to expect my DH to bring in minimum wage??

[PeasOnEarth]

DH is self employed and the business brings in enough to pay his mortgage with his ex wife (they have 3 DC in their 20s, 2 of whom live with their mum) and run his (our, I bought it) car. He has no pension.

I pay everything else - our mortgage,which is small, bills, food, clothes, holidays, Christmas etc. I have a public service pension.

My health - despite being in my late 30s - is problematic as I have mild mental health problems and worsening physical health problems that mean work is becoming precarious and I am wondering what I can do to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads.

The mortgage is small, and I am prepared to make changes - I do live for my holidays and love new places. If DH would STOP messing about saying this year will be different and apply for jobs I would be so relieved. I'd sleep better at night.
AIBU?? I can't see the wood for the trees lately.

How long have you been married?

He could walk away with some of that pension you're banking on getting.

I need to do some serious thinking. We've been married just over 2 years. I hadn't realised that about my pension - and definitely not about tenants in common. Thank you for removing the wool from my eyes.

I'm sorry not to have responded to everyone - RB68 I'm very grateful for your practical and wise suggestions and lorelei I agree about impractical optimists! But we are all capable of learning to respond from adult, it's just that inequality makes it harder. I think being ill and unable to do as much makes me seem to respond from child sometimes - I catastrophise and I become in need of endless reassurance. If I can learn not to do this maybe he can learn new ways of seeing his role and looking for solutions.

We had a horrible argument about it yesterday where he eventually stormed out, but said he wouldn't be able to get a job anyway. That made me really angry - to write it off without trying - and it might take some trying! Sorry, I'm whinging when what I need is to be making a decision and sticking to it.

Op, you need to come hope onto the MLM threads in here. He is never going to make money out of these type of schemes which rely on recruiting others; and many of them effectively brainwash people

Peas what strikes me from your post is that your DH has been "nearly" going to give up the catalogues fir a long time. He's been doing it a long time.
You support him with the catalogues/driving and dropping/getting up and out (and more, I suspect)
You have FM/CFS which has been getting worse and are thinking of cutting back on work.
Is the situation of DH doing catalogues causing underlying stress, worsening your symptoms? Have you been overdoing the working and pushing yourself too hard because he brings in so little? Is he ever really going to give up the easy life of easy catalogue money and looking after you, in favour of a "real" 9-5 job? Because it seems to me that carrying him and is wants is creating this problem for you- I say this as a fellow sufferer, not to be unfairly harsh.

I am self employed. It took me 3~4 years to build the business at a point where I earn what is a monthly minimum wage. I only work half the week though.

Now this is like this because
1- DH has a decent wage, works full time so we could (and have) lived on one wage
2- due the health problems, I can't work more than than that anyway.

As you have done health issues yourself, it sounds very reasonable for you two to sit downvand think about how you are going to handle the next few years. Who can be relied on to bring money and how much.
Having a realistic idea of how much you can earn from that sort of job would be a good idea too!
But my first reaction when you said that if you aren't going to work, then he us t out before 10.00am us that

• he isnt cut to be self employed.
• and are you sure he is doing better when you are at work or is he procrastinating all day long? I suspect the later.

Peas I have enormous guilt that our lives have been turned upside down through me being ill. Our lives prior to this were great, obviously being ill isn't a barrel of laughs but my DH is the one who has effectively "taken over" and shouldered the burdens of bringing in a wage to support us all, plus dealing with all the house stuff.

This was very hard for me to come to terms with, I suspect that, like me, you enjoy being "in control", independent and responsible and are reluctant to be "looked after" (I'm probably wording this very badly, apologies)

It's difficult enough to live with a hard situation with support. If you don't have the right support from your partner, I actually think no support is easier in a way. It seems like you have been supporting your DH in all kinds of ways - now it is "your turn" (yes I'm wording this terribly) and possibly he isn't able to step up to the plate and support you. I don't just mean financially of course.

I often worry aloud that I am a burden etc and DH says that this is the whole point of "for better for worse, sickness and health". Lives change, circumstances change and we all have to adapt to them.

As the favourite MN saying, your DH is telling you who he is...listen to him. He's quite happy for you to take care of him, but he won't entertain taking care of you. All this "can't get a job" bollocks, is well, bollocks. I know times are tough and jobs are difficult to get, areas vary but here but there are usually cleaning/ warehousing, lots of NMW jobs about - and you have to be prepared to do anything if you need the money.

When I look back at the last couple of years I think our lives have been like one of those wanky team building exercises, where you fall backwards and someone catches you. I have more love and respect for my DH than even as he "caught" me, it's the whole point of a committed relationship - you look after each other.

If your DH is telling you he isn't willing to even entertain the idea of stepping out of his comfort zone, to catch you if you fall, he is telling you that unfortunately his comfort (and easy life) is more important to him than your comfort.

In your shoes, I don't think I would have that much love and respect left for him after that. It's hard being ill, whether physically or mentally, and if people can't support you in your times of need, you're better off without those people - who take but don't give.

I'm sorry. It's very hard I know.

It sounds very defeatist that he wouldn't get a job anyway, how is that a constructive argument ? you've only been married two years how has communication and discussion got this bad ? I think he sounds immature

It's not defeatitist. IT's a way to say that he can't do anything else any way as nthere is no other choice.
It's also a way to stop the conversation re him looking for a job. ie why looking when it's never going to work??

Hi OP. If you live in the box formed by the M62-A1-M6/M5-M4, he can earn 25-30k HGV driving. The licences cost 2-3k, there is no unemployment.