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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So it's my faukt

63 replies

Leafitout · 01/11/2015 21:52

Sitting here in tears not knowing what to do. Long story but will keep it factual. My ds dad is hard work. He was very abusive and has a long criminal record. He was given a few months suspended prison sentence for assaulting his ex. And an indefinite restraining order not to ever go near her again. I was awarded by the courts a two year restraining order that he does not contact me in any way or insight others to do so. And he is only allowed indirect contact with ds.
Now he has emailed ds saying ask your mum if I can see you but I'll tell you the answer will be NO! Ds is now saying dad wants to see me! The way he has put it to ds is that I am stopping his father from seeing him. Like its my fault!!

OP posts:
HeartShapedBox · 01/11/2015 21:55

How old is DS? Could u explain to him the law says dad can't see him, or is he too young for the whys and wherefores?

Horrible situation to put you in Flowers

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 01/11/2015 21:58

I'm would tell him why he's not allowed to see him.
Typical shithead turning it around on you.

Original poster
Leafitout · 01/11/2015 21:59

Ds is 12. I'm upset that he is using ds in this way twisting ds head up. I feel angry that he still can't recognise that his behaviour has made things this way. And I'm scared that he still seems angry at me putting NO.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leafitout · 01/11/2015 22:01

He also wants to see ds on his birthday. But there is a restraining order in place. I can't and don't want him near us. He scares me and has terrorised me for years before the order was put into place. I'm frightened

OP posts:
Yambabe · 01/11/2015 22:03

So are the terms of his contact with DS court-ordered? f so I would say that at 12 DS is old enough to have them explained to him, even if you don't go into details about why.

HeartShapedBox · 01/11/2015 22:04

I'd say 12 is old enough to understand that he can't see his dad and why.

It's hard for him too though, poor kid.

Original poster
Leafitout · 01/11/2015 22:05

Yes it is court ordered for indirect contact with ds. Am I suppose to drop the only protection put in place to keep him from us because he is angry at me. I suffer from anxiety and this is making me feel very nervous

OP posts:
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 01/11/2015 22:07

Can you arrange a supervised visit?
Then explain to ds that he has to meet at this supervised place due to his fathers previous behaviour?

Osolea · 01/11/2015 22:07

Does the restraining order prevent him from contacting your ds directly? If so, report him for breaking it!

You need to be honest with your ds and explain the truth to him. He still might not fully understand, and he might still blame you, but that's because he's 12 and you're there, not because it is your fault. As he gets older he will understand better. Sorry you're having to go through this.

BestZebbie · 01/11/2015 22:07

What a good opportunity to show your son that although his dad may well want to see him, because he (your DS) is lovely, he (your ex) has behaved appallingly and that is why he is no longer allowed nice things such as access. Consequences apply to adults too, etc etc.

Original poster
Leafitout · 01/11/2015 22:07

I have explained before to ds that it's not him that can't see his father. It's his father that isn't allowed to see him because he had made a few wrong choices. I understand it's hard for ds and that is what breaks my heart for him.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 01/11/2015 22:09

I would be very concerned that your DS may pass on school/ address details to his father to allow him to track him down. Why does his father have his email address?

Original poster
Leafitout · 01/11/2015 22:09

It feels as though he's trying to get into ds head with his munipulating way and it's not fair to do that to ds.

OP posts:
Senpai · 01/11/2015 22:12

12 is old enough to be given the blunt truth of the matter. Let him know what his father did, how he isn't allowed near his current ex, and why there's a restraining order in the first place since those aren't easy to get.

It will hurt, but at that age, it's better to be honest with him than to let his father string him along.

Original poster
Leafitout · 01/11/2015 22:13

He has ds email address for indirect contact. The judge put this down as he is not allowed to contact me or have my phone number. If he wanted to find out ds school nothing would stop him. He used to follow/sit outside the house across the road and watch us.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2015 22:15

Is his emailing DS a violation of the restraining order? If so, report it.

A 12 year old is old enough to understand breaking the law and its consequences. Explain to him that a judge has said that his dad is not allowed to see him and a judge must be obeyed. That you respect the law and will not break it.

Then change your sons's email address or block his father as a sender.

Original poster
Leafitout · 01/11/2015 22:16

He is unhinged but I don't want to scare ds as there has already been a lot of police visits to the house. This email has unsettled me.

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Baconyum · 01/11/2015 22:21

I'm surprised you haven't discussed this more explicitly with DS before. He's old enough to know the basics of what his dad is ie violent. Have you made it clear to DS not to tell his dad where he goes to School, address phone number?

As for your ex I think you need to talk to your assigned police officer if you have one or solicitor. See if this is a breach of his conditions. Even if strictly speaking its not I suspect they'd want to have a little word warning him this isn't acceptable.

Original poster
Leafitout · 01/11/2015 22:21

From his email it sounds like that he doesn't care that a restraining order is in place. As he wouldn't be asking ds to tell your mum and I want to see you on your birthday. Is it so wrong of me to not want to break the protection. In that way he may have breached the order by asking ds. I think I would have to go back to court to ask to block the emails and I'm not strong enough to go through that again.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2015 22:21

Ah, I see that email is allowed. I still think a new email is in order, one that YOU access before DS is allowed to see it. I'd say you're entitled to protect your son from seeing upsetting emails that violate a restraining order.

Baconyum · 01/11/2015 22:22

That may not be necessary with an order already in place. And if you don't deal with it things may get worse.

Original poster
Leafitout · 01/11/2015 22:26

I have discussed it with ds that his father has made a few wrong choices and broke the law when he assaulted his ex. Ds knew his ex and was very upset that his father had hurt her. Ds has been aware that his father has been vile to me.
Ds knows not to let on where is at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leafitout · 01/11/2015 22:31

How do you mean please Baconyum? Ds of his own accord forwarded this email to my email. He never does that. Sometimes he will say he received an email from his father. To which I say that's nice make sure you reply. The court ordered that I make him reply within a certain time frame. But I leave it at that and don't bug him about replying. As it caused a row between us the first time.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 01/11/2015 22:36

Why have you not told him the truth?

ghostspirit · 01/11/2015 22:39

probably a bit different. my ex is not allowed to see my kids dues to violence. my kids have asked about their dad and i told them the truth. he was accused of hurting a child and social services said im not to go near him again and if i do my children will be put into care.

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