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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To arrange drinks with colleagues?

70 replies

PinkSquash · 27/12/2015 19:42

Here's some back story- DH and I together for 11 ish years. In that time I've only been out in the evening 5/6 times - includong my hen night- without him. He doesn't go out to socialise and states he doesn't want to, but he gets so jealous when we I've said that colleagues have asked me to the pub after work. I was discussing it with colleagues tonight and DH said 'Well, I can't do the pub after work because of how my shifts fall'.

I'm bewildered- he's more than welcome to go out when and if he wanted, but he hasn't and I'm so desperate to make some friends as my colleagues are lovely people.

So AIBU to go to the pub one evening after work for one drink?

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Original poster
PinkSquash · 29/12/2015 22:58

I know and understand why. TBF after a lot of thought (and a bottle of bubbly) I should never have got with him long term. Sad

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Original poster
PinkSquash · 29/12/2015 23:00

It was just too easy, I was safe, I had a roof over my head. I thought someone cared for me.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2015 23:26

You poor love. We all make compromises and decisions that are easy to see weren't great in hindsight.

Just plan for something different. Would it help to call Women's Aid or look for a counselor to work these issues out?

Original poster
PinkSquash · 29/12/2015 23:53

I'll have a look for a counsellor, the company I work for has some I could use FOC so I'll look into that, thank you.

I've been stupid and found the Fb profile of an ex, I always held a flame for him. I know that grass isn't greener that way.

I'm scared, I want to cry but he's in the same room and I can't explain why. I feel so utterly awful.

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Moonriver1 · 29/12/2015 23:58

Hang in there. Don't FB old flame. Don't drink any more. Go to bed. Wake up tomorrow with resolve that you are going to get your way out of this. You are young and you have your life ahead of you. I am telling you now you will be happier, way happier, than you are now, in just a few short months if you leave this man. You can do it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2015 00:02

Moonriver is wise. Just go to bed. I hope you feel better in the morning.

FusionChefGeoff · 30/12/2015 00:14

Oh my - what a sad thread you poor thing.

Definitely not normal. Definitely a controlling abuser who doesn't seem to care much about your happiness. Definitely time to do something about it. Not necessarily LTB immediately but certainly start setting up your own independent social life and building a network of people who do care about you.

But first, yes, sleep and take stock in the morning. I hope that 2016 is a big and exciting year for you.

YouthHostellingWithChrisEubank · 30/12/2015 00:25

Gosh you poor thing. This isn't normal and of course you know that. You sound smart and switched on, I hope you can find the strength to break free from this awful controlling relationship.

variousthings · 30/12/2015 01:15

I have a friend whose dh doesn't have any friends so he doesn't think she should either

He's a controlling, jealous loser who constantly ruins and inhibits her plans

Get rid op. Good luck Thanks

Original poster
PinkSquash · 30/12/2015 12:11

Apologies for last night. I was a bit inebriated Blush I just wanted to thank you all for the advice and support.

I'm looking at maybe joining a ladies netball club in the new year, hopefully it will start a bit of a social life as well as getting fit. In 16 months I've ballooned from a size 12/14 to a size 20 and I hate it, so it should do me good all round.

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Original poster
PinkSquash · 30/12/2015 12:13

Sorry for the total waffle, I do ramble on.

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variousthings · 30/12/2015 12:13

But the best way to lose weight would be to get rid of your dp

The problem won't be solved by netball, although that would be good to do too

Original poster
PinkSquash · 30/12/2015 12:42

I'd lose 16 stone, but I'd still be left with absolutely no support at all, I can't just up and leave now, unless I leave the DC and that would break me. I have absolutely no self esteem and never have done. I have to try and sort myself out or I'll end up stuffed. Im not making much sense today, my head is clouded.

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DoreenLethal · 30/12/2015 12:59

I had to turn down a fabulous job I was headhunted for because I couldn't work the shifts required.

Can you explain a little about this - why could you not work the shifts required?

WhoseBadgerIsThis · 30/12/2015 13:34

Hiya. Just chipping in to add that while you may have no self esteem, you sound like one heck of a strong woman to me! You've clearly had a difficult start (homelessness) and yet here you are now, at just 30, bringing up two kids, realising that your husband is controlling, being willing to stand up to that, being willing to go to the pub on your own and chat to whoever is there, looking to start a new hobby and make new friends! Take it from me, you have a lot about yourself to be very proud of!

Cloppysow · 30/12/2015 13:47

You do sound strong and you sound like you're ready to try and make some small changes. Do that. Join the team, arrange drinks with colleagues. Small steps will help your confidence. Either your husband will change with you or he won't. Small steps first then look at the bigger things.

Original poster
PinkSquash · 30/12/2015 16:43

Doreen- the shifts were from 6am up to midnight depending on the day, I couldn't get childcare for the hours I'd need to work if it clashed with my husbands work. He's a shift worker too so sometimes I would need childcare from 4.30/5 am when he's on a night shift and I'm on earlies and that is impossible to find here.

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Original poster
PinkSquash · 30/12/2015 16:45

I wish I felt as strong and confident as I come across! Smile I'll have to fake it til I make it a little. Again, I really appreciate the support on here, I've got nothing IRL

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WhoseBadgerIsThis · 30/12/2015 18:10

Faking it til you make it is definitely the thing to do - it's basically building up the habit of believing in and valuing yourself. Keep telling yourself about all the great things you are doing too - positive internal dialogue is really useful too!

Original poster
PinkSquash · 30/12/2015 18:53

I'll have to try and change my mindset completely, I remember being about 8 when I told my mum I felt worthless. I've had a lifetime of no confidence so I have a lot of work to do.

This thread has gone a long way from what I first posted about and I am thankful

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