To have put the phone down on dd before I lost it.

[livedtotellthetale]

Both dds are away at University dd1 in second year dd2 in first year. They get there student loans and some maintenance
grants to help with there living costs.
I work full time and help when I can. as in the past Deposits for accommodation, Money towards flights for dds trip away for 8 weeks over the summer, All the stuff when they first went to Uni and money when I can.
Both dds have had part time Jobs since being sixteen and have been pretty good in not asking for too much as don't and haven't got anything from their dad in years.

DD1 Asked me to help towards her deposit for next years accommodation year 3, they have to get in quick as there is a shortage in her Uni town, I explained that at the moment things are very tight increase in my rent and am struggling a bit. but would help as much as I could.
So pay day today and I have trans £100.00 into her account towards the deposit this has left me short and things tight for Christmas I cancelled a few meet ups as can not afford it things are tight for me.
Have just been speaking to her to be fair she called to thank me. and we were chatting and she mentioned that her friend owed her £40.00 that she dosent think she will get back and that they are booking tickets to all go out New years eve and the tickets cost £80.00. I just said what. and said bye and put the phone down.

She will be going back to her part time Job when she comes back for Xmas and dd2 is working in her Uni town now so they are not lazy but will be having them both back home for 3 weeks over Xmas so my bills will go up which is fine (and do miss them loads) but the fact they will be spending lots on socializing while I am struggling to make ends meet.

but China, can't you see OP feels lied to? This was not a gift that OP is now trying to dictate how it is spent. I would agreee that a gift is a gift and they can spend it as they wish.
This was a plea for the money as it was needed for somthing vital, and the OP put herself short to help out, only to find out the DD has apparently plenty of money but is just spending it on frivolous things over the essentials. Sounds like some of her mates are more well off, well tough - she has to learn to live within her means, as we all do!

I would let her learn the hard way - after a stern talk, just stop bailing her out.

Was she actually asking you to give her the £80 or was she just having a general conversation about her plans for New Year, and she is funding the ticket herself from her part time job?

Was she asking you to give her a further £40 because she doesn't think her friend will return it to her, or was she just sounding off about that?

I don't find those two answers clear from your OP. If she did actually ask you directly for the money then you have to tell her clearly that there is no more money available because for various reasons things have become very tight for you. A reasoned conversation. If she appreciates your point of view then fine. If she wants to go to the New Year thing then surely that is fine if SHE pays for it.

I agree that she may well just be being a bit thoughtless, but at this time of year students are getting swept along in the planning of these things. Are you sure she wasn't just making excited conversation?

Yeah you know what? Ignore me. I'm totally wrong about this as I missed the bit where the DD actually asked for the money. That does make it different. I'm sorry, OP.

another thing, I was very appreciative of being allowed to live rent free at home in the hols, but boy I knew not to take the piss, I did housework and took turns on the cooking etc. I made sure mum knew if I was in or not for meals. Do OPs DDs realise how much her expenses will go up just having them there for the hols? do they appreciate it, or treat the place like a hotel and her like a skivvy?

4 China I dont Martyr myself at all, I do the best and what I can for dds dont we all, I gave dd the money as she was short for her Depsot for next years rent, I then was shocked to here she was going to a event costing £80.00 and was shocked.

She hasn't and wouldnt ask for me to pay for the New year ticket, she wouldnt dare.

Mum is going short so daughter could have that £100 for her rent deposit and people are really saying that it's okay for the daughter to spend £80 on a night out!!!!!

You were restrained OP, honest to god I would have had to tape my mouth shut to not let rip at her.

I think a serious 'talk' is in order. Our DS2 has the same problem. I think it's just a combination of youth and poor money management.

We've had to have more than one 'talk' about necessities first, fun later and you only ask for money if you truly can't afford things after cutting out all your 'fun' stuff.

Now when he asks for money (which is pretty rare) he's usually pretty upfront about why he's short and needs it. Lately he hasn't asked and seems to be doing much better.

I dont think anybody is really saying the Nye £80 is ok.

So she hasn't asked you for the £80 for the New Year ticket.

Is there any argument then? You gave her £100. You have no more left to give, much as you (we all) might wish it could be otherwise, and you simply explain that to her if the need arises. Anything over and above that, regardless of what it is for, she has to fund herself because you have done all that you can. That includes accommodation deposits.

I honestly wouldn't make an issue over it at this stage. If I had to say anything at all it would be along the lines of "so long as you understand that the £100 I gave you is all that I can spare at all for now and the rest is down to you. I can do no more".

I am not talking from a position of wealth. Not a single parent, but as a family on a very modest single income we spent years on the bones of our arses not knowing how we would get through each month until I got back into work again very recently. I know what it is like to have no money, and be be in total despair over it.

My DD1 is also a uni student (third year and it is spent abroad) and gets full loans and maintenance grants. She has also worked since her teenage years in a variety of part time jobs, and has had some term time jobs at uni too to make ends meet.

She might just have been making excited conversation with you and could now be upset that you cut her off.

OP you did well to just put the phone down. £80 is an awful lot to spend on NYE. I would call or text her back and explain how budgeting works. Make it crystal clear that she didn't need the £100 from you for her rent deposit. What she needed to do was find a cheaper way to celebrate NYE and get the £40 back from her friend. Heck, she needs to know you never lend money when you can't afford for it to not be repaid.

I would also make it clear that you couldn't really afford to help her and you adjusted your plans to free up that money. While you don't mind doing this when necessary, your DD cried wolf and next time you will be a lot more hesitant to send money.

