Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

really need opinions thank you

71 replies

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/11/2015 10:27

My dd is coming up 11. Since summer we've been having issues with her having episodes of feeling ill, too ill to go to school, summer club etc on many occasions however she's never been unwell when something she wants to do is going on. Coincidence maybe?
Anyway she's had about four absences since September alone due to her kicking off crying insisting she's ill etc and me being utterly unable to do anything about it as dh starts work early.

Anyway I spoke to the school last time she was kicking off claiming to be ill sat outside the school refusing to leave the car. A teacher came out and got her they went into school and had a chat, found there were no problems and came up with a plan to ensure DD is happy to go in.
Anyway yesterday I could tell she was angling for the day off mentioning non specific complaints tummy ache a wet ear etc but well enough to look around the shops with me. She pulled the same stunt this morning. I'm having my hair done today and have no other time I can get it done and she knew this. So I had to drive to the other side of town to leave her with her gran for the day.
In light of this bad behaviour that I just cannot seem to break wibu and really cruel to cancel her party on Friday?

OP posts:
sparechange · 16/11/2015 11:40

PPs saying 'there must be a reason she doesn't want to go to school'... The reason is quite possibly because the alternative is a day going shopping with the OP, or having classes which aren't her favourite subject.

I loved school but if there was a no-consequences option for not going in of the days when we had physics and double Maths, AND I got a bonus trip around the shops, I'd have bitten your hand off.

Being at home is more fun than being at school on days when there isn't a special event, so she is choosing that option, surely?

Duckdeamon · 16/11/2015 11:43

I heard an interesting radio 4 or 5?programme the other day about school refusual often being treated by schools / parents as a discipline issue rather than a mental health one - an expert woman being interviewed suggested that in a lot more cases than is recognised MH is a key factor. She suggested some things for parents, eg involving welfare / attendance people in the council and seeking health professionals' help.

ghostyslovesheep · 16/11/2015 11:44

her kicking off crying insisting she's ill etc and me being utterly unable to do anything about it as dh starts work

I honestly think the issue is right there - you have handed her the power and you made yourself powerless - you are the parent - learn to deal with her

I am not unsympathetic - I have a child with VERY challenging behaviour and another with anxiety - I am a lone parent with a job and no family close by - they HAVE to go to school

I have a zero tolerance of lead swinging - they have learnt not to do it - I always send them in and tell them to go to the office if still ill - they don't

They always seem ill on Monday - when I work from home Hmm

Unless they have a temp or have been sick and I have seen it (yes DD1 I am looking at YOU and your home made sick that you used to try) they go in

PittacusLore · 16/11/2015 11:44

I agree that making the day at home boring is the best option if you think she is swinging the lead. ds (10) was doing this earlier in the year and I told him that as he didn't have a temperature, rash or obvious wound, he would be homeschooled that day. I gave him a timetable of all the things he struggles with educationally (writing mostly) and that's what we did. He hasn't had a day off since.

However, please don't underestimate school anxiety. I was a persistant non-attender at secondary school (I loved Primary) and left without any qualifications as I just hated it, but couldn't ever have put my finger on why. Threats and punishments didn't work and in the end everyone seemed to just leave me to it. My overriding memory of that time is that I was just desperately unhappy, I'm sure my parents tried to find out why, but I didn't know, and so couldn't tell them. The minute I went to FE College at 16 things changed and I worked hard and did well. I can only think now that I might have done/felt better in a different school. But it was the 80's and people didn't move schools then so much.

As a result I am completely on the ball regarding my children's happiness in school. It is the most important thing. If they're not happy, they won't learn, and it's the school's job to make them happy and settled while they're there.

Good luck.

ghostyslovesheep · 16/11/2015 11:46

Yes I doubt very much it's anything more than 'mums a push over and I want to watch TV all day' - OP has explored other issues with school and the GP and (I hope) her daughter - it's chancing it

sliceofsoup · 16/11/2015 11:51

Because I was running late and could not get hold of a teacher the bell had already gone and I was at my utter wits end. I've also got a medical appointment later and my day is jam packed

And how much later did driving her to her grans make you? Confused

You park the car, you get out, you tell her in no uncertain terms to get out and you walk her into school.

