to expect my DH to bring in minimum wage??

[PeasOnEarth]

DH is self employed and the business brings in enough to pay his mortgage with his ex wife (they have 3 DC in their 20s, 2 of whom live with their mum) and run his (our, I bought it) car. He has no pension.

I pay everything else - our mortgage,which is small, bills, food, clothes, holidays, Christmas etc. I have a public service pension.

My health - despite being in my late 30s - is problematic as I have mild mental health problems and worsening physical health problems that mean work is becoming precarious and I am wondering what I can do to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads.

The mortgage is small, and I am prepared to make changes - I do live for my holidays and love new places. If DH would STOP messing about saying this year will be different and apply for jobs I would be so relieved. I'd sleep better at night.
AIBU?? I can't see the wood for the trees lately.

Deo I had my solicitor draw up a tenants in common document that states eat happens with the money on the event of a split.

run rabbit he does most of the housework. I have ME/CFS that is worsening and so I have dropped my standards and he has most definitely picked up the slack. I feel guilty about this.

I have always been financially independent - it is only ill health that has me pondering how do we cope?

He seems pretty unbothered - ostrich like - we'll deal with problems if they happen.

WIBU if I were male and saying this re a female partner?

MrsKoala I hadn't actually thought of that - using the equity to retrain. I will put that to him. Is it doable at almost 50?

DH was a SAHD for a while so I am very much of the opinion that the "value" people bring to the family isn't necessarily a wage.

That being said, I became ill in my 30s and eventually had to stop working. I loved my job and DH spent a good few years gently trying to persuade to stop. My concerns weren't just financial but of course it was an issue. He kept saying "I'll go and clean toilets if we need the money, don't worry" etc. When I eventually gave in and had to "retire", he went straight out and started working (including some toilet cleaning ) and that is what is important - in a true partnership you need to be able to lean on each other when needed.

It isn't the fact your DH isn't earning a wage that would be the worry for me, it's the total lack of support he is giving you. You and your health should be his priority, not his ex wife or his mortgage or his relaxed hours.

I admire my DH and respect him - going out and getting a MW job in your 40s after a period of unemployment is no joke. He is also studying now as a long term plan, he is doing 18 hours work some days. He hasn't complained or said anything negative once.

If you fell, would your DH catch you? (In a metaphorical way of course ) what do you honestly think he would do if you became unable to work or lost your job suddenly?

Some of these comments are a bit

"Does he feel comfortable with you paying all the bills?

Does he do all the housework in exchange?"

I don't know where to start!

wmittens hmmm totally parasitic to expect a partnership attitude to finances in a relationship !

Actually it does erode your feelings for someone if they don't pull their weight which sounds like op's dh.

I don't earn as much as my dh but I do earn and do all childcare, house stuff. It sounds like the op's dh is making excuses and replying on the op to carry him. That would really grate on me over time

what purple said.

Roughly where do you live op? City/town/rural etc? What work has he done before? Does he have basic computer skills? Is he well presented? Would he consider registering with temping agencies?

on the face of it, YANBU but I don't know what arrangements you made with him or what was agreed when you got married. Did you specifically say you would be okay with him trying the business for x amount of time? Also, when you say less than min wage, I'm wondering what he's bringing in - not asking you to specify but have you done the calculations on what is to be gained if he got a min wage job, 35 hours a week? Or do you think he should work longer hours at what he does now?

I'm sorry, I don't want to alarm you but I've got a friend near 50 who is bitterly regretting having done an experiment re business - she can go back to what she was doing, we hope, but the period of "lost income" can't be compensated for. She is partly upset because's she suddenly got health problems too - she thought she'd work well past retirement and just never thought about health issues.

I mention this because your partner might regret this too, this "head in sand, worry about illness etc only if it happens". And not even bringing in minimum wage per hour...it seems to me that he would be better off trying all kinds of work rather than what he is doing. You say he's nearly 50 - better to try now than at nearly 60. I know a SAHP who had to go back to work at nearly 50, he got a job in a supermarket fairly easily. Initially it was only a few hours but once he proved himself capable, he got a proper contract for about 40 hours with some overtime offered.

