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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

really need opinions thank you

71 replies

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/11/2015 10:27

My dd is coming up 11. Since summer we've been having issues with her having episodes of feeling ill, too ill to go to school, summer club etc on many occasions however she's never been unwell when something she wants to do is going on. Coincidence maybe?
Anyway she's had about four absences since September alone due to her kicking off crying insisting she's ill etc and me being utterly unable to do anything about it as dh starts work early.

Anyway I spoke to the school last time she was kicking off claiming to be ill sat outside the school refusing to leave the car. A teacher came out and got her they went into school and had a chat, found there were no problems and came up with a plan to ensure DD is happy to go in.
Anyway yesterday I could tell she was angling for the day off mentioning non specific complaints tummy ache a wet ear etc but well enough to look around the shops with me. She pulled the same stunt this morning. I'm having my hair done today and have no other time I can get it done and she knew this. So I had to drive to the other side of town to leave her with her gran for the day.
In light of this bad behaviour that I just cannot seem to break wibu and really cruel to cancel her party on Friday?

OP posts:
Seeline · 16/11/2015 10:33

My rule is unless they have a temperature or have been sick or have a body part hanging off they go to school.
If these criteria have been met and they have time of school, they spend the day at home, either in bed or on the sofa watching TV - nothing else. They certainly do not do any after school activities until they are back at school, and have early nights until they are better.

Have you taken her to the GP to check there is nothing physically wrong - given the number of incidents, I think this would be a wise move Wink

I'm not sure cancelling her party is the right response - unless she is 'ill' again on Friday, then obviously she couldn't have a party.

CarpeJugulum · 16/11/2015 10:40

I tried this with my mum... Blush

I was put to bed. Dark room. No entertainment at all - books/TV etc taken away. I got so bored. Hard if you have to drop her off elsewhere but maybe worth a try next time?

sliceofsoup · 16/11/2015 10:42

Anyway I spoke to the school last time she was kicking off claiming to be ill sat outside the school refusing to leave the car. A teacher came out and got her they went into school and had a chat, found there were no problems and came up with a plan to ensure DD is happy to go in.

Unless you know that she is actually ill, then I think the above is the correct way to handle it every time. Taking her to her grans or keeping her at home is only reinforcing that if she complains enough she can get her own way and get a day off.

I remember a family member having to bribe her son to go to school with new toys. Shock There was nothing wrong with him, he just wanted to stay at home and play with his toys.

I don't think you should cancel her party, but I do think you need to be firmer with her in order to break this behaviour. I don't really know why she is at her grans today and not in school?

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/11/2015 10:45

Because I was running late and could not get hold of a teacher the bell had already gone and I was at my utter wits end. I've also got a medical appointment later and my day is jam packed

OP posts:
Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/11/2015 10:47

Been to the gp who agreed she seems perfectly healthy and well but said if the tummy aches continue they need to think about blood tests. As you can imagine this went down like the proverbial lead balloon and her behaviour around being 'ill' soon bucked up

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 16/11/2015 10:48

Dd has made an attempt at this in the last few weeks. She did try it in a few years ago as well.

After a few mornings of cajoling her into going to school, I sent her back to bed. No tv, no phone etc. I work from home so it didn't put me out much.

She went back to school the next and hasn't done it since.

If she is off sick she can come down in the evening but has to have an early night and doesn't go to her hobby. If it's a Friday I would cancel any weekend activities as well and tell her it so she can rest.

AliceInUnderpants · 16/11/2015 10:49

Please remember that even if nothing is 'wrong' and she is just school refusing, she is doing it for a reason, and therefore something is wrong. Anxiety can manifest as tummy aches. I have a DC who regularly is 'ill' because of anxiety. She tries to get out of school every day.

I suggest a meeting with school management to discuss how to go forward.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 16/11/2015 10:50

Personally I would cancel the party, sometimes soft approaches just don't work.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/11/2015 10:52

You can't punish her for your softness in dealing with this. She's just trying it on, you're the one giving her days off.

Certainly do try to get to the bottom of her concerns and address what's really bothering her. But do continue to take her to school and work with the teachers.

That sounds harsh and I understand it must be really frustrating but lashing out about the party is not the answer.

SaucyJack · 16/11/2015 10:55

If you're sure she's not ill or being bullied, then you're going to have to just woman up and take her in yourself. That's all there is to it really. It's not OK to give her the day off of school because you don't want to have to tackle your own child's behaviour.

I wouldn't cancel her party though if it's for school friends. That won't help her want to go in on Monday.

TurnWifiOn · 16/11/2015 10:58

I wouldn't cancel her party unless she is off school on Friday.

To be honest I would be worried that something at school is making her unhappy, is she being left out or fallen out with someone recently?