This isn't entirely the schools problem to sort, your husband can't help, so it falls to you.

Janeymoo50 · 16/11/2015 11:55

Goodness, there are some harsh responses here. There's a problem here and I'm not sure it is illness at all. OP, can you double check perhaps the days she had off recently and cross ref them with her school diary/timetable, perhaps there is a connection? It might not be anything more than a particular lesson or teacher that scares her or she is feeling unconfident about, a particular sports at PE that day, something that happened/happens on those days (that is maybe the link). Please don't cancel her party, she's 11, if she is otherwise a good, well behaved child then I'd suggest the way forward is to determine the "problem" as opposed to making her more unhappy.
Good luck OP.

reni2 · 16/11/2015 11:55

Agree with pps if she is too ill to go in, she should either do revision with you at home or be in bed. Get some revision books and dark curtains for her bedroom.

No tv, tablet, phone or books of course. If she is genuinely ill she will benefit from being in bed or just at home working. If she is not ill, she will soon go back to school.

ouryve · 16/11/2015 12:02

My rule is the same as seeline's.

If ill, I need evidence eg some sort of leaked bodily fluid, a fever, pastiness (both the boys go quite green when they have a migraine) or a night spent awake coughing.

DS1's been trying it on a bit lately, including not eating his breakfast. The one day he had off, purely because he'd been up all night and I know he'd been constipated and had a tummy ache, he was right as rain by 10am, after a few farts.

You need to find out what's bothering your DD, though. It's highly likely that something's up with school that's making her reluctant to go in.

Headmelt · 16/11/2015 12:05

Is there a pattern - certain days every week/a certain class or teacher?
I thought it could anxiety about;
Bullying
Doesn't like the Teacher
Struggling with a specific subject
Not having homework done or finished

Having a crush on someone?

ouryve · 16/11/2015 12:06

And by finding out what's up at school, I mean you need to dig deep. And talk to her. Is she being bullied, or feeling left out of things? Is she struggling with work, but being given the brush off?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 16/11/2015 12:06

My dad same age tries to pull this trick sometimes, I'm just strict and make ger go. Last week, she got sent home from school feeling sick. We'd all had a sick bug so I just presumed it was her turn. She was fine once home. I sent her to her room with only books to read. She was saying she felt okay and wanted o go back to school within an hour, so was at it. I don't think she will be doing it again, she was so bored.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 16/11/2015 12:08

Sorry posted to soon, I wouldn't cancel the party but would get stricter with the 'illnesses'. I'd of cancelled the hairdressers and shed of been in her room all day. Not at granny's where she's probably being spoiled.

Peanuts2000 · 16/11/2015 12:15

Agree with others that if she is definitely not ill or issues in the school with other kids, struggling with the work etc, then you may need to get tough. My six year old has tried this a few times, there were issues with other kids when he started school which I dealt with and have settled down. When my daughter is off sick he wants to stay off too. Last time, I didn't let him play any games or watch TV, he went back the next day. Think sometimes he is a bit lazy and can't be bothered, he said the work is too hard, he is primary 2! The teachers say his work is fine and he does his homework well.

Tootsiepops · 16/11/2015 12:15

I'm having my hair done today and have no other time I can get it done and she knew this. So I had to drive to the other side of town to leave her with her gran for the day

Surely you'd cancel your hair appt in favour of making sure your daughter went to school?

reni2 · 16/11/2015 12:22

But bed (minus entertainment) or Collins Workbooks home ed will tell you what's wrong.

Bed works = she was ill
Home ed works = anxiety/ bullying/ sth wrong at school
Neither works = she was putting it on to watch tv

And if it turns out she is putting it on, by all means cancel the party so she can "recuperate".

