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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be ungrateful for a gift...

57 replies

MantaRayBay · 01/11/2015 18:51

Ok. I am quite certain that IABU. I even said to my husband that if I put this on AIBU, you would all say IABU. So then we decided to test it out...

I can barely type this as it's rather embarrassing.

My MIL has just phoned to say she has bought DCs a wooden train set. Very similar to the one we were planning to buy them next year when they'd actually be old enough to use it safely. Which we have talked about a lot and are really excited about buying and seeing how excited they would be.

She phoned to say "is that ok?". What can you say to that?? It kind of feels like she stole my thunder ... she has done it before by buying them a book that is quite sentimental to me, that I was looking forward to buying. (BTW had to hang up because of DC so couldn't answer her.)

Obviously will have to say, "how lovely, thank you." And accept it. I just want to see the happy looks on my babies' faces and know that it's because of something I got for them...

Entitled, ungrateful, precious... Moi?

OP posts:

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 01/11/2015 19:32

YABU but I'd feel exactly the same! SIL bought DD a huge dolls house for Christmas last year. V generous. But has meant I can't give her my childhood dolls house as there's no room for it. SIL didn't know this but I'm still cross! (Also cross that it has cost a fortune to fill the stupid pink thing with dolls and furniture. Grrrr) so, yes, I'd be cross but we're both being unreasonable and ungrateful

Senpai · 01/11/2015 19:33

If this is a one off, I wouldn't worry about it, honestly. The kids are going to take it at face value and play with it because it's fun. They're not going to care who gave it to them. One day when grandma is gone they'll look back at it fondly remembering her and the fun memories of the train track. You'll be around long enough to not have that sort of nostalgia with them, as they'll be much older adults.

If it's a Christmas gift, it would be from Santa anyway, right? You're not going to get credit for it either way.

However, if this is a habit I'd let it go this time and then never tell them what you're getting again or mention a different toy you think they'll like.

chumbler · 01/11/2015 19:35

My mil does this. She means well

Original poster

MantaRayBay · 01/11/2015 19:35

Wow thank you for all your replies!

She is actually a lovely grandmother and probably didn't do it on purpose, although I thought we had told her about it. I will get over it I'm sure.

One's a toddler (who still puts everything in his mouth, so you do have to watch him like a hawk with toys with small pieces) and one is still a baby.

I'm sure we will have lots of fun designing complex tracks with bridges and tunnels and cranes etc in the future. Hopefully no bomb making kits though Autumnleaves!

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/11/2015 19:38

In our family, Father Christmas does stockings, but all the other presents come from their actual donors, Senpai - it seems to be one of the biggest divides on MN - between the 'Everything is from Santa' families and the 'Stockings from Santa, other presents from the real people'*.

- Santa is, of course, a real person, I just didn't want to say 'actual donors' again!

BathshebaDarkstone · 01/11/2015 19:40

That would drive me crazy. Never tell her anything in future.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 01/11/2015 19:40

Not all gifts are from santa. DC gets stockings from Santa and gifts from family and friends.

AmberFool · 01/11/2015 19:41

For me, it doesn't matter who buys what as long as DC are happy. If MIL or anyone was doing it on purpose as one-upmanship, then I would be inclined to go on about how much the DC would like x with x being a uber expensive toy. May as well take advantage of the situation

Senpai · 01/11/2015 19:46

Present donors. It makes Christmas sound much more macabre and interesting.

We do the big gifts and stockings from Santa, and then one small present from us. Fun gifts from us are for birthdays where it's much more personal and we have a better budget.

specialsubject · 01/11/2015 19:50

she's done the dull bits - shopping and paying. You do the fun bits - playing.

am I missing something?

Bimblywibble · 01/11/2015 19:50

I do know where you're coming from, but I think you're very lucky to have this problem.

My parents and ILs don't tend to buy toys for our DC, they put money aside (not to be spent) and give them cardis or books that are far too old for them. I'd love them to buy something they can actually play with more often! Your children won't remember or care who bought the original set, and others are right that you still get to buy the fun bits. I recommend Bigjigs.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 01/11/2015 19:52

My DParents have given the DC loads of nice pressies over the years, often things we've suggested after they've asked for ideas. But what I wanted to say is even if pressies from DGP's are bigger and better than some of the ones from us (not always though) the DC still know it's us that organise their parties and Christmases and generally keep the show on the road. I wouldn't worry too much OP - the PIL's can't really buy your DC's affection. Developing a good relationship with anyone takes more than that!
And yes wooden train track perfect for adding to over the years, either by you or by them, or both.
< sings .... we can build a bridge! >

MuddlingMackem · 01/11/2015 19:54

I'll buck the trend and say YANBU.

