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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DH to bring in minimum wage??

59 replies

PeasOnEarth · 11/12/2015 16:00

DH is self employed and the business brings in enough to pay his mortgage with his ex wife (they have 3 DC in their 20s, 2 of whom live with their mum) and run his (our, I bought it) car. He has no pension.

I pay everything else - our mortgage,which is small, bills, food, clothes, holidays, Christmas etc. I have a public service pension.

My health - despite being in my late 30s - is problematic as I have mild mental health problems and worsening physical health problems that mean work is becoming precarious and I am wondering what I can do to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads.

The mortgage is small, and I am prepared to make changes - I do live for my holidays and love new places. If DH would STOP messing about saying this year will be different and apply for jobs I would be so relieved. I'd sleep better at night.
AIBU?? I can't see the wood for the trees lately.

OP posts:
starry0ne · 11/12/2015 16:04

No YANBU.. Yes he should be contributing..If you are supporting him he needs to get a job that pays

Elllicam · 11/12/2015 16:05

How come he is still paying a mortgage with his ex if the children are all grown up? Is it a big mortgage? He should earn at least minimum wage.

usual · 11/12/2015 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKoala · 11/12/2015 16:09

What is his job? Is he just not getting enough work? If he got more hours/work could he earn more? Does he have lots of time when he is not working where he could do casual work to subsidise his business? Is his business a realistic model? Can it be supported by the local economy? (ie is it something people want?) are there loads of what he does for cheaper on the market? Is it a labour of love hobby he is hoping to earn from?

KeepOnMoving1 · 11/12/2015 16:18

Yanbu, why is he still supporting his ex and grown kids when he can't do the same in his current home?

BobandKate0 · 11/12/2015 16:19

Well he could apply for jobs ,but don't expect him to get one ,the self employed are the great unloved,it takes time to build a business and the MW may actually be the culprit in stopping his biz expanding, but this is never going to be PC on mumsnet .

elliejjtiny · 11/12/2015 16:22

YANBU. My DH is self employed and he just about breaks even. He has a pension though. It really annoys me as he works relatively long hours but we don't see any money at the end of it. But at least he can be flexible when I need him to be. In his old job our 1 year old needed an operation when we also had a 5 week old and I was still recovering from C-section. Work wouldn't give him the day off, even unpaid.

Original poster
PeasOnEarth · 11/12/2015 16:23

With the settlement of the divorce, she has another 9 months or so before the house needs to be sold. IMO it would be good for the adult DC to move out and for his XW to work out what she wants, where to live etc - but what do I know. They were not great at budgeting, have an interest only mortgage, and were (both) not very good at living within their means.

Re the business it's a well known catalogue company - it feels like an expensive hobby - it simply doesn't pay minimum wage for the hours he puts in however much he says he needs to recruit more or whatever.

His productivity is very dependent on me - I've been off sick for a few weeks and he's rarely out by 10 - if I'm in the office for 8 it's a different story. I feel like he has no idea what a normal job and pressure is like

OP posts:
Original poster
PeasOnEarth · 11/12/2015 16:27

ellie you're right, the flexibility pays more than money and he is very caring and supportive. But I could cope with him working 40 regular hours and being paid!

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 11/12/2015 16:27

What ??? Why are you with him ? Is he amazing in bed or something

If it's kleeneze he's be better off being employed, it's a total swiz

VestalVirgin · 11/12/2015 16:28

Make sure that, in case of divorce, you get everything you paid for, at the very least (House, car, etc.)

Then bring it up with him. He should be more supportive, especially with your health being so bad and all.

Babyroobs · 11/12/2015 16:34

Presumably in a few months when his house can be sold , he will get a lump sum from the equity of that sale ?

Original poster
PeasOnEarth · 11/12/2015 16:34

I have my deposit protected - not completely stupid! I sometimes feel like I have one eye on an exit plan.

I read threads where people are supported even half way, financially, and I wonder if his care for me should extend to some sort of providing materially?

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 11/12/2015 16:36

I think it's very difficult and rare to make minimum wage from catalogues. I am assuming Avon, Bettaware, Book People or similar.

He would need the right contacts and repeat business or would need dozens/hundreds? of regular customers. And if it's Bettaware, mostly the products are overpriced crap (sorry) and I'm not sure who who actually buys more than the odd thing - everything is available cheaper in supermarkets, Ikea, Argos, Wilkos etc.

I think it's very much aimed at the 'make yourself a bit of extra pocket money' market, where the person running the business is supported by a higher earning partner. Or the actual money is from recruiting more agents/finders fees and then it is more like a pyramid scheme, which very few make money out of.

If he isn't making close to FT MW after a year or two max, he needs to jack it in and get an employed job, or do something else.

What jobs has he done before? Can he retrain or look for something else?

KeepOnMoving1 · 11/12/2015 16:36

It's all good and well that he's caring but that's not really enough. He seems quite happy that you are carrying most of the household finances whilst he gets to choose work to be suitable around him. A lack of drive would seriously be a put off.
He needs to step up and contribute far more than he is doing so.

Original poster
PeasOnEarth · 11/12/2015 16:37

Apparently there will be less than 20k once the debts are all paid off. I never was with him for his money - I am lucky that my work pays well to do something I am trained for and really like.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeasOnEarth · 11/12/2015 16:42

Barbara thanks for your post. Yes, one of those.
He's had lots of time but somehow it's always my fault for stopping him making it pay. I've started refusing lifts and help and time in what I consider working hours to stop it bejng my fault. I am not yet able to make an ultimatum I mean re find minimum wage work or.... if this was a reverse wrt a female partner , would the responses be different? I am just not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 11/12/2015 16:43

What if you didn't have a pension and a good salary tho? What does he think is going to happen in the future? Does he have any sort of plan? Can he use some of the 20k to retrain?

i would not be impressed with this. It seems a little infantilising to me.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 11/12/2015 16:43

How long has he been self employed OP? I think a certain amount of flexibility is reasonable while someone is getting a new business off the ground but there does come a point where you need to ask some hard questions about whether it's worth it. (we've been through this ourselves)

I'd also be more forgiving if I could see a lot of work happening. Not starting until 10 doesn't really sound very promising on that front.

Like Barbara I'm not sure catalogue type businesses really have the potential to provide an actual wage though.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/12/2015 16:44

Does he feel comfortable with you paying all the bills?

Does he do all the housework in exchange?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/12/2015 16:48

somehow it's always my fault for stopping him making it pay.
Oh dear. It is your fault his Bettaware fortune hasn't arrived? And how exactly could it be your fault?

Why did the exW divorce him? How long have you been married?

Hoppinggreen · 11/12/2015 16:48

Except for a few well publicised stores those catalogue jobs are Only ever going to earn people pocket money rather than a real wage.
It's more of a hobby than a real business and since none of it is coming into your household anyway then he might as well not be working at all.
He should look for an actual job.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 11/12/2015 16:51

He needs to fuck the catalogue stuff off immediately.

DeoGratias · 11/12/2015 16:52

How is you deposit protected? If you divorce then it doesn't matter whose name things are in the assets are split including the £20k or £10k he is getting when his house is sold. Did you sign a prenup?

WMittens · 11/12/2015 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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