to feel annoyed when DP & DSD go out without us

[loveverona]

So there's me, DP, my 3DCs and his DD (with is 50%). He's fabulous with mine and we are great together. His DD is quiet do you never really know what she thinks but then again gives us no hassle really. Sometimes he wants to go out with his DD (13yr) on their own and it makes me feel annoyed. I guess it reinforces to me that we are actually 2 families under one roof. Or is it just pure jealousy? Anyone in a similar situation??

Thank you very much for your comments, everyone. I know iabu, but needed to hear it 'in my face'! Don't get me wrong, this isn't something I voice, it's just in my head sometimes so I need to deal with it. When I said DSD doesn't give us any hassle, I meant in the context that mine are quite outspoken and can be difficult (normal kid behaviour) which sometimes makes me feel guilty/responsible for how that affects DP and DSD. And yes of course, I do things with my 3, together and individually when possible, but I suppose I sometimes I feel they might be going out without us to 'get away'. That's an insecurity I need to deal with, I know. I just want everyone to be happy - we've all been through a lot. But guess I'm trying too hard and not necessarily in the right way...

Am I being U?

Yes

OK, I am.

I think you are in a difficult situation loveverona but you've definitely got the right attitude. Good luck

Great loveverona for realising that they aren't doing anything wrong.
It might be that they do need to 'get away' and that's ok too.
She's a quiet girl, and the other kids are quite outspoken so her dad has probably noticed this and wants to give her some space, which is a great thing!

YABU.

I take my DDs out, DH takes his DS out. Big age gaps mean its hard to find things all 3 want to do. We go swimming all together once a month and have separate outings once a month.

I doubt 13YO DSS would want to see Minions at the cinema, likewise DDs wouldnt want to see X Men. (Although I would much prefer to see X Men I hate those bastard yellow things )

DS is always moaning that he doesn't get to spend enough time on his own with his dad, without dads new girlfriend being there.

He doesn't dislike her. He doesn't dislike her DC.

He just wants some time on his own with his dad.

Hope this helps.

Doe she do things with his DD that he wouldn't do with your children? Is there something about what or when he does this that bothers you rather than just the act of alone time? Does it make your children feel that he gives her special treatment? Although I agree it can initially seem YABU, I also understand that there is often a bit more to it that you maybe can't put your finger on. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's not easy blending families and existing relationships. I know, I am currently failing miserably at it!

I would just relax, op. It can take real time for "blended" (such a stupid term imo) families to really come together but it will be worth it!

Thank you so much, that has really helped. I'm not a bad person but am trying to adjust to a sometimes challenging situation, taking into account not only my own children's feelings (they see their father every other weekend) but also DP's, his DD (who I don't really have much of a relationship with, understandably I suppose) and lastly, mine. So sorry if I come across as 'immature', but we all deal with different issues in different ways.

loveverona I think you needed to post in step-parents. I absolutely get where you're coming from. I was/am a SM but they've grown up now with their own families, and they didn't live with us. I always had a tense r/ship with SD and YES I felt jealous when DP took her off on his own and brought her treats. MY kids are boys and I was ok with SS but SD was the only girl and her dad spoiled her rotten which used to annoy me.

I don't think it's a case of whether you're being reasonable to not, you are expressing a feeling and we can't get into the rights and wrongs of feelings, neither can we turn them on and off.

I don't understand why so many people don't seem to understand this, as it's a central part of personality theory.

I'm aware that when you post on here it can be brutally honest, so thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

OP, I don't think YABU because it's hard blending families. I think if you put yourself in DSD's shoes and think about how you would have felt as a child if you could never, ever get one of your parents alone then you'd understand a little better. How about if your partner never allowed you to have one to one time with your DC? It's healthy to get time with your parents with no outside distractions and is something I know that I, as a child and young adult, took for granted.

Sometimes just hanging out with a parent at that age helps to head off any teen dramas, because you're talking about things and communicating (even if you're sitting quietly).

Don't look at it as them 'abandoning' you or attempting to get away from you and yours - see it as an entitlement from their perspective, in just the same way that you're entitled to do the same with your children. Change the way you think of it.

And it doesn't mean that DSD doesn't like you! It's just natural for her to want some time with her dad without other distractions.

Good luck!

Thank you so much!

