Distant friend wanting to stay

[MyFriendsCallMeOh]

We live in the USA and I have kept in touch vaguely with a number of friends across the world through Facebook over the years. One of them, a really lovely person but who I'm not particularly close to (we shared an office in Paris for a year in 2001/2 and haven't seen each other since, we message about twice a year) is coming to the USA next summer and has messaged me and asked if she and her husband and kids (none of whom I've ever met) can stay for a week. I'm not keen on having visitors apart from family to stay, we have a large dog who can be unpredictable with people she doesn't know in her house (so would have to go to the dog sitters) and although she is really kind and lovely, I just don't know her well enough to have her stay. Aibu and how can I say no?

I've not read the whole thread, but the dog is presumably viewed as part of the family?
Why would you ship away one of the family members to accommodate people who you barely know?
You haven't seen this woman for 14 years!!
My MIL has cats, many, many many cats. And I have quite bad allergies and we seem to think that my allergies are accelerated by the cats.
I've never said anything to her, but as I was sneezing away one day my husband joked it was the cats, he got a death stare from me. And MIL said if I had a problem with the cats then I shouldn't come to the house they live in

Say you don't have space for the whole family.

If she doesn't have the manners to realise her request is inappropriate & grabby (which it is), then she won't have the manners to be a good house guest

This sums it up. We hosted a couple we hadn't seen for years (they didn't know the children's names etc.). They were rude, inconsiderate, and a total nightmare over the four days they stayed. And they didn't bring so much as a bar of chocolate as a thank you, even though they gave me a shopping list of £40 of weird food stuffs to buy the moment our plane landed from holiday (they were coming the next day). We've not been in touch since.

Is your friend British? If not, it may be perfectly normal and natural to her make such a request.

I have a lot of friends from other countries sue to travelling/volunteering for a lot of Summers and they all seem to take it as read that if I (and the children!) are ever going to be anywhere near them I must stay with them. They also expect it the other way too. One friend from Brazil had a planned trip to the UK for 3 weeks a few years ago and was staying with me. That was fine then one day she dropped into conversation that her parents and best friend were coming to. There was no question in her mind that they wouldn't all stay too. And nothing I could really say because they automatically do it for everyone who visits them. It's cultural. This same friend is trying to move over here now and when I've asked her where she'd like to settle she says things like 'well, anywhere really. I'd probably start off with you and see what happened after that ...!' It's not rudeness because she'd expect me to do the same and I have spent weeks at a time at her/her parents house too. I've had similar experiences with Canadians, South Africans, Australians and Indians.

But if she's British - well, I don't think it's particularly rude to ask but it's certainly something I'd take a deep breath, know I was being cheeky about and wouldn't do.

It's one thing to ask for yourself, and completely cheeky to ask if your family who op has never met, to stay. Send them some links to local hotels.

For years we put up dhs cousins visiting from the US. Various cousins with wives usually. The older family members didn't feel up to it and we had plenty of room. Then we visited some of my family in the States and dh contacted one cousin saying he'd like to visit. On his own. He said.. Now is not a good time. That was it. No explanation no apology. Just do what suits yourself.

.

I think asking to stay at someone else's house for a week with your husband and two kids whom you have not seen in 14 years and only in brief contact since is taking the piss.

I have no problem with close friends or family asking to stay but I am not going to have every Tom, Dick and Harry stay in my house just because I live in a tourist destination.

I had someone who I went to school and haven't seen in years ask if she could stay at my house last year with her two kids for a week as she had a wedding to attend to here. I said no as it was inconvenient.

And MIL said if I had a problem with the cats then I shouldn't come to the house they live in

speaking as a cat lover- your MIL is rude, and fortunately we don't all talk to our families like this and have such little consideration for our families!

That said, OP, just say a polite no to this!

Good grief. This is so bizarre I'm not sure I'd even want to see this person. How can she possibly be nice AND expect to stay at someone's house for a week who they don't know with their children?

It's a request - it's not a demand. Just say something like "we can't put you up as we have no room but I'd love to meet up with you if you do come to Houston" (That last bit only if you do want to see her of course!). Job done.

Just extending my sympathies on this one. We have it regularly in London too with visitors from the U.S. Many are ex- uni mates of mine. One in particular who just does not open her purse to treat and stays a week, ten days. Seems to reckon she deserves looking after by us - will watch us spend sixty quid on a curry for the family, not volunteer to contribute, and then tell us over dinner about all the things she's treated herself to in London. I'm ranting now. TBF- other guests have been brilliant.