BTW I went through university at the end of the era of cheap nights out. The student events held are a lucrative industry. Your DD needs to see it for what it is and have the confidence to do her own thing. Spending that much on a night out is crazy.

Zucker, I would just say that there is no more money where the £100 came from and won't be for the foreseeable future. Matter of fact, and not making an argument about it. She has to fund herself from now on.

I always do this to my kids. All are now earning some money one way or another. If I am ever asked for something totally frivolous now then my stock response is that it is fine if they are able to pay for it themselves. Odd how that sometimes makes what they wanted seem less attractive!!

It is a different approach, but one I am more comfortable with.

It's pretty shit that she's got £80 earmarked for a night out, plus is owed £40 & is blagging money off the OP.

Compounded by the fact that OP has cancelled arrangements.

Assume when she's back & working she will pay back the £100, plus pay some rent.

Op i went uni on loan and and uni grant, i also worked part time. I knew i never had anyone to rely on so i was careful with money. dont give them any money sincw you are just making ends meet. If you had extra and wanted to gift them thats lovely otherwise dont. My parents werw in the same position as you so i never dared asked them didnt feel right.

So what if she cant keep up with the joneses, in real life you dont spend on a night out or a designer bag just to fit in, unless youve paid ur bills andhave extra money for those treats, your dd needs to learn that tough lesson.

Dont help her anymore

4China I don't agree. OP didn't give money as a present. She was asked to help out with a deposit. The inference is that her daughter was unable to finance her own needs - ie a roof over her head and had to ask for assistance. But that's turned out not to be true, as she can spend almost the equivalent amount on a single unnecessarily extravagant night out, and not bother to chase a friend for lent money.

you were very restrained, and i have been (very recently) in that same situation. at some point they really do need to grow up and realise that their income is theirs to budget for essentials first and then luxuries, it is not ok to spend mums money on essentials then in the next breath talk about spending large sums of money on luxuries, especially when you know mum is likely to be going without (and at that age you would have to be wilfully blind to it to not notice your familys financial situation). i do hope you will be expecting your student children to 'pull their weight' when they are home over christmas and not to just be living the high life at the expense of your time and money, helping you with dinner preps and housework is something they ought to be doing

Well done on the restraint, OP. I would normally agree with people who say that when you give money, it becomes the other person's to do what stupidity they like with, but in the circumstances - that you are now cutting back on your life, and that the gift, if I understand right, was specifically to go towards next year's accommodation deposit? - I think you should talk to her, and make the situation clear.

I'm slightly aghast at this, because I was the first university-goer in my family - granted this was back in the days of grants -- but it was understood I had left home the second I headed off to university (a large number of younger siblings, and really no space or parental cash for me to retreat home in the holidays/after Finals on any but the most temporary sleeping on the sofa way) and I knew perfectly well that my parents were poor, and I was on my own financially. I had three part-time jobs, and won scholarships and bursaries. My parents would have beggared themselves if I had let them see I needed money, so I never did.

That didn't make me a martyr, it made me more or less typical of the poorer offspring of parents with minimum wage jobs who were starting to go to university in larger numbers. Doesn't your daughter grasp your financial circumstances? I honestly can't remember a time when I wasn't very aware of how precarious things were.

I too have a DD at uni. I am horrified that the ops DD has asked for money whilst buying expensive tickets to go out.

There would be a serious talking to if that happened here.

And no she doesn't need to go out on NYE. It is not essential.

want2b most expensive night out for my DD was over £150!!!

headofthehive £150!!!! OMG that is an awful lot to spend on one night out. I say this as someone who was raised by wealthy parents who refused to support me through university. It was the best thing to happen to me. DH comes from a humble background and didn't go to university until I pushed him into doing an MBA at a well respected red brick. This year our jobs plus business will earn us more than $700k. It's an obscene amount to earn and we are extremely fortunate. However, with earning this kind of money DH and I still can't spend this sort of money on a night out.

YANBU

Tbh your DD did have the money for the deposit if you include the £80 and the £40 she lent her friend but she didn't see that she should use her money for it and miss out on a treat. She saw it as your job to provide some more money to cover the shortfall so she could keep her money for something nicer.

I would ask for the money back - my DM certainly would have if I'd done the same.

The thing is that if she wasn't spending 80 quid on a night out she would have only needed 20 quid from you. So though she hasn't asked for money for a night out, that is kind of what you've given her.

Hmm
I would be annoyed but I would have just said 'well if you are buying one of those tickets don't you ask me for any more rent money you cheeky madam' and that woukd be the end of that.

Just don't go to bed on an argument/misunderstanding. It isn't worth it.

livetotellthetale I understand exactly how you feel, we help out both Ds's whenever we can (both in Uni) but it does drive me up the wall when one or other just 'pops' into town cos they need new jeans, or needs to go off for the weekend to see a band, or gets a taxi cos 'its raining mum!' yup sometimes feel like saying that you are obviously better off than me so I'll keep my money, but I don't want them to get into any debt that they can't manage. They jut clearly have different priorities to me on their spends.

< looks back on own uni life pooling money to buy a kit kat as a treat>

But you're her mom you are meant to help her financially. That's what parents do. I'm confused 😬

Yes want it is a lot of money for one night out. It was a lovely all night ball. However she knew to budget for this and that meant few if any nights out this term. A choice she was happy to make.

My point is that she budgeted for it and she wasn't asking me for the money.