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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being unreasonable

55 replies

winterswan · 05/12/2015 08:59

I have arranged to see a friend next weekend and this is booked (flights etc) and mostly paid for. I am staying with her so no expense there but I will take flowers/wine etc.

There is some work that needs doing in our home and DP thinks that because this is expensive I should forgo my weekend away. He keeps bringing this up repeatedly and it's very awkward as I feel I have committed to seeing not only my friend but my little goddaughter and I won't see them until spring 2016 otherwise.

I'm not being unreasonable I don't think - can you give me your honest view? I'm being made to feel really selfish here for going.

OP posts:
Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 10:37

Thank Raspberry, it's for the stone roses Grin we are both going - supporsedly. I like them, but DP practically worships them Hmm

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 05/12/2015 10:39

Why do you think he cares when he is trying to get you to cancel a trip which is going to cost you hardly anything?? Especially when he has very £££ tickets he could sell if he was that bothered.

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 10:51

I don't know scary; I don't know what's in his head at all at the moment. He keeps complaining I will spend money when I'm there, which is true but not a huge amount and that we will waste fuel driving to the airport, even though I've repeatedly said I can get the train.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 05/12/2015 10:52

Do you co-own? It's just you said you were paying for the flooring out of your own money and he wants you to pay for the broken expensive thing. Is it your house and he just lives there? Is that why he doesn't pay for improvements?

ricketytickety · 05/12/2015 10:55

HIBU by the way...didn't make that clear. Your holiday. Your money. Your life.

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 10:55

At present, we are living in my apartment while he rents out his property. We are house hunting at the moment and will probably be looking to buy somewhere together in the spring.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 05/12/2015 10:58

And does he pay half rent and bills to you?

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 11:01

He makes a fair contribution, definitely - more than fair, really.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 05/12/2015 11:03

If he's renting his own property out, he is either getting an income from that or he is renting it out and it covers the cost of the mortgage. Either way, he is now living with you and should pay towards your mortgage/bills. Otherwise he is living rent/mortgage free.

When you buy are you going to go in half and half with the deposit and mortgage and bills?

I'm just raising this because if he expects you to pay for more and forgo your little luxuries whilst he gets to keep his, there is a financial imbalance there.

ricketytickety · 05/12/2015 11:04

cross post, sorry. That's good. Do you think he should help pay for the broken thing? I would say he should...because he lives there.

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 11:06

Yes, he's prepared to but it is a lot of money - around a thousand pounds - and neither of us can stretch to it just now even split down the middle. As a result, he is quite convinced all unnessecary activities should be put on hold until it is bought and paid for.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 05/12/2015 11:10

Squash that nonsense now then- I am NOT cancelling, this is as important to me as your tickets are to you- I'm going and I'm not discussing it again.

He is being completely unreasonable.

ImperialBlether · 05/12/2015 11:15

I don't like the sound of this. So you need to buy a big item and he says you shouldn't spend any of your money but he can spend his money? And he's living in your flat anyway, so it's your business as and when you buy this item?

I'm glad this side of his personality has revealed itself before you marry. You do know you can withdraw from the wedding at any point, don't you?

ricketytickety · 05/12/2015 11:22

well, it's good he sees you need to split the cost down the middle. But not so good he's trying to get you to give up a holiday that you've paid for. You prob wouldn't get a refund on it now so it would be totally wasted money. I think your issue is that although it seems you have worked out the financial arrangement at home to be evenly split (a good thing), he thinks he can then tell you how to spend your cash which then makes it less equal.

SecretBondGirl · 05/12/2015 11:53

I agree with Imperial his immature passive aggressive, miserly controlling behaviour does not bode well for the future.

RandomMess · 05/12/2015 12:09

He is being very very unpleasant and PA - I would beg you to actually have a discussion with him about what the f*ck he is playing at moaning and muttering under his breath about you spending YOUR money on visiting people who are important to you that has been pre-planned and paid for.

He is telling you that he considers your needs & wants as less important than his and is going about it in such a way that you will be ground down and not bother doing such things in the future because of the vibes he will give you about it...

Listen carefully he is telling you who he really is - far more important than you that is for sure!

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 12:10

I like to think he's just anxious about money (we are hoping to start trying for our first baby in the spring) but that's another reason why to be honest I want to do things like visit friends now, as if I do get pregnant we will obviously lose some of that freedom.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 05/12/2015 12:19

But he's not anxious enough that he'll sell his Stone Roses tickets?

I would try for a baby when I was more financially secure, tbh. If you haven't got £1000 now for a repair job then in my opinion you haven't the money to go through pregnancy and maternity leave. It's expensive having a baby and if money is worrying you both now, then that's nothing compared to the financial stress you'll be under when you have a child.

rollonthesummer · 05/12/2015 12:36

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing (concert/weekend away).

He is showing you serious red flags about what sort of person he is, yet you're worried about a weekend away, not spending the rest of your life being tied to a complete tosser.

Don't buy a house or have a baby with him in the spring when big issues remsin unresolved. Otherwise you'll be posting on here next year saying, 'My DH is really controlling with money. I've got a newborn and we've got a huge mortgage and as I'm on maternity leave, I'm not working so we're just living off DH's salary. He says we've got no money so I can't take the baby to Tumble Tots/swimming/but new clothes/take the baby on a plane to visit my friend in Ireland but he's found the money to buy a really expensive ticket to see a band/guitar/new car. I can't afford to leave him as I'm not working. There were red flags about this before we even got married, but I just ignored them...' Etc etc

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 12:37

Yet if this is said in another context everyone insists there's never a right time. Besides, fertility treatment costs over six thousand pounds. It really is a difficult enough time without people making judgements like that.

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notinagreatplace · 05/12/2015 12:45

I think one of the things that's really important in any relationship is how you deal with it as a couple when you disagree - as you do here. Do you come to a compromise (e.g. you take the train, you try to minimise going out with your friend over the weekend or you both agree to cut down on something else) or does one of you feel like you get to overrule the other (e.g. him not accepting anything other than you cancelling the weekend)?

For me, the big red flag here is he doesn't seem to want to accept at all that you have a different opinion to him or discuss that properly with you. What is he like generally when you disagree on something? Even small things like what to eat for dinner?

RandomMess · 05/12/2015 12:46

Can you see that he thinks the replacement of the appliance and his stone roses tickets are far more important and "worthy" than you spending time nurturing a friendship/relationship with 2 people who mean a lot to you???

In the grand scheme of life what is more important to you:
Having things and doing activities or spending time with people you love

What is more important to him???

He is trying to get you to put his desires above yours when IMHO yours are the "correct/healthier" ones?

Greenkit · 05/12/2015 12:49

What is the thing?

Either you both cancel, or you both go...

You can cut down in other ways, he is just jealous that you are going away and he isn't.

Original poster
winterswan · 05/12/2015 13:07

I think he's just anxious. Thanks for advice.

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FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 05/12/2015 13:13

Knew it would be the Stone Roses!

Anyway, if you particularly need the money then it might be valid to cancel a mostly prepaid trip away because you can't justify paying the remaining costs. There are scenarios where that would be appropriate and without knowing what the broken item is, it's impossible to tell if this is one of them. However, if that's the case, the Stone Roses tickets would need to go as well. You're either so desperate for the money that you can't afford any luxuries, or you're not.

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