I would be polite to your friend but just refuse if it's not convenient. If you go ahead do it knowing that they may not feel obliged to contribute and you need to decide if this is going to drive u round the bend.

OVienna you've stopped hosting her I presume?

So, we hadn't seen her in two years before it happened this time. The previous two times we've seen her it was less clear cut for various reasons. Although I did start taking some action. I am on my phone d do it's hard to go into thatch detail. This year was the worst and it be done cheat it's HER way, if that makes sense. I may not say you can't stay ever again but I will address the food spending issue if we do agree to host her.

I think the world falls into two camps; people like me who would never ask a favour off anyone unless it was a matter of life and death and those who ask others all the time.
i have a friend like this who asks favours constantly, like the time I was 40 weeks pregnant with my second child and she asked me to look after her 3 year old twins whilst she went shopping. However I have realised that people like this are not offended if you say no. Its more an attitude of oh I thought I would ask just in case.
Now I just say clear off you cheeky bugger and she laughs.

Sorry it became cheat that. Ersin behaviours were HER and not a misunderstanding.

Not doing well with this. I give up.

'Some people genuinely do enjoy guests from afar whoever they are/always think the more the merrier, but many of us don't! I think it's fine they asked, you say no if it's not for you.'

Nothing wrong with her asking, nothing wrong if you refuse. I seriously don't understand some of the reactions on this thread. All she did was ask.

I'd go with Iwish's response. I'm from Houston. Entertaining a family there for a week would be a nightmare, especially if they have no car. You can't go anywhere without a car, especially in Summer, because it is mega, mega, mega hot. I spend about a month or so there in summer with my kids every year, but I kept my driver's license and my folks and sister just put me on their insurance so I can at least get to a friend's house, go to the store and pick up stuff, take the kids out to the pool, take them to the movies, etc.

Unless they're into shopping and you can drop them off at the mall or something.

Thanks everyone, you've confirmed my point of view, thought I might just be a bit mean as I really don't like having house guests that much, or being one.

Expat, you have a good point, if she's visiting in summer (which I think she is although no dates yet), it will be a nightmare. Our pool isn't fenced and my kids are great swimmers but hers might not be. My friend is French, she speaks great English and I speak great French but my dh and kids don't and I presume her (primary school age) kids don't speak English. We can definitely meet up and do stuff with the kids (although mine are normally in the UK or in camp most of the summer) but once we've done Nasa and a couple of museums, that's about it. She would be better even staying on the coast and driving to Houston for a couple of days, if she wanted to stay one night, it would probably be OK.....

Of course, if we are in the UK when she is planning to visit, all this is a moot point.....

I'll respond kindly with alternative suggestions and let you know how I get on....

Very good point about the heat and the driving Expat. At least in London guests can make their own way around.

'She would be better even staying on the coast and driving to Houston for a couple of days, if she wanted to stay one night, it would probably be OK....'

Yeah, in Kemah, for example. But even there, you still need to drive. And in summer, damn, it's SO hot. I have two primary-aged children and we are there visiting family but even then, finding stuff to do is hard and most if it involves their swimming a lot. My sister lives in Galveston County and has a pool so we generally spend time at hers and the kids go in and out of the pool but they, like yours, are excellent swimmers.

If her kids were teens I'd suggest dropping them off at the Galleria a couple of afternoons, but not primary ones. You can definitely get two afternoons out of that place and the surrounding area. They might still like it. My daughter did, but she is into clothes and stuff.

I think you are on holiday that week

OK, I have responded:

Would love to spend time with you, no room for visitors to stay, large dog who is unpredictable and nervous among strangers. Not sure why you would spend a week in Houston, not much to do, nicer parts of Texas (Austin, hill country, San Antonio, coastline, ranches where you can go trailriding etc), would love to meet up with you for a day, can help with AirBnB recommendations, hotels etc for your stay blah blah blah

While she might be wanting to strengthen a very distant friendship, we're not going to catch up for a whole week while her husband and kids do what exactly..... She hasn't given me dates yet (so I can't tell her we're away) but I imagine it's next summer. I hope this lovely person doesn't take offence but I just don't feel comfortable with this....

I would let her know, too, that regardless of where she goes in Texas, she needs to hire a car. It's probably better she drives in the Hill Country than in Houston. LOL. I keep forgetting how cray cray people drive at home.

What nationality is she?

Not everyone is British, you know, posters. Yes it would be an offensive and cheeky request from someone British but may not be a cheeky or inappropriate request from someone from another culture.

Or, as a pp says, it's a normal request in the ex-pat community.