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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have put the phone down on dd before I lost it.

58 replies

livedtotellthetale · 25/11/2015 14:49

Both dds are away at University dd1 in second year dd2 in first year. They get there student loans and some maintenance
grants to help with there living costs.
I work full time and help when I can. as in the past Deposits for accommodation, Money towards flights for dds trip away for 8 weeks over the summer, All the stuff when they first went to Uni and money when I can.
Both dds have had part time Jobs since being sixteen and have been pretty good in not asking for too much as don't and haven't got anything from their dad in years.

DD1 Asked me to help towards her deposit for next years accommodation year 3, they have to get in quick as there is a shortage in her Uni town, I explained that at the moment things are very tight increase in my rent and am struggling a bit. but would help as much as I could.
So pay day today and I have trans £100.00 into her account towards the deposit this has left me short and things tight for Christmas I cancelled a few meet ups as can not afford it things are tight for me.
Have just been speaking to her to be fair she called to thank me. and we were chatting and she mentioned that her friend owed her £40.00 that she dosent think she will get back and that they are booking tickets to all go out New years eve and the tickets cost £80.00. I just said what. and said bye and put the phone down.

She will be going back to her part time Job when she comes back for Xmas and dd2 is working in her Uni town now so they are not lazy but will be having them both back home for 3 weeks over Xmas so my bills will go up which is fine (and do miss them loads) but the fact they will be spending lots on socializing while I am struggling to make ends meet.

OP posts:
Clobbered · 25/11/2015 14:56

Good for you that you stayed in control and didn't fly off the handle (as I think I would have done...). They are more than old enough to understand the financial position you are in, and be a bit more responsible and considerate. If you can bear to, I'd wait until they are both home for Christmas, then sit them down and talk through your budget and show them just how difficult it is to make ends meet. They are young and probably under pressure from friends to join in with social things, and it simply may not have occurred to them that Bank of Mum has limits. The fact that they are working is great, but they can't expect handouts from you if they are spending that sort of money on fancy events. Really really unreasonable and unfair.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 25/11/2015 14:56

Does she know that you have cut yourself short for her to have that £100?

It's probably just general thoughtlessness, I was very much the same at that age Blush but to be fair neither parent ever said that subbing me meant less elsewhere!

I'm not sure what I would do.

NickyEds · 25/11/2015 15:06

YANBU and you were really quite restrained. My first words would have been "so you didn't need £100 for a deposit you needed £80 for a bloody night out".I would probably have then waited for her to explain herself- but then I am mean! You explained that things were tight so she shouldn't have taken your money. I'm guessing you won't be going on any £80 nights out anytime soon with your money??

MaidOfStars · 25/11/2015 15:15

She's likely being thoughtless. She is old enough to be told exactly how money works between you all, and to know that you struggle and go without in order to give her cash.

If I'd have done the same, my Mum would have asked for the £100 back.

MrsMolesworth · 25/11/2015 15:23

You did well. But you need to have the conversation with her now, because it's time for her to grow up. Explain to her that in order to send her that £100 you had to cancel going out yourself and celebrating over Christmas. That you didn't mind as her rent was a priority.

But it can't be one rule for you and another for her, with her as higher status and more deserving and entitled than her mum. She really does need to understand that if she can afford £80 for a NYE ticket you deserve that £100 back by bank transfer within 24 hours. Let her know how upset you feel.

ThruUlikeAshortcut · 25/11/2015 15:25

I remember being young - and going out NYE was an absolute must do. Except in the olden days a night out went up from £5 - £8 - these days these promoters really hike up their prices. If all her friends are going what do you want her to do? Sit at home alone watching Jules Holland on telly!

I would suggest she talks to her friends to say she can't afford £80 for ticket and perhaps they should all go to he pub or somewhere else for the night - I'm a SP too and know how skint I can get - send her a text explaining she needs to re-think her NYE plans, don't be too angry with her.

MaidOfStars · 25/11/2015 15:35

If all her friends are going what do you want her to do? Sit at home alone watching Jules Holland on telly!

Well, yes. If there's not enough money for her to go out, what do you think should happen?

ThruUlikeAshortcut · 25/11/2015 15:36

Read the rest of my post Maid

OhPillocks · 25/11/2015 15:40

Oh dear, that is very thoughtless of her. You are going without to subsidise her 'friend' and so she can go out. I'd be cross too. I'd insist on her getting the money back from the friend. I don't know about the New Year event. Has she already paid? It seems a lot for students. My DCs Uni events all seem ridiculously cheap.

How about sending a text to explain why you put the phone down. Hopefully she will apologise, grovel and make it up to you.

QueenofallIsee · 25/11/2015 15:40

I think that you were very restrained, she is certainly old enough to make better judgments than that! I would ask her to reimburse you and categorically tell her that in subbing her, you had to forgo your own plans - its does no one any good if she misses that message

bessiebumptious2 · 25/11/2015 15:41

Good grief - £80 for a night out? NYE or not, that's hideous, just for a ticket. Time for her to learn that you need to live within your means and cut your cloth accordingly. If she has to celebrate NYE some other way then it won't kill her - that's life.

SallyStarbuck · 25/11/2015 15:46

I agree, you've been very restrained!

Now is the time for a serious 'adult' conversation. No, you don't mind helping her with a deposit for a flat because money is always tight as a student. However, you are not prepared to cancel your own nights out and limit your own Christmas activities to lend her £100, only for her to promptly blow 80% of that (at least) on a ticket to a party.