GruntledOne · 16/11/2015 12:35

Have you sat down with her and had a non-confrontational conversation with her about why this is happening and what is worrying her? I really wouldn't take either the GP's or the school's assessment that there are no problems as the last word. I doubt that the GP knows her that well, and children notoriously don't talk about their school problems to teachers.

ALaughAMinute · 16/11/2015 12:57

She might be hormonal. Has she started her periods yet? Just a thought.

Witchend · 16/11/2015 12:58

It's difficult because I have the rule of "evidence" before I keep them off.
That's usually D&V or temperature. (Limb hanging off doesn't count as dd2's is usually hanging off the side of her bed)

But my dc have totally different situations.

Dd1 never misses a day. Hasn't missed one since year 3 and she's in year 10 now. She will choose to go in rather than stay at home, she had toothache last year and still insisted on going in despite feeling terrible.

Dd2 gets migraines and has had a permanent tummy ache for now 15 months. The Dr can't find a cause, but says it is genuinely there. It may be linked to her anxiety, maybe not. I tend to, unless it's acute, send her in and the school will send her home if it's too bad late. She does have acute attacks when she can't go in, but the rest of the time she needs to continue otherwise she'll have 3 days off every week.

Ds is a little different in that he's got ear problems. Everything goes to his ears. He also, when an ear infection is coming, tends to not hear, get very oversensitive and generally be a pain at school. So I do have to be careful sending him in when not quite well.
For me there is a very quick thing with him in that he gets a distinctive smell when he's brewing one. So I keep him off, make a Dr appointment for the afternoon, and by lunch his temperature will be up, and he'll need antibiotics to stop his ear drum bursting by the next morning.

So I do behave differently. Dd2 I tend to send in, for two reasons, one being she's more likely to try it on, secondly she will go and say she's ill and the office know that she needs to come home. Ds will continue and just come out boiling and with a viral rash totally miserable.

If they're ill they also have to lie down in bed and no screens. Which tends to sort out any malingering.

emwithme · 16/11/2015 13:07

When I was younger, day off school meant either bed or sofa (but not watching my choice of TV), no fun toys, boring food, and off to school at break or lunch time if I'd perked up enough (ie if mum thought I was swinging the lead but wasn't quite sure if it was the start of poorliness causing it).

And if I didn't go to school, then I obviously wasn't well enough to play out after school/go to a friend's party/do Brownies or whatever.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/11/2015 13:11

I also mentioned I had a medical appointment which I need to attend.
I can't drag her to school I'm unwell at the moment and due a baby in 4 weeks so can hardly walk myself at the moment.

I just can't deal with her on my own at the minute. Trust me when this baby is out and my physical complain has resolved I will be pushing her in a pushchair if need be!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/11/2015 13:16

OP, if you're due a baby in 4 weeks, and the anxiety-illnesses have been going on "since the summer", perhaps she's not OK with the idea of a new sibling?
Has she been your only up til now?

ghostyslovesheep · 16/11/2015 13:17

Do you think she's worried about YOU OP? You are ill and Pg and maybe she doesn't want to leave you?

Also she's probably feeling all mixed up about the baby

Maybe reassure her you are okay and nothing is going to happen while she is at school?

PittacusLore · 16/11/2015 13:22

I apologise in advance for this post as it sounds really preachy, but I really don't mean it to be.

You didn't mention the pregnancy or your illness and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Could she be worried about you? Feeling a little pushed out? From your posts, it sounds like you maybe don't have the time for her that you might usually have. Could she picking up on this? 10 is still quite young.

Could you sit down and explain that you're still totally there for her etc.

I'm sure someone will come along and say all this in a better way.

Flowers for you - being 8mths pregnant is no fun.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 16/11/2015 13:31

I used to try and get off school all the time because I hated it. I was bullied, both primary and secondary, I would do anything I could to not have to go. It's tough, I hope you can all get to the bottom of this.