He does not have his own business. He is a silly mug if he thinks catalogues will pay.

Yet his catalogue work is bringing in enough to pay the mortgage on the former home his XW now lives in? He can't be doing that badly at it.

gawd...whats going on on here today....every post ive seen is about husbands and partners who cant/wont work.....this bloke hasnt got his own business....stop making excuses for him.....i cant understand what you are doing with him....he sounded a nightmare when you said about him and his ex wifes spending habits.....did he leave his wife for you?.....was he running away from problems there and saw you as a good bet....stop being a mug...and get rid....hes taking the piss

Surely that depends on the number of hours he's doing solidgoldbrass? If the mortgage plus car is £500 a month and he's earning that from a few hours a week of work, that's great. If it's taking him 50 hours, it's not. OP says the mortgage is small and he's getting below NMW for his time, so tbh it doesn't sound like he's managing to make it particularly lucrative.

How much is the mortgage on his former home? How much does his car cost to run?
How much is he bringing in and how many hours is he doing a week?
What was he doing for work when you met and married?
What was the agreement when he decided to do the catalog work? What was the plan? How long did you (both) agree to give it to be succesful?

forgot to say OP - I really wouldn't spend the £20k on retraining - if that's money for the family pot then I would put in there.

Well, a small amount could go for training but I would say it depends a lot what he could do, realistically. I say "realistically" because I've heard of people thinking a bit too optimistically about training and where it can take them.

RudeElf I would say he works 35 hrs a week, makes maybe £170 pw which is not bad for catalogues. He doesn't even earn enough to pay tax!

He has been doing it for some years before we met and I get that he likes it. We have agreed to give it 6 months - it's just this is the latest in a series of 6 months - there are 2 months more to go. I guess I want to know if I'm being unreasonable before I push it as a dealbreaker, for me, in our relationship now. He's an eternal optimist - it forces one of us to be practical. I hate it - I feel this pushes me into parent-child whereas his caring for me does the reverse. I want to respond from adult. I also want us to go to counselling - and he's agreed, "for me", ironically just as we struggle to afford it. I need to let my resentment about this out in a healthy way.

That actually is ok for catalogues!

What is it he particularly likes about doing it? It might be possible to find other work with the same upsides, but that pays more than a fiver an hour. Is it the self employment, the ability to work from home, the flexibility?

OP - this is why I'm not great with optimists... I mean, it's one thing filling out a job application and thinking "I can do this" - it's another thing entirely to think that something will magically come along and sort out all the money.

tbh he probably does think he has something that will sort out all the money - you. If there's 2 months to go and nothing's changed he should start looking for a job now.

I agree that this makes him a child and tbh if he wants to continue being a child at 50, I am not sure what counselling will achieve - sorry.

If he likes the work then i think its a dead loss trying to persuade him to do something else. I would go down the lines of getting him to expand on what he is doing. It sounds like he has become lazy because he is making enough to cover what he has to and knows you will cover everything else. For 35 H/W you would be wanting to bring in more than £170. Has he no ambition? Or even like the idea of saving towards something? He needs to shake it up, get online and research how to maximize the skills he has and the things he likes doing. Catalogging is my idea of hell so i cant think of how to make it work better but if he loves it then thats a great starting point. Use the ultimatum though- if he isnt going to make a real go of it and attempt to make it a career with prospects then he should relegate it to "pocket money" status and look for employed work with the benefits of annual leave, a pension, NI payments etc. i would stick with your two month deadline. Get him to map out a plan for how he intends to grow his business and what that will look like in 1,5 and 10 years. He should set up a private pension. Get this decision made well before the former home is sold! Cant stress this enough! Because i guarantee you if he thinks he has £20k heading his way he will convince himself he can use it to grow the business. But if he isnt already putting the pedal to the medal for the 9 months prior then he isnt going to do it when he has £20k to cushion his arse while he lays in til 10am. Seriously, stick to that 2 month time frame, by that point expect to see all stops pulled out, a business plan and a pension plan. If not then off to the job centre he goes.

