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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

really need opinions thank you

71 replies

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/11/2015 10:27

My dd is coming up 11. Since summer we've been having issues with her having episodes of feeling ill, too ill to go to school, summer club etc on many occasions however she's never been unwell when something she wants to do is going on. Coincidence maybe?
Anyway she's had about four absences since September alone due to her kicking off crying insisting she's ill etc and me being utterly unable to do anything about it as dh starts work early.

Anyway I spoke to the school last time she was kicking off claiming to be ill sat outside the school refusing to leave the car. A teacher came out and got her they went into school and had a chat, found there were no problems and came up with a plan to ensure DD is happy to go in.
Anyway yesterday I could tell she was angling for the day off mentioning non specific complaints tummy ache a wet ear etc but well enough to look around the shops with me. She pulled the same stunt this morning. I'm having my hair done today and have no other time I can get it done and she knew this. So I had to drive to the other side of town to leave her with her gran for the day.
In light of this bad behaviour that I just cannot seem to break wibu and really cruel to cancel her party on Friday?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 16/11/2015 13:31

Ah OK. You didn't say you were heavily pregnant.

I'd say there was a high chance that it was related to that then. She might just feel generally a bit insecure and unsettled due to the new sibling and this is how it's being expressed- or maybe she can smell your weakness at the mo and is exploiting it to skive off school.

Have you sat down with her and had a chat about it? Maybe once you've cleared the air and she's had a chance to say whatever it is she wants to she'll stop using awkwardness around school as a way to get attention?

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/11/2015 13:31

We've had all the talk about the baby and how she won't be pushed out. She's been as involved as she's wanted to so far but also allowed to step back from it all. We've reassured her as regards to me being ok just a bit under the weather at the minute and she knows the plans for when I have to go into hospital etc.
I'm at a loss

OP posts:
Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/11/2015 13:34

And no she's not really ok with having a new sibling but I don't know what I can do about that except giving her constant reassurance and praise just like I always have done. If anything she gets far more than her brother as he just gets on with it and tends to go under the radar

OP posts:
PittacusLore · 16/11/2015 13:40

she's not really ok with having a new sibling

I think that's the root of it right there.

I think you really have to make a fuss of her over the next few weeks while you can. Can you put a bit of time aside to do what she likes - painting nails, going to watch a film etc?

GruntledOne · 16/11/2015 13:58

OP, you haven't answered the query about whether you've sat down and talked to her about what is bothering her about school?

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/11/2015 14:28

Yes we've spoke at length about whether anything is bothering or upsetting her at school. So have her teachers especially the ones she has a good relationship with. She insists all is fine.
We spend plenty of time together just me and her and I've assured her I will endeavour to continue even when baby brother arrives

OP posts:
Seeline · 16/11/2015 14:43

Pittacus totally agree.

I would have thought a new baby arriving would often have quite an impact in the life of a 10yo. I'm surprised that you didn't mention the baby in the first place OP.

SaucyJack · 16/11/2015 14:46

If it's any consolation my oldest DD also had her nose put right out of joint when I was expecting DD3, but 20 months later they've long been each other's favourite people in the world. It's helped her mature a lot by having a "real" baby around.

She's about the same age as your DD I think? 11 in March.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 16/11/2015 15:11

Yes, agree it's so likely about new baby arriving.
It's a big thing for her too and maybe understandable she's finding ways to have more time and attention from Mum and Gran (though I know you said you give her lots of those things anyway OP)
Hopefully she will settle down more when DBaby arrives, at least after a bit.
SaucyJack is encouraging I think?
Either that or some issues at school

Unreasonablebetty · 16/11/2015 16:03

As PP have said are you sure she isn't being bullied at school? We had this problem last year turned out she had no one go play with at school.

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/11/2015 16:07

She's really popular at school. One morning I dropped her and waited, watched her walk to the playground and loads of her friends came running up to her hugging her like a celeb had arrived. She is most likely stressing over the unpredictability of having a new sib but I honestly dont know what else I can do to reassure her!!! Arghhh DS (aged 9) is so flipping straight forward in comparison!

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 17/11/2015 08:05

I'm sure things will settle down after baby is here sharon
Hope you're still going ahead with the party and she's been in school other days this week?

MillionToOneChances · 17/11/2015 08:11

well enough to look around the shops with me

Unless mine have fever or are post-D&V they don't even get tv, let alone a wander round the shops. If they're poorly enough to stay off school with something I can't evidence, they're poorly enough to stay in bed with non-fiction books...

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 17/11/2015 10:48

She's not being bullied she just feels a bit weird about the new baby?

As you've spent time talking to her and clearly it's a done deal now, if I were you I'd be taking a no-nonsense approach. She goes to school unless she is genuinely ill or she stays in her bed all day.

You're a good mum OP and clearly she knows you are there, she's pushing it and needs to know it's not acceptable.

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 17/11/2015 21:57

Million we went to the shops Sunday, the day before the sudden illness Hmmappeared.
She got up and very happily went to school this am I'm very pleased to say

OP posts:
MillionToOneChances · 17/11/2015 23:31

That's good news :)

I'm a big fan of making staying at home during school so boring that they have to be genuinely ill to want to. I don't believe in forcing them to school because I can't honestly tell what's going on inside their bodies. A couple of weeks ago my ten year old stayed home and I thought he was faking, but he genuinely slept for the entire day, didn't even read. He's not a napper.

chumbler · 17/11/2015 23:37

Agree with ghostly you've got to start being consistent - no days off unless ill with temperature. Think of her education. Maybe double check and triple check that she's happy in school but you can do this by calling the teacher etc

Don't cancel her party - it's YOU who agreed to give her the day off and you who needs to sort this quite honestly

chumbler · 17/11/2015 23:39

Whhhaaaaat there's a new baby on the way?

Well, why didn't you say so! Hmm

That could well be what's upsetting her, even if she doesn't know it. Last ditch attempt for some 1-1 attention from you?

bumpertobumper · 17/11/2015 23:52

Ds1 who was 7 at the time developed very bad anxiety and panic attacks in the last few months of my pregnancy with dc3 and it was a battle to get him to school every day .
He was worried about lots of things, but part of it was that at some moment I was going to suddenly vanish off to hospital for n unspecified length of time for a potentially risky process.
Two days after DD was born he declared himself 97% less worried.
Good lychee with everything and don't underestimate the impact of the impending upheaval on your DD and that the anticipation of it could well be worse than the event itself.

bumpertobumper · 17/11/2015 23:53

Good luck, not lychee obviously
A more random auto correct...

Jhm9rhs · 18/11/2015 07:09

I think you need to look into why she is doing this first.

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