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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being unreasonable

55 replies

winterswan · 05/12/2015 08:59

I have arranged to see a friend next weekend and this is booked (flights etc) and mostly paid for. I am staying with her so no expense there but I will take flowers/wine etc.

There is some work that needs doing in our home and DP thinks that because this is expensive I should forgo my weekend away. He keeps bringing this up repeatedly and it's very awkward as I feel I have committed to seeing not only my friend but my little goddaughter and I won't see them until spring 2016 otherwise.

I'm not being unreasonable I don't think - can you give me your honest view? I'm being made to feel really selfish here for going.

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 05/12/2015 09:01

If you hadn't already paid for it then he may have a point..... As it is it just sounds like he's being sulky and controlling.

MadHattersWineParty · 05/12/2015 09:03

Er no, YANBU! anyway presumably if it's booked you'd 'lose' money of you cancelled the flights and didn't go?

I think he's being really mean.

DartmoorDoughnut · 05/12/2015 09:04

Does it need doing or would you just like it to be done? I.e boiler maintenance or new coat of paint? In any case would he think of not going to catch up with his best friends in similar circumstances? For example a stag do - which would def cost more than staying with a friend!

PennyHasNoSurname · 05/12/2015 09:04

It is prepaid, so hardly worth cancelling. Was it booked and paid for before you both realised the work needs doing?

Is the work essential?

Strictly1 · 05/12/2015 09:06

This really should have been discussed earlier so it's a bit late to be miffed now. However, if he was going on a lads weekend when things in the home needed to be paid for I can imagine that many would feel he was being unreasonable.
Too late now, so enjoy the weekend but agree that such expenses will be agreed in the future.

Scarydinosaurs · 05/12/2015 09:09

Ask him to explain how it would save money by not going? Are there any future plans of his that he is also cancelling to save money?

Russellgroupserf · 05/12/2015 09:11

It depends on the discussion beforehand, where the money came from for your trip and if joint money was it cleared and was the work known about previously.

mintoil · 05/12/2015 09:25

Is it unusual for you to have a weekend away? Does he make a fuss if you have a night out with friends without him?

It does sound more like trying to control you than about money tbh.

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 09:34

Thanks for replying.

The weekend was booked away in October, and although it involves flights these weren't very expensive (and naturally they were paid for out of my own bank account) because my friend lives in the UK, just not the mainland.

I am also paying for new flooring throughout our apartment which is pretty expensive. We discovered last week that an expensive item (sorry to be vague here) isn't working properly: we can manage without it but it's not convenient - I said that it was probably best to wait until the new year until we fix it as we have a number of expenses and I meant the new floor and tickets he booked to see his favourite band in the summer but he got all sulky about my weekend away.

OP posts:
ArmfulOfRoses · 05/12/2015 09:38

He will be selling his tickets then?

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 05/12/2015 09:38

Is he sulking as he thinks you want him to cancel his tickets, therefore he's trying to make you give something up? Has he paid for the tickets?
Tbh, I don't think a relationship works well when both partners have got to have equal share of time off/away etc. Swings and round abouts and all that x

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 09:40

There is more chance of tropical sunshine at this very moment in time than DP selling his much-desired tickets! I haven't even mentioned it - I would rather go without the thing that is broken (gosh, that sounds cryptic!) than have him sell the tickets as I know how passionate he is about this particular band.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 05/12/2015 09:58

But he doesn't give a shit about you not seeing your friend??

gamerchick · 05/12/2015 10:03

Well then you're sorted. Next time he brings it up, tell him 'fine you win, give me your tickets and I'll sell them on and I'll cancel my weekend' then tell him to stfu about it.

Don't cancel your thing just because he's got a cob on. Does he like his own way in other areas as well?

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 10:06

He does, to be honest. I find it frustrating as rather than come out and directly state that he thinks I should not go he mutters under his breath and makes sarcastic comments and it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
clam · 05/12/2015 10:09

"he mutters under his breath and makes sarcastic comments"

Uggh. Hope you're not planning on marrying this guy or sticking with him long-term?

TheCrowFromBelow · 05/12/2015 10:10

Tell him that he's making you uncomfortable and tell him to grow up and stop sulking.
He's trying to spoil your weekend away.
Nothing to do with what's broken.

Hassled · 05/12/2015 10:13

Well don't let him mutter under his breath and make sarky comments on it - call him on it. He's being a twat, and he must know he is. Just get it out in the open - he can stop the muttering because you're going to see your friend regardless and if it's that big a deal he can sell his tickets. Otherwise he needs to keep quiet.

Penfold007 · 05/12/2015 10:14

Cancel the expensive flooring, have your mini break and have a long think about your relationship. Do you really want a sulker for a partner?

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 10:15

It's a bit late to cancel it Smile and it's me who really wants it - I am quite upset he's being so awkward about this. I haven't seen this side of him before: he is usually caring and kind and generous so it's come as a real surprise and I feel confused and upset.

OP posts:
RaspberryOverload · 05/12/2015 10:18

He doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

Wanting you to forgo your weekend away with your friend, making those sarcastic comments, while not even offering to sell his ticket (Download?)

And your posts hint at other selfishness too.

If he's like this now, what's he going to be like when you'd had DCs and possibly not working, therefore relying on him?

This bloke's attitude bores me and I'd find someone else.

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 10:19

I'm not sure what you mean, 'download' Raspberry, sorry - could you clarify?

OP posts:
RaspberryOverload · 05/12/2015 10:33

You mentioned summer concerts and I wondered if it was Download, as most people I know with tickets to that are very possesive of the tickets (me included Grin)

WoodHeaven · 05/12/2015 10:34

Bottom line is:

  • if you cancell you will likely loose all the money you've already p[aid. The difference will be minimal I assume compare to the cost of the flooring/item that is broken.
  • he using PA tactics to get at you but is clearly not happy to have a proper open discussion thta would involve talking about his spending money for a band
  • his well being and what he wants to do is important (the band, the item that is broken, having to be careful with money) but when it's your wellbeing (your trip) then it doesn't matter. You should make the effort.

I would really take all that in the open, in a very neutral and matter of fact way. And see of he is happy to change.
Because YANBU. You're sellfish and he is being difficult.

harshbuttrue1980 · 05/12/2015 10:36

If you don't have children, then you both have the right to autonomy in how you spend your time and money. No one, man or woman, should feel guilty about wanting to do something with friends outside of the relationship. Life is for living, and sometimes things like weekends with friends (or seeing bands for that matter) are more important than home improvements. If you had kids who were going without school shoes then I'd have a different view, but you don't, so enjoy the weekend and wish him well for his concert.

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