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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Distant friend wanting to stay

80 replies

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 29/11/2015 04:13

We live in the USA and I have kept in touch vaguely with a number of friends across the world through Facebook over the years. One of them, a really lovely person but who I'm not particularly close to (we shared an office in Paris for a year in 2001/2 and haven't seen each other since, we message about twice a year) is coming to the USA next summer and has messaged me and asked if she and her husband and kids (none of whom I've ever met) can stay for a week. I'm not keen on having visitors apart from family to stay, we have a large dog who can be unpredictable with people she doesn't know in her house (so would have to go to the dog sitters) and although she is really kind and lovely, I just don't know her well enough to have her stay. Aibu and how can I say no?

OP posts:
Ughnotagain · 29/11/2015 09:17

Just say no. If you don't know her that well then it's not like you'll ever see her. If FB is the only contact you have then just block her if she gets arsey over it.

LondonKitty · 29/11/2015 09:26

Just say it's not convenient, sorry, but you'd be happy to meet her for lunch if she stays nearby. As others have said, you're under no obligation to explain yourself. And her inappropriateness (her entire family for a week!!!Shock) would make me give her less consideration, not more.

It's a huge imposition to ask such a thing of anyone, let alone someone you barely know.

That sort of thing really gets me going. I bet if she stayed she would use you like a hotel and you'd not see them (and we've had this happen!). You don't invite yourself to stay; you wait to be invited or find other accommodation.

If it had been a heavy hint, asking you for decent B&B in the area because she was keen to catch up with you, then maybe I'd think about extending a 2 night invitation. But not a week!

You are definitely NBU.

scarlets · 29/11/2015 09:39

Wow. Strange request. I'd kind of understand if she wanted to stay the night before getting a morning flight from Houston or something, but a whole week - a holiday - is an imposition.

I would not put my family pet into kennels to accommodate such a tenuous friendship either.

When my mate moved to a seaside cottage in Pembrokeshire, she suddenly got lots of people coming out of the woodwork in readiness for the summer holidays. People who never wanted to visit "her" when she lived in a 1970s semi on the outskirts of an industrial town.

DoreenLethal · 29/11/2015 09:40

My response would be 'Ooh it would be lovely to meet for a catch up but we don't have the space for 4 people to stay and we have a big dawg that is not happy with strangers. Let me know where you are planning on staying in Houston and we can meet for a meal or coffee. The [insert awesome place] is good for meetups [insert trip advisor linkie].'

VocationalGoat · 29/11/2015 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 29/11/2015 09:54

Pretty much what DoreenLethal said.

One week is taking the piss if you're not close or family.

Littlef00t · 29/11/2015 09:54

No need to let her down gently, you barely know her and any 'friendship' isn't worth putting yourself out to that extent for a week.

M48294Y · 29/11/2015 09:58

I agree, be honest. She has been very rude in putting you on the spot and forcing your hand like this! I would reply

"Hi friend, of course it would be great to meet up in Houston next summer but I'm afraid I'm not going to offer the four of you accommodation for a week! That's an awful lot to ask from someone you haven't seen for 14 years don't you think? I hope you find somewhere suitable to stay - have you considered Air bnb? and we can maybe have a day trip or dinner out while you are. Always happy to offer advice on things to do in Houston - be warned, there's not much!"

DeepBlueLake · 29/11/2015 10:05

I don't think she's doing a specific holiday to visit the Op as they are going to other places as well. They are only in brief contact and if she wanted to visit, she would have done it long ago otherwise, not 15 years down the line.

More like she thought, 'where can I go on holiday on the cheap'.

CandlesBurning · 29/11/2015 10:07

Like others have said, Say you would love to meet up for the day, but you can't have them stay as your humongous dog would not be happy, and you do not wish to put them in kennels, also you don't have the space to put them up, and everyone would be sleeping on the floor in one room.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/11/2015 10:12

Extremely cheeky and grabby to ask such a big favour wen you are not close and haven't seen her in a very long time. Not only her, but her whole family! That would really get my back up, I would say no sorry, we don't have the room, we only have close relatives over to stay.

rainydaygrey · 29/11/2015 10:15

Gosh I'm still shocked by how shocked some of you are by the simple fact of her asking. I agree she's asking a lot and I would definitely say no. But if someone wrote to me "that's an awful lot to ask someone you haven't seen in 14 years don't you think" then it would be pretty clear that I had pissed them off and they didn't want to clear things up. I doubt I'd respond TBH.

