.
but you know this already.

Just wanted an update and some more advice please? I told him this morning after he asked why I was off with him, he flounced off proclaiming that I am the same.

He isn't willing to understand my point of view- especially since I'm allowed to socialise with the neighbours when I want, but not as much with colleagues- that's a red flag, right?

I meant socialise with neighbours but not with colleagues

Look you know this isn't right because you feel stifled, unhappy, lonely and I bet you are totally on edge most of the time?

You know you can actually go out with these colleagues, but all his sulking, 'sad face', picking little rows, means it's just not worth it doesn't it?

Does he also put up obstacles when you dare to go through with a plan to socialise without him - he's ill, the kids are ill, he needs the car or suddenly has a shift the time you want to go out?

Sorry OP, that's not entirely clear. You told him what this morning? and he proclaimed you are "the same" what does that mean?

This man sounds seriously controlling to me. I agree with Mrs TP, I am a little worried about you. From what you have said you were a easy target for him, but now that you have grown into a more confident young woman, he can't handle it. He wants you to get back in your box.

Sorry Min, I told him that he always stops me from socialising in some way and he accused me of doing the same- stopping him from going out. I don't at all. I want him to go out, I've always told him to go out.

I cant believe you have only been out without him 5/6 times in 11 years. Everyone needs their own social life. He would drive me mad.
YANBU. Start making a social life for yourself. I hate all this jealously if a partner wants to go out. He sounds very insecure and thats not your problem.

And that is gaslighting. He deflects it on to you so that when it comes up again you are just a little bit doubting yourself. Do not doubt yourself. It is just more control.

I doubted myself for a second, but I remembered that he's never bought it up with me unless I have said it first- this isn't the first conversation we've had along these lines.

I feel utter crap and completely hemmed in this morning.

Oh Pink, I really feel for you. Please try to turn your thinking around and see that the new year can be a new start for you.

Maybe being with this man was a good thing for you when you were vulnerable, although I am probably being overly generous. But things change. This relationship is now stifling you and I don't think he is ever going to let you grow or develop. It's too threatening to him.

But what do I do, leave? Plow on through and do what I want as long as it suits me and DC?

Yes, leave! You're young, you have many years of life ahead, why would you choose to live a sad half life with a controlling abuser?

You could tell him that his behaviour is controlling, give him the new guidance issued today on coercive behaviour in relationships and how it is a form of abuse, and call him on it. Because that is what he is doing, and gaslighting you by telling you that you do it as well, is another.

www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-welcomes-coercive-control-law/

You are only 30 love, you have a lifetime of potential happiness ahead of you. Get a deposit together, and get a place of your own whilst you are still young enough to enjoy life.

Off YANB. DH doesn't like going out in the evenings. He's an introvert. I'm also quiet but not as much as him. I won't go to the work Christmas party but I'm ok with drinks with a smaller group of colleagues. So I go to those, and other mummy friends. DH stays at home looking after the DDs theses nights.

I would wonder why he felt uncomfortable for you to go?

It's very controlling. It's not a normal behaviour for an introvert even. They would let you go out with your friends but wouldn't want to go to the pub, iyswim.

Whoa - it's not an introvert thing - it is a controlling bastard thing.

If you don't want to leave yet, is it because of

1. You really love him and just think he's set in his ways and will change
2. You're worried about how he will behave if you try to leave
3. Financial or practical reasons

Why don't you try just setting a date to go out with your colleagues and telling him that's what you're doing? What do you think would happen? If he says you stop him, say "great, you set a date to go out too, that's fab".

Be careful. People do escalate and you need to know that this control is not normal or healthy.

Why would I choose this? Because I know no different and don't have any choice. My work is sporadic at the moment- I had to turn down a fabulous job I was headhunted for because I couldn't work the shifts required. I need a stable income coming in to begin to think about anything.

I know he's "worried" that I'd cheat on him if I went out, that old chestnut doesn't fool me.

He wouldn't bother to do anything to go out, he doesn't want to.

Mrs TO, definitely 3, but I've never lived alone before so that prospect is terrifying. Im going to organise something with my colleagues for the new year, old else I'll just go and sit in the pub for the evening with a book and talk to whoever is about

Things that are new are terrifying. They get less scary. When I left my first husband, I was weird about being alone, weird about going out, felt very vulnerable. It faded. When I met my now DH I was an independent woman, living alone, earning my own money. I chose to be with DH.

Eye on the prize. Work towards a better job, an expanded social life, hobbies and savings. Bear in mind he may try to sabotage if he thinks you are trying to plan to leave.

I shall have to planand sort things for the next 12 months, it just feels so deceptive.

After this morning hes acting normally, I just don't know how he does it.

He's controlling; you have to be deceptive. Sorry