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AIBU?

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Original poster

So it's my faukt

63 replies

Leafitout · 01/11/2015 21:52

Sitting here in tears not knowing what to do. Long story but will keep it factual. My ds dad is hard work. He was very abusive and has a long criminal record. He was given a few months suspended prison sentence for assaulting his ex. And an indefinite restraining order not to ever go near her again. I was awarded by the courts a two year restraining order that he does not contact me in any way or insight others to do so. And he is only allowed indirect contact with ds.
Now he has emailed ds saying ask your mum if I can see you but I'll tell you the answer will be NO! Ds is now saying dad wants to see me! The way he has put it to ds is that I am stopping his father from seeing him. Like its my fault!!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 02/11/2015 17:24

I think you may be right that they have minimized your concerns because of your MH issues. That's a damned shame.

If you have a copy of your restraining orders and any court papers look to see if they have the name of his probation officer or any type of official contacts for him. If you know the police station where he 'checks in' try contacting them, I'm sure they'd know. They may not be able to tell you, but I'd think they'd be able to pass along a message that you'd like to speak to them.

VimFuego101 · 02/11/2015 17:32

You would call the probation officer and explain that he's breached the terms of his probation. If the papers don't have the name of the officer then maybe the court can help.

Jux · 02/11/2015 17:42

The police are wrong. You know this and you are right. Don't let a couple of grumpy coppers make you question yourself. Were they from the DV Unit? If not, then they don't necessarily know what they're talking about.

Talk to your solicitor, get advice from WA.

Original poster
Leafitout · 02/11/2015 17:59

No they weren't from the DV unit. Think they thought I was being a mentally unstable drama queen. They did say if anything was to happen then dial 999 and they will attend straight away. But why should I wait for something to happen first. Surely giving him words of advice should be the first port of call. I have a copy of both court orders. But they don't contain that information.

OP posts:
Jux · 02/11/2015 18:38

I agree that having a word with him could act as prevention, which is obviously better than cure, but it seems that's not how things work these days.Sad

No, you shouldn't have to wait until he does something.

As they weren't fro the DV Unit you really don't have to take their attitude seriously. I would follow up with a call to the DV Unit on 101, just to make sure they know that there's been a development. Also tell solicitor.

But please help your son, by telling him the teuth about his dad so he is armed against the manipulation and grooming which he is now going to have to be aware of. It's a horrible thing to have to do. Can you talk it through with someone - someone who knows what they're talking about that is! Like WA - and sort out what and how you have that conversation? No glossing, no minimising. He needs to know the reality.

Original poster
Leafitout · 02/11/2015 19:00

I'm going to go back to my freedom programm group. They are a nice bunch of ladies that run the sessions. I have been to ten already. I think that they may help me approach things with ds. Talking it through with them.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 02/11/2015 19:50

Those officers were wrong. Definitely don't let them put you off. Your ex is behaving badly and breaching the order and your son deserves to know the truth so he doesn't end up being another of his dad's victims in later life.

LIZS · 02/11/2015 19:54

Indirect contact with whom , you and/or Ds? I wouldn't call an email "indirect" unless it came through a 3rd party and was screened. He sounds manipulative.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/11/2015 20:02

I think talking with your group will be helpful.

But I also think you need to start screening DS's emails immediately.

Original poster
Leafitout · 02/11/2015 20:19

The judge made the order for indirect contact only for ds by way of email. It's a bit of a tricky one. Ds is at that awkward age where he can throw strops about anyone touching his stuff. I don't want to break any trust that we have built up. Feel like I'm intruding on his email time with his father. But clearly his father can't behave in an acceptable way through email. I will explain this to ds and that I will need to look at any further emails. At least that way I have been upfront with ds.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 02/11/2015 23:55

Very cross with those officers! Bollocks had anything to do with your mh other than it being worsened by the stress! Fuckwits! And I'm supportive of the police in general but as in any job...

I'm guessing you can contact probation service direct and they can put you in contact with whoever is dealing with your ex. Also contact police again and this time specifically request dv officers. Contact a solicitor do you still have one?

Original poster
Leafitout · 03/11/2015 08:17

I think I may be able to speak with my solicitor. It was a while ago and my legal aid has been discharged since then. As I wasn't able to work, I had a nervous breakdown due to my MH and the stress he put me under.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2015 18:16

I do think talking to the solicitor would be the best thing as far as getting the legal issues clarified.

But I certainly would start screening the emails. I raised two boys so I understand the stroppiness, but it didn't stop me from doing what I felt was best for them.

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