I wouldn't make that kind of request in the first place TBH but I hardly think it warrants the shock and offence some of you are clearly feeling on the OP's behalf. It was just a question!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/11/2015 10:16

Tell her it woukd be nice to meet up for the day, but you are not able to have visitors sorry.

TheTigerIsOut · 29/11/2015 10:17

My friends are spread all around the world and from time to time I get that kind of requests. I cannot say that I have not resent those requests coming from people who have barely been in touch but...

I have noticed that, without exception, those people who have barely been in touch have been WONDERFUL when coming to stay, they have gone the extra mile to be useful at home, to make it a great time for everyone and have shown how much they appreciate we have welcomed them at home.

My best friend, however, has acted like an entitled git using our home as a B&B and expect us to join him in his toristic adventure with no consideration to the fact that we are NOT in holiday and are not willing to go out for dinner, every single night that he is around.

I know that a lot of people will find it rude for her to suggest staying with you, but when you are a expat (or have been one) you know that this is not at all uncommon. It is normal.

I would say that if you liked her, and would like to see her and met her family, then fantastic, just let her make her own decision when it comes to staying with a dog you think is unpredictable (or mention about the dog and suggest they find a nice hotel so you all can spend some time together).

chillycurtains · 29/11/2015 10:17

I don't think she is being that weird asking. I mean a lot of people would say yes so if it's going to save you a week long hotel bill or apartment rental then it's worth asking. Better than meeting up with you when she's out and you saying 'oh you should have stayed!'

That said you just say no, I'm really sorry we can't have visitors. I'm sure she won't mind and if she doesn't you weren't that close and it's not like you are going to bump in to her.

I would consider whether you could offer to have her and her family to stay for a weekend. If you want to see her at all that is.

lorelei9 · 29/11/2015 10:19

I don't understand the problem here - you message twice a year? This would be a cheeky request from someone you talk to twice a day!

just say, "no" and don't offer any explanation.

M48294Y · 29/11/2015 10:20

Well we're all different aren't we? It WOULD piss me off to be even asked something like this. And I'm a very easy-going person, honest.

LovelyWeatherForDucks · 29/11/2015 10:22

Go with the reply suggested by IWishIwasInNewYork. Perfect.

Egosumquisum · 29/11/2015 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheTigerIsOut · 29/11/2015 10:24

Ps. i think that going all the way to Houston just to have access to free accommodation is unlikely, if she wanted free accommodation she wouldn't spend so much money in flights for a whole family just to get to that free accommodation. Simples, she may appreciate your friendship more than you do hers and I do think that contacting you twice a year when she hasn't seen you in 15 years is actually pretty good sign that she cares about you.

OneMoreCasualty · 29/11/2015 10:26

Agree with others - say no. People who ask for these kind of favours are expecting you to be just as straightforward in saying no!

GloriaHotcakes · 29/11/2015 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mintoil · 29/11/2015 10:32

Oh dear, I used to live abroad somewhere that was very attractive to visitors. I suddenly became incredibly popular with people I hardly knew who wanted to stay.

Just say you aren't having houseguests at all, but can recommend a local Holiday Inn if they really want to meet up. You won't see them for dust.

BaronessSamedi · 29/11/2015 10:33

a week is too long anyway.
i would say no.

ovenchips · 29/11/2015 10:37

I think given your tenuous friendship with her it's actually kind of an easy one to refuse. I would word it that it's 'not possible' for her to stay with you, but you would love to meet up when she's in US if possible. Job done.

Please don't worry about refusing. She may be chancing her luck, she may genuinely think it's a good idea and want to be with you for a week - you can't be sure of her motivation for asking. But it's a big ask and an easy one to decline.

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