Btw christmas is his ideal chance to go hell for leather and maximise his sales. If he doesnt do this now, right now, then you have your answer.

Does sound very stressful for you. After the time is up I would say look we need X amount coming in. So he either had to have a better paid job even 35h on mim wage earns him more £70 more a week

Or he puts in the hours in his hobby/job for 35h a week but then works another job at min wage for least 10h to make up the difference. Depending on his skills he could potential be earning a lot more.

What would happen if you had reduce your hours and there wasn't simple enough to cover food and mortgage? Do you think he would step up to plate then?

Everyone is missing the obvious. He currently pays the mortgage on a property which his wife is in and there is around 20k equity. So how much is the mortgage? The agreement comes to an end in just 9 months, the property will be sold that money will be freed up to add to the pot.

My point would be to review what you are spending money on together and come up with a budget - make him aware of the costs and let him do it with you (use some of the fantastic websites around to help look at what are essentials etc and what is non negotiable and what is freable).

Look at his car - what is it and what does it cost and why? Are there cheaper options??

Does he have a business mentor? It might be worth looking around to see if there is anyone who could do this independently of yourself - look at what he is making and how, how he could extend that and push things, how he needs to treat it like a job of work rather than a hobby. I find where catalogues or MLM businesses are treated as a hobby or thing on the side it isn't possible to make money and where they do make money its not easy money. Is he doing proper accounts and making sure expenses are put through and proper tax and so on are paid, treat it like a business and it goes a long way to making it one. Work at it with regular hours, networking, shows and events as well as door to door stuff. But def try and find a coach or mentor it significantly increases productivity and directed effort which is what makes a business grow.

Rudeelf Christmas is a little better as the £ per catalogue goes up without really doing anything. I think I just resent having to drive all that stuff, you know? But I am really grateful for your time and suggestions which are all good.

Akire I just don't know if he would - at the last minute maybe. Which is why I'm pushing now.

The attitude Purple is talking about is what I'd love to hear.

MrsK he worked for a bank previously. I actually think he would make a fab carer, with all it's challenges, or support worker. Fanny he likes being outside, and being his own boss. The fact he likes it is what's made me feel I can't be pushing for a change previously. But it's a luxury, surely, and one we might not have for much longer.

My DH gave up a very well paid job to start a business, it was always his dream and although I didn't want him to do it I was supportive and managed to pick up the slack financially.
After a couple of years of struggling it became apparent that he wasn't going to make enough money - well between us we did just about get by but we couldn't do a lot of things we had planned and it was stressful at times.It was also very frustrating for me worrying about money while he "followed his dream" and I knew that he couid easily earn a lot of money if he chose to instead. I think it may have damaged our relationship as I am quite resentful about it all, especially him using all our savings etc for the business but I hope that with time I will get over it.
Anyway, at least he did eventually start to properly contribute financially despite it not being what he really wanted but part of me regrets being so supportive because if I hadn't he probably would have given up sooner.
Your DH can Fanny around doing something he wants because you enable him. He needs to find a job now and contribute properly, especially if you need to ease off a bit

"Deo I had my solicitor draw up a tenants in common document that states eat happens with the money on the event of a split."

I am afraid that doesn't work if you are married and are in England.

If you both had separate lawyers, you sign a pre nup at least 6 weeks before a wedding, the division of assets is fair then a formal pre - nup might be enforceable if it leaves children housed and people properly provided for. A tenants in common document entered into between a married couple will not protect you under divorce law.

It protects you very well indeed howeer if you are not married.

You can sort the situation out now though by both seeing separate solicitors and drawing up a post nup. They are still not 100% enforceableb ut better than nothing.