Tell her that unless that £100 is going on the deposit and she is making the same scrimping and saving herself, then you'll have it back, thank you very much.

MrsJayy · 25/11/2015 15:49

Im impressed you showed such restraint tbh i would have told 1 of mine if they were taking the piss! thing is am sure they dont get itshe seperated her nye thing with her deposit she didnt click that her spending left you short you need to tel l her/them that your money isnt on tap.why cant she get a job in her uni town? And if it was me id say that £100 is her christmas present

Aposey · 25/11/2015 15:49

I think maybe you need to change the way you are helping them with money. You have helped them a lot with both everyday costs and for extras like trips, but since you yourself don't have lots of money to be spending on extras now I think you need to make it clear that you can't always help them financially.

While I was at university the help my parents gave went from the everyday stuff at the beginning to emergency only by the 2nd year. It was great because I knew if everything suddenly got screwed up I could ask for a bail out, but I had to budget for myself. I didn't have much money so I had to be incredibly careful. And I really would never, ever consider spending £80 for a ticket for night out! And if I had I wouldn't have been so silly as to tell a parent that I had just borrowed money from!

They are old enough to take responsibility for themselves, if you want to still give them money then do so as birthday/christmas and emergencies, but they need to learn to budget themselves properly!

Aposey · 25/11/2015 15:52

And Im saying the above because I think trying to manage how she spends the money is only going to annoy both of you! You can't make her get the money back from her friends, and she is an adult now so you cant stop her going out and spending all her money on it. But you can change how you fund her so she learns how to make better decisions herself in the future.

Bakeoffcake · 25/11/2015 15:58

I have a dd at uni and she is rubbish with money- but getting better. My dd would do something like yours have done, and as others have said it is sheer thoughtlessness. I think you need to tell your dd that you are a bit short over Christmas and so giving her the £100 has been difficult. Therefore her spending £80 on a night out has made you really cross.

You need to spell it out I'm afraid!

Whether or not you ask for the money back is up to you but a good talk will hopefully stop anything like this happening again.

SocialAnxiety · 25/11/2015 16:02

Wow you were very restrained.

I think given you've already had the talk with her about how things are tight financially for you, which has obviously gone over her head, you should call back and explain that you had to cancel your own social plans and treats for over Christmas to send her that money, but now that you've learned that she actually has a spare £120 at her disposal, you'll be needing your money transferred back into your account by tomorrow.

MajesticWhine · 25/11/2015 16:03

YABU. You need to discuss it openly not put the phone down. Perhaps she has no idea of the sacrifices you have made to give her the money. I don't think there are any prizes for restraint. Sometimes you have to tell it like it is, even if that means getting angry.

StillMedusa · 25/11/2015 16:06

You were very restrained :)

I had a similar situation with DD1 (I also had two at Uni at the same time...both graduated this year )

DD1 asked me for £250 for her deposit... somewhat reluctantly ( as she could have saved some of her occasional bank work money) I sent it.
Theh a few days later she excitedly told me she was off to buy a surf board with her job savings....

I was not impressed and put the phone down on her. (I also checked if I was being unreasonable with her younger sister who said no way!)

She didn't dare buy that surf board.... and yes in her head she had 'my fun money I earned it' which was separate from 'I need rent money..have none..ask Mum' She has now graduated, earns more than I do and has quickly dicovered that she really has to budget to pay rent etc etc and that fun stuff is bottom of the list!

DD2 on the other hand managed to graduate with savings from her p/t job and is totally sensible financially...very different personalities !

NanaNina · 25/11/2015 16:06

Sorry but I don't quite get this - the DD didn't actually say she was buying a ticket for £80 did she - I thought she said "they were all buying tickets" - could that mean everyone she knew, or her friends? Sorry if I've got it wrong. It could have been a hint for money towards the ticket though. Or have I got this wrong?

Fairylea · 25/11/2015 16:07

I think you need to explain to her in real terms how much that £100 (and the rest) means to you. At that age I doubt she understands the impact - late teens are very egocentric! I was Blush

MrsJayy · 25/11/2015 16:14

Iagree you need to talk to her about budgeting you are leaving yourself short she has to sort herself out I know they can be rubbish with money but she really is taking the piss.

Original poster
livedtotellthetale · 25/11/2015 16:16

Thank you for your reply's I think I held it more together as am in the office also didnt want a quick angry response from me, Also the dds know me and when I am quite instead of losing it know they have really upset me.

I will have a chat with dds as it has really upset me as I do my best in helping them leaving myself short at times. dd1 did have a job in her Uni town but treated her really badly she will be looking for a new one in the new year.

OP posts:
4China · 25/11/2015 16:16

I'm sorry but I'm going against the grain and saying you are being unreasonable.

If you give someone money, it's theirs. As much as you might want/wish/hope that it would make them financially responsible, giving someone money does not mean you then get to have a say in how they spend their money in other areas of their life.

If you want to give her money with very strict conditions attached about what she does with the rest of her money then make that very clear.

4China · 25/11/2015 16:18

I also think you need to stop martyring yourself. If you can't afford the money don't send it. If you do send it, do it with a good grace and accept that it's then hers to do what she wants with, including making stupid irrational teenage purchases. But don't send the money and then expect that it gives you a right to have a say in her finances or to sit at home feeling bitter and hard done by.

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