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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with my friends?

58 replies

trebleclef101 · 18/12/2015 19:58

Quick bit of background - my DH and I moved from the UK to Spain about 4 years ago. We still have very good friends in the UK who have visited us since we moved, and we go back regularly to both them and family.

Since having our DD 4 months ago however, none of our friends have visited so no one UK based apart from our parents has met her yet.

AIBU to be disappointed and slightly annoyed that no one has made the effort to come and see us?

I understand that time / money can be an issue, but if one of my friends in the UK had a baby I would make the effort to visit asap. We are only a 2.5 hour flight away and you can get really cheap flights.

OP posts:
Merguez · 18/12/2015 20:47

You are completely nuts.

BackforGood · 18/12/2015 20:48

YABU
They are probably MNers and have read all the weird posts saying that, "as new parents, we want to be left alone, to 'bond' with our baby" etc.

Seriously though, when I visit friends with a new baby, I visit for 1/2 hour or an hour - new parents are generally exhausted and I wouldn't impose going to stay with people, onto new parents - which presumably they would do if flying to another country to visit.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 18/12/2015 20:48

YABU. No one will ever find your baby as interesting as you do. As hard as it is being so far away from your friends with a new baby - which is what I think this boils down to - it isn't the natural course of actions to book a flight to meet a baby. Doesn't mean they don't care.

celtictoast · 18/12/2015 20:49

I think they must be waiting for an invitation.

lorelei9 · 18/12/2015 20:51

YABU
Firstly, have you actually invited them - and really said enthusiastically that you would like a visit - many people will leave new parents in peace if they live 10 mins way.

Secondly - you say "only 2.5 hours" - add in waiting at the airport and travelling to the airport and you're looking at more like 6 or 7 - almost a whole working day - both ways.

many people have friends a long way away, we can't manage to go and see all of them frequently unless we are very cash rich and time rich!

DinosaursRoar · 18/12/2015 20:58

Unless I was specifically asked, I wouldn't go to visit someone with a baby younger than 6 months if it involved staying with them. I may well plan a visit to their area, staying in a hotel, and seeing them for part of it, I wouldn't assume to intrude for more than half a day. Your DC was born in September I assume, so after the holiday season for Spain, it's not really the time of year to have a holiday in Spain with half a day spent with you. You might find around Easter time, (when the weather is more 'holiday', when people have time off anyway and you have an older DC that it wouldn't feel quite so bad taking some of your time) that they are more interested in visiting.

pictish · 18/12/2015 21:05

Honestly? It wouldn't occur to me to take a trip abroad to see a friend's new baby. That's not to say I wouldn't go to visit or take a planned trip there, but just not specifically to meet their baby. Photos and updates for sure, bring them on...but I'd be surprised if I was expected to fly over.

Timri · 18/12/2015 21:09

I definitely wouldn't fly. I remember thinking how lovely it was everyone came to see me, and how lovelier it was when they went home!!
It's not like they can pop in for an hour, and I wouldn't want to impose myself staying with a family with a new born, and I wouldn't be able to afford to stay elsewhere.
And relatively cheap is just that, relative.
Hope you've had some lovely gifts sent and I'm sure people will visit when they can

Timri · 18/12/2015 21:11

Merguez I don't think she sounds nuts, just a bit lonely/isolated

CPtart · 18/12/2015 21:20

I wouldn't have wasted precious annual leave to see a friend's baby.

Tiggeryoubastard · 18/12/2015 21:24

Your child just isn't that important to other people that they'd rush to another country is quickly to see them. Sorry but it's a fact. It's nice when your friends have kids, but not the be all and end all to you unless possibly it's your vvvv best friend.

MitzyLeFrouf · 18/12/2015 21:26

This is when Facebook and Skype comes into their own.

Moonriver1 · 18/12/2015 21:30

There's no need for posters to say 'people aren't interested' or 'your child isn't that important'!

It's just people have their own lives and own families and are unlikely to prioritise visiting a friend abroad to see their baby.

I'm sure they are delighted for you and can't wait to meet your baby, just not to the tune of a few days of annual leave and a few hundred pounds.

Especially nowadays with Facebook, instagram, FaceTime, Skype, camera phones to send videos and pics .