I know it's been resolved but this has really upset me - I was the step daughter in this.
My parents split before I can remember and my Dad met a woman with 2 older children and went on to have another child with his new wife. I always hated going there because I was told it was my home, but it didn't feel like it at all, I didn't even have a bed! Just a sleeping bag on the floor every other weekend.
Anyway I always hated going and I suppose they did, and still do, find me very quiet, actually I'm the opposite, I'm very witty and funny in general but even now as an adult if I visit I feel myself retreating and I would never go there now without the support of my husband.

Anyway, by the time I was 9 or so, I'd managed to 'prove' to my Mum how much I hated being there and I wasn't made to go every weekend. With the help of my aunt I wrote a letter to my Dad saying that I didn't want the whole 'family' thing I just wanted to see him. He rang me when he got the letter telling me that it would be unfair on his other biological child (that he lived with) because he had to see them too. Basically he couldn't spare a couple of hours once a month to see me, if I wasn't willing to see them as a family.

I now have a very 'cold' relationship with me father and he still tries to play happy families. Since my teenage years I have seen him once, maybe twice, a year. I think I will eventually go nc, but I'm very close to my paternal grandmother and I don't want to upset her so I do the bare minimum.

I find it very difficult, because he has always been such a good, involved father to his other child (and even step children). Just not me.

My dads wife to go crazy if me and my dad did anything together. Was really difficult for both of us to the point that we used to go out in secret. I've still not forgiven him for the way he used to let her treat me.

Well done for totally accepting that yabu.

Why don't you use the time to do something 1:1 where possible for your kids or get some help with family or friends so you can.

Or better still get a sitter and use the time to drink gin in the bath

YABU. I think I'd be like him if I met someone with a child and I already have my own children. I would want to make sure I get quality time with them without that person or their children always having to be there too. I think it's important to get that time together.

...use the time to drink gin in the bath

Stepmum's mantra, that one!!

SoundFury, that's so sad. Particularly as he had the rest of the time to spend with his "other" child.

My bf had a similar thing, despite being over 18 when her dad left for the OW. OW was particularly strange, and to this day (30 years on) will not let him speak on the phone to any of his children unless she is in the room to listen in. Father/kids relationship is very weak, and only limps on because my friend and her siblings are too nice make the effort.

Tbh I'm not sure whether this is a right or wrong.

I absolutely can see the value in your dsd's dad spending time with her one to one, my xh and ds do things together a lot and I know that my ds appreciates the time he gets to spend with just his dad.

But I do think that your own reactions might possibly be fuelled by the relationship you have with your dsd. It's very easy to say that she's obviously not your child and that a step parent doesn't have that kind of relationship with their dsc, but reality is that if you live with someone for a large amount of the time then it is preferable that all parties do where possible have a good relationship. Otherwise you will get the them-and-us type feelings that you're talking about here, where you say that you are two families living under the same roof. that is not ideal either.

So, how is your relationship with dsd op? Is it possible that the relationship you have (or don't have) with your dsd is partly responsible for the way you feel about the time she spends with your dp?

Soundfury I'm so sad to hear that, and appreciate that must feel extremely hard for you to deal with. I must emphasise in our case I never stop them doing anything together; the feelings are in my head only and for me to deal with. DSD has her own room and that's her private space. We make a lot of effort to make sure she is included and doesn't feel left out, but I can appreciate she probably doesn't feel that this is home. I don't know what else I can do to help that really other than to step back and give her space. We won't be having any more DCs so that's a little easier I suppose. And I think what you say about being/not being quiet is very true - I'm certain DSD is quite different here than when with friends etc. Thank you for posting - it's very interesting to hear from your side of things.

Very possibly wannaBe and I hadn't thought of that. DSD doesn't dislike me I don't think, but there isn't much else to speak of. She will chat to me if I make the effort (could well be an age thing) but there's no a affection there. Perhaps I'm expecting too much but it's hard for me to know how to be with her. Sometimes she feels like a lodger which is an awful thing to say, but that's how it feels at times. That said, most of the time she seems quite happy and relaxed.

How old are your children?

Do you ever spend any time one on one with her?

I'm wondering if the answer might be some one on one time for you and dsd? Doesn't need to be anything too heavy duty but might it help to cultivate some shared interests?

Of course the situation might just need time too. I don't think you've mentioned how long you've been living together? But it's a big change for everyone, including you.

In the meantime, make sure dsd knows you support and encourage her relationship with her dad.