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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel annoyed when DP & DSD go out without us

64 replies

loveverona · 25/11/2015 13:56

So there's me, DP, my 3DCs and his DD (with is 50%). He's fabulous with mine and we are great together. His DD is quiet do you never really know what she thinks but then again gives us no hassle really. Sometimes he wants to go out with his DD (13yr) on their own and it makes me feel annoyed. I guess it reinforces to me that we are actually 2 families under one roof. Or is it just pure jealousy? Anyone in a similar situation??

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 25/11/2015 13:58

Um you sound very immature and petty.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/11/2015 13:58

Yabu.

Pico2 · 25/11/2015 14:00

Why don't you take your children out somewhere else at the same time?

firesidechat · 25/11/2015 14:03

No I'm not in the same situation, but I think it is very important that your dp and his daughter get some time together without others around. From the "sometimes" I assume that he isn't doing this constantly and no one should feel excluded. He sounds like a sensible and caring father to me.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 25/11/2015 14:03

His dd is entitled to time just with her dad. As much as she may like you and your dc, you are not her family - why would she want to spend all her time with you?

BathtimeFunkster · 25/11/2015 14:04

This teenager didn't miraculously become your child and gain 3 unrelated siblings just because her Dad has a live-in partner.

Of course she wants to do things with her Dad on her own sometimes.

You are not "one family", you are family made up two different families.

You'll have a much happier time if you recognise that rather than try to force everyone to pretend it is not the case.

BollocksToThat1 · 25/11/2015 14:04

You are jealous of your dhs relationship with his teenage dd?

Wow op. Don't you think regular non blended families do this too? Would you be jealous if your dh took one of your kids out without the other or is it just his step dd you object to.

You are being ridiculous.

KeepOnMoving1 · 25/11/2015 14:06

Yabu, I think its great that he is making time to have that bond with her. Think about it from her point of view, that other children have time with her dad always. Its good that he does this.
You can do other things with your kids during this time.

Leelu6 · 25/11/2015 14:09

At least you have recognised that it could be jealousy.

Please bear in mind that that you have 3 children, and your DP has 1. They are quite outnumbered!

I don't mean this in a nasty way, but it's strange that the best thing you can say about your DD is that she doesn't you give you any hassle.

Maybe you should spend some time with her one to one so that she can get to know you?

Alisvolatpropiis · 25/11/2015 14:11

Yabvu.

And immature.

You are two families under one roof.

wowis · 25/11/2015 14:14

I have two step daughters we generally do stuff together but as mine go to their dads when his come often it will be me dp and his girls. I would have no issue with that to be honest. Different dynamics are part of a family and it's important for both of them to have some time together rasther than all be joined at the hip. If his daughter is quieter and only one as opposed to your three, it might be nice to have some one on one time with dad.
Just like if you took one of yours shopping for some shoes whilst your dp stayed with the others...its one on one time with that child but not reinforcing two separate families then is it?

Lozza1990 · 25/11/2015 14:15

It's unreasonable to suggest that you should do everything as a 'family'. My dad was like this with his girlfriend and daughter, we had to do everything as a 'family'. I was 13 when I moved in and I absolutely hated it. It's good for them to still do things together.

Maybe it is jealousy, bear in mind that you only have her to accept and get use to. She has you plus 3 other kids, it can't be easy for her.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 25/11/2015 14:18

She's 13 and only sees her dad 50% of the time, whereas he lives with your DC all the time and isn't even their parent. OF COURSE she wants time without you, and I'm very glad her dad is more sensible and doesn't force her to spend all her time with him with her step-siblings as well.

MrsCampbellBlack · 25/11/2015 14:19

YABU

We have three children and DH and I spend time with each one individually. Surely you do the same with your own 3 children.

I don't think it is a step-family issue - it is just what happens surely in most families.

Whaleshark · 25/11/2015 14:22

I'm afraid YABU. It is good for children to have one one one time with their parents. Do you not do anything individually with your three?

