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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Distant friend wanting to stay

80 replies

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 29/11/2015 04:13

We live in the USA and I have kept in touch vaguely with a number of friends across the world through Facebook over the years. One of them, a really lovely person but who I'm not particularly close to (we shared an office in Paris for a year in 2001/2 and haven't seen each other since, we message about twice a year) is coming to the USA next summer and has messaged me and asked if she and her husband and kids (none of whom I've ever met) can stay for a week. I'm not keen on having visitors apart from family to stay, we have a large dog who can be unpredictable with people she doesn't know in her house (so would have to go to the dog sitters) and although she is really kind and lovely, I just don't know her well enough to have her stay. Aibu and how can I say no?

OP posts:

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 29/11/2015 04:20

It's a bit cheeky and inappropriate to ask such a big favour when you haven't seen her for so long. She's basically asking you to provide a free hotel for the week, it's not like she's only coming to the States just to visit you, is it?

As presumably she doesn't know your house can you just say you don't have any spare space to put up a whole family and tell her you live somewhere pretty boring and far away from anything that she is likely to want to do on holiday?

But offer to meet her somewhere for a day together instead.

Original poster

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 29/11/2015 04:25

Thanks. We live in Houston so it's not exactly Disneyland, I wonder what they will do here for a week.... They are visiting another friend much further north and then heading to Cuba I think. I'll let her know there's not much to do here. We do have one guest room but not space for 4. It is a cheek, I would never consider asking this of anyone except very close friends who would probably offer before I asked anyway....

OP posts:

Spy007 · 29/11/2015 04:29

Could you offer her three nights instead? You could explain about the dog being shipped off and just explain you have a mixture of commitments that month, so sorry not to offer the full week. It could be fun but 3 nights really is the limit with guests.

You could always give them airB&B links or a 'reliable house sitters' website details

Spy007 · 29/11/2015 04:31

Have you anything really interesting further afield? Where do you holiday?

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 29/11/2015 05:34

I agree I would never ask such a thing either, I would just about ask for a week at a push from my own family, maybe 3 nights at most from good friends but from distant friends, no way! We recently stayed with very good friends for five nights at their invitation in their holiday home, but I would never ask to use someone's regular home as a favour when I just intended to use it as a hotel/base. It's very transparent.

It never ceases to amaze me how cheeky some people can be when asking for favours if they think it will save them some money.

FrancisdeSales · 29/11/2015 05:58

I also live in the US. I think this request is totally inappropriate and way too much stress to put you under. I would just say "it's lovely to hear from you but to be honest I don't think it would be appropriate to have you stay as our families do not know each other". Do not apologize or make excuses - she is out of order.

PresidentUnderwood · 29/11/2015 05:59

If she doesn't have the manners to realise her request is inappropriate & grabby (which it is), then she won't have the manners to be a good house guest.

A simple 'no', will suffice. 'We don't have house guests' if she pushes, further than that the phrase 'fuck off' will end the matter.

Lucymatilde · 29/11/2015 06:10

I agree that an honest no is best. It's not convenient and in any case your house is not suited, but it would be nice to meet up somewhere for a meal.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 29/11/2015 07:08

Just say you don't have the room, but if she does end up staying nearby then meet for lunch.

You don't have to say yes to someone you barely know who basically wants a free holiday.

DeepBlueLake · 29/11/2015 07:11

Say no OP.

I am a foreigner in London and over the years I have had some not-so close friends (people from school, ex flatmates etc) stay when travelling, which I didn't mind before I had kids as it was nice for a catch up, talk about the old times. I could also show them the room and leave them to it but now I have kids it disrupts their routine, work, don't have as much space etc.

Now it's strictly family and close friends who I really enjoy the company, I just don't have the time or inclination to put someone up from University 15 years ago.

GruntledOne · 29/11/2015 07:12

Surely it's simple enough to say no, you haven't got room and don't have people to stay because of the dog?

