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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed with my friends?

58 replies

trebleclef101 · 18/12/2015 19:58

Quick bit of background - my DH and I moved from the UK to Spain about 4 years ago. We still have very good friends in the UK who have visited us since we moved, and we go back regularly to both them and family.

Since having our DD 4 months ago however, none of our friends have visited so no one UK based apart from our parents has met her yet.

AIBU to be disappointed and slightly annoyed that no one has made the effort to come and see us?

I understand that time / money can be an issue, but if one of my friends in the UK had a baby I would make the effort to visit asap. We are only a 2.5 hour flight away and you can get really cheap flights.

OP posts:

WhatKatyDidnt · 18/12/2015 20:00

Have you invited them? They may be giving you time to settle in to life with your baby and waiting til you give the ok.

doceodocere · 18/12/2015 20:02

They're probably being sensitive to you as new parents ; a lot of people want to be left alone for a while after having a baby. If you want them to come, you should invite them.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 18/12/2015 20:04

A friends baby although lovely isn't usually that interesting especially at the newborn stage.

squoosh · 18/12/2015 20:06

4 months isn't any time at all. I'd send a lovely gift and look forward to meeting them, but I probably wouldn't make an international trip just to meet a friend's new child.

Missanneshirley · 18/12/2015 20:06

Cheap is relative though isn't it ? I couldn't afford a flight to Spain right now and even if I could, who would watch my kids? !

PinotAndPlaydough · 18/12/2015 20:06

I can understand why you are upset but honestly if I was your friend I wouldn't be able to visit, we just couldn't afford it, even if we were able to stay with you rather than a hotel I would feel like I was imposing on someone with a very new baby (I didn't want house guest until mine were quite old!). Have you actually asked them? If you have they must have given you a reason why they haven't come?
Maybe you could suggest Skype or FaceTime.

squoosh · 18/12/2015 20:07

Plus I would assume the last thing new parents would want would be guests landing on their doorstep.

DoreenLethal · 18/12/2015 20:09

Have you invited them then?

HPsauciness · 18/12/2015 20:09

Honestly, who says babies 'aren't interesting' to a person who has just had a baby. Most people like their friends, like their friends' babies but even if they didn't, would want to support their friend just because, well, that's what friends do. I don't get all the baby hate on MN sometimes.

OP, it's only been four months and most of your friends will be busy at work and with Christmas. I'm sure if you send some Christmas messages saying that you'd love to have visitors, that flights are cheap and you are happy to put people up, and for them to get in touch in the New Year to arrange something more definite, you will have people biting your hand off. Remember it may be hard for them to arrange holidays as well, so you may need to think longer-term, so them coming in the next year rather than immediately. I went to see a good friend abroad when her son was about 9 months old and we had a great time!

ThatsNotMyHouseItIsTooClean · 18/12/2015 20:10

Do your friends normally stay at your house? If so, I'd stay well away as I would think having guests for a weekend would be too much even if you did invite me.
Are you the durst of your gang to have had a baby? If so, they may not realise it's a big deal and you want them to meet your baby. They may well be thinking a baby does nothing and is really dull & they'll make more effort to visit when the baby is older & more interesting.
Is it the wrong time of year? I tend to visit friends in Southern Europe in spring/summer as the weather is better and it suits my work better. I probably wouldn't have come to see you in Oct or Nov and Dec is just too busy.
Have you turned into someone who can only talk about their baby? I was pretty bad but a colleague on mat leave is insufferable to the extent that I haven't been able to face going to visit her & her DD.

Pteranodon · 18/12/2015 20:11

I wouldn't fly for this. It's not really the money, though partly - even cheap flights have extras and I'd want to stay in a hotel as your baby's so young, so as not to impose. But flying's so disastrous for the environment, I'd not fly for a short, non-essential trip. That said, if a friend told me they were struggling and needed company I probably would, or go by train.

It's a big shock, having a first baby. And emotionally draining too. It must be hard being far from friends and family.

gamerchick · 18/12/2015 20:11

I would assume you were settling in to parenthood and didn't want visitors. It wouldn't occur to me that a visit was wanted.

Maybe a general would love to see you message?

