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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to give my DD money?

55 replies

gBean · 08/11/2015 09:41

My DD is 16 and attends college 3.5 days a week. I give her £20 a week for travel/drinks at college, pay mobile contract of £25pm and give her £20 a month pocket money.

She's going into town today with mate and wants £20 when I know she has £40 babysitting money in her room.

I've said no. She thinks IABU as she's saving the babysitting money.

My Dh has just lost his job so we are currently getting by on my part time wage with 3 dc but even if I HAD spare money, i think I'd still say no.

OP posts:

TheHouseOnTheLane · 08/11/2015 09:43

Oh YANBU! How mean spirited of her.

ilovesooty · 08/11/2015 09:45

She'll have to make a choice about her financial priorities then. I think you're already being very generous given your circumstances.

scarlets · 08/11/2015 09:45

I'm all for encouraging youngsters to get in the habit of saving, but you simply can't afford to give her £20 for shopping so that's the end of the matter, really.

Original poster

gBean · 08/11/2015 09:45

Thanks. I had a momentary wobble when I thought about how I've encouraged her to save and now I'm saying no, but I think she's being rather greedy.

OP posts:

NoahVale · 08/11/2015 09:46

she sounds must like my DD

SirChenjin · 08/11/2015 09:47

No, YANBU. Has she thought of getting a p/t job now that she's 16?

Original poster

gBean · 08/11/2015 09:49

I've encouraged her to get a job and she agrees that it'd be a good idea but she's not being terribly proactive. She did pick up an application form for a local job, which then sat in her room for 3 weeks

OP posts:

TheOriginalWinkly · 08/11/2015 09:51

You save money by not frittering it away, not by spending other people's money. If she wants to save she can prioritise saving, if she wants to spend money it'll come out of her own money. That's how it works for everyone.

Zippidydoodah · 08/11/2015 09:52

No, you are definitely not being u. She can't expect to keep money in her room and take more off you. Selfish behaviour. Does she know/understand your financial situation?

Scarydinosaurs · 08/11/2015 09:53

Save half and spend half- it's time she learned that saving means sacrifice. It's easy to save if someone else is giving you money to spend!

SerenityReynolds · 08/11/2015 09:56

So she wants to save "her" money but still buy whatever she wants by spending yours? YANBU. I would continue as you have been. It will be a good learning experience for her to balance saving Vs treating yourself and that sometimes you have to compromise on one or the other.

Fairylea · 08/11/2015 10:02

Yanbu. If she has £40 in her bedroom she should use that! If she wants to save it she doesn't go shopping, end of. I'd love to be able to magic £20 out of the sky to go and spend it randomly but unfortunately life doesn't work like that.

PurpleAlerts · 08/11/2015 10:03

Of course YANBU! She is in college for 3 1/2 days a week? What does she do for the rest of the week?

ilovesooty · 08/11/2015 10:08

Will you even be able to continue funding her as you are with your husband out of work and getting by on your wages? I think she needs a reality check.

200threads · 08/11/2015 10:16

She needs to work. There are lots of jobs around even for 16 year olds, especially at this time of year, seasonal christmas work, which could lead to a permanent part time job.
My 17 yo is still at school and was offered 3 jobs, he now works in KFC for 7 hours at the weekend.

ToddlerTantrums · 08/11/2015 10:25

YANBU, when I was 16 EMA was a thing so I got 30 a week for going to 6th form. If I wanted any more than that I had to get a job, which I did. Full time school and worked 10-16 hours in maccies after school/weekends.
You can't afford it, she's old enough to understand that.

DisappointedOne · 08/11/2015 10:26

Important life lesson here. My aunt has supported my cousin through uni at enormous cost. She's now enrolled on a masters and expects to be fully supported through that as well so that she can spend her income from a part time job on stuff she wants. She has an air of entitlement about her that few could rival!

ohtheholidays · 08/11/2015 10:29

Does she realize that your already giving her £125 a month.Even if it's just 10 months a year(taking of what she needs for college when they're not open)that's still £1,250 your giving her every year.

YANBU at all,I'm sorry about your DH loosing his job it must be really worrying for both of you.Your DD is old enough now to learn the difference between wanting something,her going out with her friends compared to needing something,you paying all the bills to keep a roof over everyones head and to keep food in the house.

AskBasil · 08/11/2015 10:34

"You save money by not frittering it away, not by spending other people's money. If she wants to save she can prioritise saving, if she wants to spend money it'll come out of her own money. That's how it works for everyone."

I think that sums it up perfectly. You could print that off and laminate it to remind her (and yourself when you feel guilty about not giving her your money to fritter).

Hope your DH finds something else soon and things get better.

ohtheholidays · 08/11/2015 10:36

GBean just remembered now, it would be worth you getting intouch with the College now your financial situation has changed.You could be entitled to help with your daughters travel to and from college and with her lunch,drinks ect whilst she's at college.

We get help with our second oldest DS who is at college.He gets a travel pass now every month and he's been giving a card that pays for his food and drinks at college.We get it because of finances because I'm disabled,they usually all provide financial help weather it's because of disability,poor health,long term unemployment,a change in finances.

Lottie4 · 08/11/2015 10:38

At 16 she does need to realize that money basically doesn't grow on trees. Obviously you're split between letting your DD have what she wants as you love her, reality and what you can afford. I'd have done exactly the same thing as you.

It might be worth having a chat with her in the next day or so. Explain how much money is coming in, what the monthly bills are and the implications of getting into debt, she's old enough to understand. Tell her you're not having a go at her, just trying to explain how it is at the moment.

Even though things are tight, are you still proposing to still give her the money each month you mentioned? If so, you could suggest she juggles what she does with it, if she wants to save and still have money to spend going out, ie she could take a drink to college which would save money. Also, could she transfer to a cheap mobile contract? As already mentioned you could talk to her about the possibility of trying to get a small job as this would give her money for college things, going out or treating herself to clothing which you won't be able to buy at the moment.

rollonthesummer · 08/11/2015 10:42

Have you explained about your DH's job?!

When my DH was out of work-we all had less money and we took packed lunches-stop giving her money for lunch!

eddielizzard · 08/11/2015 10:50

err you're absolutely right! she should look for work if she wants more money. she has plenty of time for it.

MTWTFSS · 08/11/2015 10:51

YANBU! At 16 you can sit down with her and explain the financial situation.

Original poster

gBean · 08/11/2015 10:55

I've just said to Dh that the longer we give her money, the less likely she is to find a job. I don't give her lunch money, she takes a packed lunch and has about £1 a day after bus and train to buy a coffee.

Thanks very much for the tip about help with travel/meals for her, I'll look into that on Monday.

OP posts:

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