Strawberryfield12 · 29/11/2015 07:23

Just mention about the big and unpredictable dog around strangers and especially kids and she will shy off herself, if you don't want to be blunt and say no.
Agreed that it isn't appropriate to ask you to house them all for so long time.

pasturesgreen · 29/11/2015 07:27

No way!!

I can't believe the utter cheek some people seem to have!

Just say no, it doesn't work for you. No need to go into lengthy explanations, this is a person you haven't seen in 15 years and only hear from a couple of times a year: you shouldn't feel as though you owe her anything.

IwishIwasinNewYork · 29/11/2015 07:30

This is a no brainer and an easy one to say no to.

Just reply: 'Hi great to hear from you. Sorry to disappoint but I'm going to have to say no to you staying here - we don't have the room and have a big, unpredictable dog that doesn't always take kindly to houseguests! If you decide to stay near to Houston, would love to meet for dinner or drinks'

OP why did you need to get opinions on this? Was it to see if in general people would think you should accommodate houseguests out of kindness, or is it because you find it hard to be assertive?

ofallthenerve · 29/11/2015 07:59

Ugh I know people who do this all the time. I find it so rude. This couple travel all over the place and NEVER pay for accommodation. They asked to stay with me once and I said yes. I didn't see them pretty much the whole weekend, they were just using my flat as a hotel. Next time they asked I said it would be a bit awkward due to work I had to do and would they mind staying elsewhere.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 29/11/2015 08:03

Tell her that after talking it over with your family it would be difficult to accommodate them.

The dog shouldn't have to be removed from his home for a week for people you aren't even very close to.

You aren't close so I wouldn't be worried if she takes offence.

rainydaygrey · 29/11/2015 08:09

You obviously need to say no but I honestly don't understand the outrage at the fact that she asked. Under the circumstances it doesn't seem like it was really a reasonable request but I don't see how it hurts to ask. You can easily say no, right?

Norma27 · 29/11/2015 08:13

I am in England and my brother lives in the USA. Last time we actually saw each other was at my wedding 10 years ago. I would love to go over and see him and his wife and kids ( I know his wife but we haven't seen each other's children). I wouldn't ask them to put us up though as it is too much of an imposition even though I know they have a big place. Similarly if they came here there simply isn't the room and I would have to get them to stay in a local, cheap hotel.
Where my brother lives there also wouldn't be much to do so my plan is one year to meet up with them in Florida instead.
I think your friend is cheeky and just looking for a cheap holiday. No way should you send your dog away for people you don't know.

HackerFucker22 · 29/11/2015 08:15

Jeez what a cheeky mare.

I wouldn't dream of expecting a random fb friend I haven't seen in over a decade put me and my family up for a week.

Tell her no can do due to dog / space situation - although you really shouldn't have to explain yourself.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/11/2015 08:19

Just tell her you have a big dog that is unpredictable around children.

That should put an end to her desire to visit.

BMW6 · 29/11/2015 08:20

Perfect reply.

ilovelamp82 · 29/11/2015 08:21

I was going to come on and say that's a bit mean. But she's asking for her husband and kids to stay too, so that's a bit cheeky. I'd just be honest and say you'd love to see her but you just don't have the room for them all.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/11/2015 08:29

Given that you live in Houston and not somewhere tourists usually want to go, it sounds to me like she might be coming specifically to see you.

I have old friends I'm not much in touch with regularly due to distsnce, but when we're together the time falls away.

It's possible that she thinks of you as much closer than you do, and is hoping to reconnect with an old friend rather than use you are free accommodation.

mmmuffins · 29/11/2015 08:41

It's fine to say no. Some people genuinely do enjoy guests from afar whoever they are/always think the more the merrier, but many of us don't! I think it's fine they asked, you say no if it's not for you.

myusernamewastaken · 29/11/2015 09:05

Op have they given you a definite date?? if so then you can lie and say you are away yourselves that week or you already have guests staying x

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