IrenetheQuaint · 18/12/2015 20:17

Gosh, I would never fly abroad to see a friend who had just had their first baby - partly I would presume they wouldn't want guests, and also because what would there be to do there, at this time of year. And I must admit I find babies/baby chat quite dull after the first 30 minutes.

Maybe try to lure them out in spring/summer when they can have a proper holiday and visit you at the same time?

witsender · 18/12/2015 20:18

It is quite a big ask tbh, people are busy, have pressures financially, ltd holiday days available etc. It is one of those things that happens when you move a long way away.

Robertaquimby · 18/12/2015 20:19

I don't mean to sound harsh but I think the reality is that if you are the ones that have moved away it it will be down to you to make more of the effort to stay in touch. I lived quite a long way from close friends when I had dc(1). Spent hours on the phone to them and they sent lovely presents but they didn't all come to see us. They were working, with their own families and committments and even with cheap flights the costs add up.
They obviously value your friendship because they have been to Spain to see you but realistically they are not necessarily going to be able to do this very often.
Do you have close friends in Spain?

lostinmiddlemarch · 18/12/2015 20:26

Yes, you are. If you move away from the area, you cannot expect others to go to all the hassle and expense of staying connected. You chose to move so it was your sacrifice to make - though there was absolutely nothing to stop you getting on a plane at any stage, I have flown with a newborn less than 24 hours old.

Alicewasinwonderland · 18/12/2015 20:26

Unless you specifically invited me, it wouldn't even have crossed my mind that you wanted company.

Either friends stay at your place: and that sounds like a lot of work to impose on a new mum
Or they stay at a hotel: not a great time of year for that.

If you want to see them, do let them know!

CherryPits · 18/12/2015 20:29

There was a thread some time ago about living overseas and how crap family and friends are about visiting and how demanding they are when we do visit them. I can't remember what it was called.

They won't visit you, unless they fancy a trip away and you're in the right place.

We actually had one set of friends who wanted to stay in our house in Los Angeles, WHILE WE WERE IN ENGLAND. Buggers. They can piss right off.

pilates · 18/12/2015 20:31

YABU

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/12/2015 20:34

Trebleclef - have they done anyone else, to acknowledge the arrival of your baby? Sent a card or a gift, maybe, emailed or commented on photos etc?

I am afraid that expecting your friends to pay for flights, take time off, and organise their lives so they can come and see the baby, is a bit unrealistic - money is tight for a lot of people in the UK at the moment, and it is not a quick trip - it would involve several days and quite a lot of travel. If they can only afford (in terms of cost and time off) one holiday this year, they are going to choose one that is the holiday they want, when they want it - and Spain in the late autumn/early winter may well not be what they want.

For you, your baby is the centre of your world - just as she should be - but she doesn't have the same importance to your friends.

I do understand how you feel - we moved from Essex to Scotland 7 years ago, and one of my friends has never come to visit. Others have come (but one stopped when we stopped buying their tickets) - and none of them are particularly good about bothering to phone. I do feel hurt, and as if I have been forgotten - but that is life, I am afraid.

MitzyLeFrouf · 18/12/2015 20:36

I'd never take a flight to meet a friend's baby. Unless my friend was in need. I like my friends' children but I've never been dying to meet them.

MitzyLeFrouf · 18/12/2015 20:37

Whereas I itch to meet a new niece or nephew.

SoWhite · 18/12/2015 20:42

I'd never fly to meet a friends baby. A new baby trip is an hour max - what would they do for the time they had to stay, or why would you take a flight for such a short time?

roaringfire · 18/12/2015 20:46

I am of the view that you chose to move away and therefore set up that distance between yourself and your friends - you prioritised a life in Spain and the sacrifice is seeing friends at times like this. Really, who has the spare cash and annual leave to do this?

My brother didn't even bother to visit me with DD1 and my best friends only turned up once and they live 15 minutes away.

You are being unbelievably PFB.

Imknackeredzzz · 18/12/2015 20:47

Yes you are being very unreasonable I'm afraid.

Sorry but lovely to meet a friends baby/ for half an hour! Would I fly to Spain to do so?! .... Hell no!!

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