Also is puberty kicking in and making her feel "a bit off" at certain times?

fredericofoofoo · 16/11/2015 10:59

As PP said, when my DD tried it on she would be made to stop in bed all day, no TV, phone etc. My reasoning with her was that if you are ill, the best place to be is in bed asleep and that she would be without her tv/phone at school so it should make no difference. I'm fortunate that I work from home so it did not impact on my life.

Once I started this rule, it only occurred twice in 4 years.

TurnWifiOn · 16/11/2015 10:59

Today if she has shown signs of an illness developing then suggest she goes into school after lunch? Can her Gran take her in?

Sevendayweek · 16/11/2015 11:00

Alice may have a point I think. However, to clarify the situation for both of you, yy to a very boring day if she is at home ill: mine got : in bed, books or audio no devices or tv. If 'better' enough for tv later, that means better enough for school tomorrow.

If you are clear and consistent this may also help your daughter sort her own feelings out more clearly, which will enable you to help her if she is having issues at school. At the moment she has a kind of 'half solution', but she probably needs it tackling more explicitly. If it is something she can work through herself on the other hand she'll be more motivated to do so if missing school is unrewarding.

ALaughAMinute · 16/11/2015 11:00

It sounds as if your daughter might be suffering with stress so perhaps there is something she's not telling you?

If the doctor can't find a physical explanation, I think you should have a chat with her to find out what is upsetting her and why she doesn't want to go to school.

I don't think you should cancel her party. Given that she seems to be stressed a party might do her some good.

DoreenLethal · 16/11/2015 11:04

Bullying?

Cel982 · 16/11/2015 11:06

Don't cancel her party. Find out why she's refusing to go to school - there will be a reason. Then address it, in collaboration with her teacher/doctor/counsellor if necessary.

CoralieConfused · 16/11/2015 11:15

I began to be a school refuser a couple of years later than your DD - 13ish. My poor mum, she was nearly driven mad by it - I would make myself sick, simply not respond to any cajoling or anger, I convinced myself I really was ill, and she gave in, partly because I was a good liar partly because she just didn't know what to do. Sad In my case it was severe anxiety, not really based on any one factor. I'm ok now, but just thinking back to it makes me feel massively on edge and guilty.

I don't think you should cancel her party, but this really needs to be tackled (obv). My stuff went on for years, it doesn't need to for you.

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/11/2015 11:15

I don't WANT to deal with it and make her go in?
That's crap. I've took her to the doctors spoke to school, had to DEMAND they help me with some plan of action, asked husband to help only to be told he can't as he needs to start work at a certain time or he will lose money and we will lose our home. Short of dragging her out the car by her arm and being told I'm abusing her I'm utterly stuck

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheep · 16/11/2015 11:20

You do seem overly concerned about how it would look - I would have got her out of the car - I couldn't give a stuff

Is there a concern about being accused of abuse for some reason

She's running rings round you at 11 - stop it now

You have checked that things at school are fine - she's just being stubbon

Fieryfighter · 16/11/2015 11:24

If I think mine are trying it on I pack them off to school saying that if they're poorly the school will call me. It's NEVER happened as once they get there with their mates they forget all about it.

I'm definitely of the 'unless they're visibly ill' school

IndridCold · 16/11/2015 11:24

I would raise it with her and make it absolutely clear that any illness between now and Friday and the party is off. If she is genuinely feeling ill then you should cancel anyway, and if she is pretending then it will give her an incentive not to. Do not cancel it otherwise.

It does sound like a talk is needed about why she keeps wanting to miss school though.

HazelBite · 16/11/2015 11:31

How about you being too "ill" to sort out or organise her party on Friday?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 16/11/2015 11:37

I'm sorry you're going through this with your DD
I definitely wouldn't think of canceling her party though
I think you have to try to find out what is behind the behaviour, maybe with support from school and/or GP?
We've only ever had slight reluctance about school attendance -such as at the end of the hols - and which has been helped by talking with them about seeing their friends again.
The party may give added opportunities to talk about and strengthen friendships?

OldGreyCat · 16/11/2015 11:39

My ds is 11.
He suffers from anxiety and he has also been bullied. He also has SEN.
But, he still has to go to school.
Today, I have been up since 7 and I have just got him in.
I cant 'force' him out of bed, into clothes and down the road. He is 5ft5!
But, he knows he WILL go in.
If he is really unable to, due to illness / anxiety / bullying / SEN exhaustion, then it is curtains closed and in bed. He is allowed a book/storytape in the afternoon. Early night. If he is 'too ill or too tired' to go in he basically stays in bed (bored stupid) until he is rested.

OP, it IS tough. I have had 6 years of this. Little school support. You have my sympathies. Try to find out WHY she doesnt want in. See if you can get school on side. If she has to be off then she should be in bed with little stimulation so if it is 'laziness' then she'll get bored of it quickly - if it is something else then it might become apparant?

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