I remember DH deciding to buy DS a toy Black & Decker workbench when he was old enough, it had toy versions of DH's tool sets and he was looking forward to getting it for him. Then PILs bought DS an inferior one, and he never did get to get the preferred one. Of course he was disappointed. I think you're totally allowed to feel ungrateful when the GPs upstage you.

whirlybird42 · 01/11/2015 19:57

Eh? I'd actually be really pleased if my parents or ils did this. Maybe I'm weird.

ForChina · 01/11/2015 19:58

Yeah you know you're being unreasonable but sometimes it's normal to be a bit unreasonable.

My MIL bought my first daughter a doll on her first birthday. My first daughter's first doll. I felt a bit stupidly annoyed as I wanted to do that milestone. I obviously didn't react or say anything (except thank you, how lovely!) and now she's older she has loads of dolls anyway so that 'first doll' thing didn't really matter.

LaytexSales · 01/11/2015 20:08

Yeah defo unreasonable! It's not a bad problem to have is it! There are loads and loads of toys (their first bike for example) that you will be excited about buying. You won't miss out in special moments. Tbh train sets are such a common gift that you will find it difficult to escape someone buying your dc one before you do if you have put it off ( still not sure bout the danger of wooden set..). We had at least 3 sets when my two were both still under 2.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 01/11/2015 20:16

I have reached the stage where I think 'oh that's a good present for FIL to get so we can get something he is less likely to approve of with money saved'! Now though we have reached the stage where all he does is pay for the present. I will think of it, order and wrap it and he will present it to them. I can see why it is important to you but I would try to see the positive side of it.

BrideOfWankenstein · 01/11/2015 20:36

I think YABU. Because it really doesn't matter who will buy it. Your children will be playing with them. It's just a toy. One of many. You get to save your money or buy some add on items to it.
I love the fact that I didn't have to buy my baby DD's cotbed because my DMIL bought it when I was about 8 weeks pregnant. In fact I love that she buys stuff for her because that way I can buy her something else that I wouldn't buy otherwise.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 01/11/2015 20:44

Hmmm I probably wouldn't see it as thunder stealing tbh if my MIL did this, but it kind of depends on your relationship. I've mentioned things to MIL in the past and she's surprised me by buying them for DC. I found it lovely as I wanted DC to have whatever it is and DC now has whatever it is without me even having to buy it which really helps. I am not particularly sensitive though and don't tend to get riled by this sort of grey area type thing. Different if you know she's doing it to insult you or wind you up though and also depends on your relationship.

Original poster

MantaRayBay · 01/11/2015 20:52

You all make good points and have cheered me up. The ones who understand where I'm coming from have made me feel like I'm not alone and the ones saying IABU have helped me see the positive side - eg looking forward to buying other things like a first bike!

We were planning to get the Brio train set which is 3+, and as I said my toddler chews on everything so that's why I was concerned about the safety... Really hope he grows out of that habit soon tbh.

OP posts:

Sazzle41 · 01/11/2015 21:11

If she has form for this just stop telling her your plans re gifts and activities and dont tell your children til its too late for her to get in first and steal your joy/thunder.

Hatethis22 · 01/11/2015 21:12

Please don't tell her about the bike and, if possible, buy it now and put it away.

TyneTeas · 01/11/2015 21:33

I was told by a local independent toy shop owner that 3+ doesn't necessarily mean unsuitable for under 3s, just that it hasn't undergone the significantly more expensive additional testing to be rated younger

EastMidsMummy · 01/11/2015 22:29

YABU.

CrapBag · 01/11/2015 22:36

Um, YANBU. They won't get any use out of it now. Why can't you say "oh we have already planned to get them that next year I'm pretty sure we mentioned that to you and they won't get any use out of it this year as they are too young". She has specifically asked you if it's okay, you can say it's not. You can put it across that it won't get played with due to it being too old for a baby and a young, chewing everything in sight, toddler.

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