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 25/11/2015 14:22

Sometimes my DH and DS want to go out without me. I don't give it a second thought.

Sometimes me and DS want to go and do something together, I doubt it bothers my DH.

Sometimes me and DH want some time alone without DS, DS is fine with that.

I'm really missing what your problem is? Are you suggesting that because you're a blended family you should all spend every minute together? Do you never do anything with just one of your DC's and not the others? Confused

Seeyounearertime · 25/11/2015 14:23

There's me, my GF and our DD.
GF has 2 boys, 13&10 that live with their dad.

I'm a SAHD whilst my GF works. I do my absolute best to stand aside and let my GF spend time with not only our DD but with her DSs too. I have no problem with this and think it's vital for her kids to realise that she is their mum and that they can have her to themselves without me around. Etc.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 25/11/2015 14:25

I'm one of three daughters and my dad would take each of us out on our own. Can't recall my mum seething with jealousy at any point.
You should be pleased that your DP is being a considerate father.

GruntledOne · 25/11/2015 14:27

My DH regularly takes one of our children out on their own, as do I. It's a great opportunity just to build the relationship, talk to them, find out anything that's bothering them, what they want to do with their lives, etc etc - generally just to give each of them some "me time". I would think your SDD needs this more than ever given that she's only with her Dad part time and that when she comes to your house she's competing for attention with your three.

LeaLeander · 25/11/2015 14:27

When you choose to get involved with a person who has children from previous relationships, you automatically must accept that those children are his/her priority No. 1. And if you choose to go on and bear the children of someone who has existing kids, you need to accept that the prior relationship sometimes will still take precedence. Over you, and over the subsequent kids.

And on a more practical level - it's silly to think that a parent can't have one-on-one time with one of his own children. Would you be upset and annoyed if he took one of your younger children out on an outing alone, or is it just because she has a different mother?

4China · 25/11/2015 14:29

Yes you are being V V V unreasonable.

You are not her family, he is. She's probably quiet because she's very much the 'outsider' in your blended family as she only lives with you half the time. Sounds like she's also gone from being an 'only' to being in a house of 4 children which can be hard work for more introverted/quiet children.

I think it's sad that you feel insecure about him and her having a relationship which is absolutely nothing to do with you. I think it speaks far more about your relationship with him than anything else. Just leave them be - it's very healthy and normal for dad and daughter to spend time together without his partner or his partner's children.

ShesAStar · 25/11/2015 14:29

My Dad used to take just me out and we were not a blended family. It's lovely to have alone time with a parent when your growing up. You could make the time he spends with his DD a special time with your DC.

LisaD1 · 25/11/2015 14:31

I think this is normal even for non step children. I have 2 DD's, one is my DH's the other is my Ex h. She sees Ex H every other weekend and some holidays and is with us the rest of the time. She sometimes wants time alone with my DH, he has been her father figure for the last 12 years, why wouldn't she? likewise our 8 year old wants time alone with her dad, sometimes I like time alone with each of the girls, it's how you keep those bonds together imo, it isn't an insult to the rest of the family unit, sometimes it's nice to have 1:1 attention from a loved one. I am 43 years old and sometimes I deliberately visit my parents when I know my siblings can't.

Djelibeyb · 25/11/2015 14:36

YABU. This is normal for all kids. Both me and DH take it in turns to take just one of the kids (we have 3) out on our own. It's good for them to have one on one time with a parent and they love it, even if you do super dull things. DS for instance HATES going shopping UNLESS he is being mummy/daddy's "special helper" and it is one on one time. THEN he is helpful and well behaved... go figure.

LadyColinCampbell · 25/11/2015 14:38

YABU. His DD has had to deal with her parents splitting up and her dad making another family, I wouldn't blame her for feeling replaced or jealous but unfortunately OP you are an adult and should be pleased that your DP cares enough about his DD to show her that she is still important to him by spending time together alone. If you try to take her dad away from her and force her to be part of your family when you are really nothing to do with her then you would be so massively U and I wouldn't be surprised if DP split up with you over it.