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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be ungrateful for a gift...

57 replies

MantaRayBay · 01/11/2015 18:51

Ok. I am quite certain that IABU. I even said to my husband that if I put this on AIBU, you would all say IABU. So then we decided to test it out...

I can barely type this as it's rather embarrassing.

My MIL has just phoned to say she has bought DCs a wooden train set. Very similar to the one we were planning to buy them next year when they'd actually be old enough to use it safely. Which we have talked about a lot and are really excited about buying and seeing how excited they would be.

She phoned to say "is that ok?". What can you say to that?? It kind of feels like she stole my thunder ... she has done it before by buying them a book that is quite sentimental to me, that I was looking forward to buying. (BTW had to hang up because of DC so couldn't answer her.)

Obviously will have to say, "how lovely, thank you." And accept it. I just want to see the happy looks on my babies' faces and know that it's because of something I got for them...

Entitled, ungrateful, precious... Moi?

OP posts:

crabbiearses · 01/11/2015 18:54

i know how you feel its horrible to feel like someone has done something you want to do, but you will look unreasonable if you say you don't want it and then buy them one next year.

gleam · 01/11/2015 18:54

Did she know about it?
If so, YANBU.

aprilanne · 01/11/2015 18:56

well if its just coincidence then yabu .but if u mentioned and she deliberately bought it then thats not nice my mil used to do this to me i would say i am buying ds a certain thing for xmas then you bet he got it in october for his birthday .eventually stopped discussing things with her .

Mysteryfla · 01/11/2015 18:56

If it's a coincidence then I'm afraid you have to suck it up. If she knew you were planning it then no, and tell her that.

I future I'd be very careful about mentioning any future purchases when she's around.

VegasIsBest · 01/11/2015 18:56

Your kids will still get to enjoy the train set. So I don't really see the issue here.

Sighing · 01/11/2015 18:58

You know that the ages are guides and reflect unsupervised play? The great thing about wooden train sets is you can add to them. It's a pain. But maybe get quick with your "Oh, I'm so sorry we ordered one today" (if it's important that these things are from you).

Peachypeaches · 01/11/2015 18:59

If she's bought the basic track then you get to buy all of the exciting bridges, engine sheds, tunnels, special trains and extra track make it really amazing for your children.

Doublebubblebubble · 01/11/2015 18:59

You are being slightly unreasonable. Let her have her moment and then Stop telling her what you intend to buy that way she cant top your gifts. X

cranberryx · 01/11/2015 19:00

My MIL does this!

I mention that we are baking cakes in the afternoon and really looking forward to it (for a bake sale) when PILs are looking after the girls in the morning, come to pick them up and they have all baked cakes and have Tupperware - Grr!!

I honestly don't know if they do it on purpose, or are swayed subliminally And don't remember where the idea came from!

Yanbu

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2015 19:00

Why can't you just say, "They're not ready for that at the moment. We're buying them one next Christmas when they'll be ready. Please could you get them X instead?"

zombieme8 · 01/11/2015 19:01

It is a bit annoying but your dc will still get the benefit so you are being a bit U. Could you 'team up' with MIL and buy one of those play tables for the track to be built on? That way you can give together and all have the enjoyment of dcs' excitement? It might also help you with enthusiasm for the return call

AdjustableWench · 01/11/2015 19:02

Are there other issues between you and MIL? I get on very well with my MIL and this wouldn't have bothered me - I was always happy if she bought something for the DC that I wanted them to have. But I can imagine that if your MIL does other things you don't like, this would grate a bit.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/11/2015 19:02

My MIL used to do this when mine were younger- really pissed me off

Floggingmolly · 01/11/2015 19:03

How old is your child; that he has to wait a year to use a wooden train set "safely"? . I'll bet anything you like that your MIL hadn't a clue of your plans, nobody blathers on about the toy they're going to buy next year...

TheSnowFairy · 01/11/2015 19:09

I don't get this at all.

So your DC gets something they'll love.

You aren't paying for it so can use the money for something else you know they'll love.

If they're not old enough to use it safely yet they must be v young, they won't care have a clue who's bought them what.

YABU

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 01/11/2015 19:10

Just how old do you need to be for this wooden trainset?

Were you really going to be excited about buying something - you still get to see them get it and play with it?

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 01/11/2015 19:14

Waiting a year until they can play safely? It's a train set not a bomb making kit

It's doubtful she knows of your plans for a years time and it's a pretty standard present to buy. Grandparents just can't win.

trapdooragain · 01/11/2015 19:14

if she knew yanbu

my ex mil knew the exact set we bought ds so they bought TWO of them just to outdo us

funny enough my mom used to do this too until i went nc with her (nothing to do with christmas gifts i hasten to add)

ex mil and fil still try and outdo me now buying gift after gift when they go to their house sending them over with toys that they apparently insist on bringing home

offer to go halves on a train table its better than the loose sets as it is stuck down and they don't get frustrated by it falling apart

CMOTDibbler · 01/11/2015 19:19

Its not the track thats exciting, its all the bridges, better trains, stations etc. Much better for mil to buy the boring track

WyrdByrd · 01/11/2015 19:23

If they have form for this I can understand it being infuriating - I have the same problem with my own my mum who has done it 2 or 3 times in the last couple of years, knowing that the gifts concerned were things I wanted/planned to buy DD myself.

Her answer to everything is that she's getting old and may not be around to treat DD for much longer...there's really no answer to that.

Scarletforya · 01/11/2015 19:25

How can a wooden train set be unsafe?

dulcefarniente · 01/11/2015 19:26

If she's knowingly doing it YADNBU. My xmil has always done it and continues to do it. I've learned to never mention anything in advance and where possible buy it ahead of time. Had one instance where another family member wanted to buy something for dd that was related to their hobby and which was of no interest to xmil. She was specifically asked by her ds not to buy it due to the sentimental value placed on it by the family member but she went ahead and bought it anyway.

If she is not aware of your plans your husband is right.

chocadd1ct · 01/11/2015 19:28

I think yabvvu. I doubt your DC will remember who handed the pressie over . If they like it than this is surely all that matters.

I really don't get these kind of problems.

holeinmyheart · 01/11/2015 19:28

Well make sure that you buy a big cardboard box and when she gives them the train they will actually take more notice of the box especially if they can sit in it. ( I am joking)
YABU really. Unless you believe she is deliberately trying to hurt you, then you are looking to create problems between you and your MIL. This woman loves your DH like you love your DCs. She is trying to be nice.

You will be a MIL one day as you have sons. Good luck, because it is a difficult relationship to get right, because of all sorts of reasons.... Jealousy, tug of love, over who gets to control the bloke etc etc. All well documented on Mumsnet.
If it was someone other than your MIL who had bought your DCs this present wouldn't you have been able to forgive them? ( be honest now)

BolshierAryaStark · 01/11/2015 19:31

I think you need to stop planning to buy things for your DC & get on with actually buying it then shit like this doesn't happen.

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