BreakfastLunchPasta · 18/12/2015 21:52

It's very possible your friends don't want to burden you with (what they may assume to be) the extra work and hassle of having friends to stay when you have a newborn to cope with.
Let them know you're very much ready for visitors, get proactive. Send them all a round robin email saying your very much ready for visitors and 1. want to show off your gorgeous baby and 2. Need the company of good friends.

scarlets · 18/12/2015 21:59

I wouldn't impose myself on friends whose first baby is very small. Also, I worry a bit about visiting friends who live abroad because I don't want them to think I'm after a free hol! If you specifically ask them, they will come.

Enjolrass · 19/12/2015 05:07

Honestly op, I mean this in the nicest possibly way. Yabu.

Firstly if I was visiting a friend with a new baby I wouldn't expect to stay with them. If I knew my friend was desperate for me to go over, I would try and save for flights and a hotel. Which would take me a while.

Tbh, I am self employed. I I don't work I don't get paid. The time I take off is based around my own kids. If they need me I take time off. I prioritise them. I can't take that amount of time off.

Any spare money I have goes towards the kids to. Their hobbies, dress down days, their grading for their hobby.then my family obligations like mums birthday or dhs birthday etc.

When I was employed my leave was often used up between kids stuff and our family annual holiday.

Your baby is your world, but it's not everyone else's. They have their own lives and priorities.

Even if you invited me to stay at yours I just could afford flights for 4 people. Especially with it coming up to Christmas. We save for Christmas from July.

Unless you desperately needed me and it was an emergency (in which case I would try and scrap together money for just my flight) it wouldn't be possible for me to visit.

I don't know the reason you moved. But your expectations need to change when you leave the country.

It's like when people get married abroad and then get miffed that people don't come.

GloGirl · 19/12/2015 05:52

Are you struggling? Are you lonely and upset? Having a baby is a big life change and seeing your friends and family really helps you feel a bit normal when the world is so different now.

Tell someone you'd like a visit, tell a few people. I would feel really intrusive visiting someone who's baby is under 6 months. It wouldnt even have occurr to me you would want me there, but if I was your friend and you needed me, I would try and get there for you Flowers

I suspect a lot of people are waiting till the New Year to make arrangement, but don't wait - ask.

PastaLaFeasta · 19/12/2015 06:22

I presume you'd be hosting so as a friend would worry about imposing, especially if I was bringing the kids and staying for more than a couple of days to make the trip worth it. I visited a friend with a four month old and it did feel a tad too much for them and I didn't take the whole family. But it depends on how things are going, constant breastfeeding and sleepless nights are tough. It's also an unnecessary expense which many wouldn't feel worth stretching themselves for. But you do need to invite people because they may think you aren't up to having visitors.

SeasonalVag · 19/12/2015 06:29

I had my children in Spain and never expected people to traipse over, in fact only my best friend and sister came. You're so unreasonable...people dont have the annual leave, and certainly not the same amount as you have on Spain. You should be bringing the baby over to them, it's what we did when they turned three months or so.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 19/12/2015 06:39

and also because what would there be to do there, at this time of year.

There are things to do in Spain in seasons other than the summer, the country doesn't just close! We lived in Spain for a couple of years and managed to amuse ourselves (and guests) all year round!

OP I can understand why you're disappointed but 4 months really isn't very long. They probably don't want to intrude and are giving you time and space to settle in at home with your baby.
When we had a baby a long way from home we arranged a trip back with the baby so everyone could meet her in one go.

Enjolrass · 19/12/2015 06:46

OP is there a reason you haven't been to the UK so everyone can meet the baby in one go?

DragonRojo · 19/12/2015 06:56

My son was born in UK. When he was 3 months, I took him to Spain for my friends to meet him. I was the one who had moved away, so it was up to me to make the effort. It would not be fair to expect all your UK friends to take annual leave, pay for transport to the airport, flights, possibly hotels, use family holiday budget, etc, to meet your baby.

puthyjip43 · 19/12/2015 07:03

Wouldn't it make sense for you to fly to UK with your new baby instead and visit everyone?

londonrach · 19/12/2015 07:28

Yabu. It took me 6 months to visit my best friends baby as she was in a different part of london to him with work, not wanting to intrude etc

Pidapie · 19/12/2015 09:01

I wouldn't have expected my friends to visit me in the UK (2 hour flight from where I'm from) when I had a 4 month old baby!

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