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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Car share/work colleague/slagging me off

57 replies

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 14/10/2015 12:44

Will try to keep this short, I haven't been unreasonable YET and would like some advice before/if I say anything.

Me and a guy in work both live in the same area which is a 30 minute drive from work so we car share. One week I drive, the next he drives.

A few weeks ago he crashed his car and it is a write off. No injuries thankfully.

Therefore we have been driving in to work in my car.

I am currently moving house and had to hand the keys into my old landlord on Monday by 5pm, my DP was really ill and on Sunday I realised I was not going to get things done on time, so I messaged my boss to ask if it was possible to have the Monday off, she said yes.

I sent a text to car share guy to explain (this was around 3pm on Sunday) I wouldn't be in so could he arrange a lift with family. He replied with "ok".

On the Mondat I received a text from another work colleague who told me that car share guy had said I had "let him down".

Monday night I was feeling as little queezy, woke up at 5am Tuesday morning vomitting and Diarohea. I text Car share guy around 6.30 to explain I wouldnt be in again but that he could borrow my car. He replied "by the time I get to you i will be late for work, Guess I'll just have to ring in sick".

Later on that evening he sent me another message asking if im in or not today so he can arrange a lift.

I feel he was unreasonable to slag me off to work, saying that when he buys a new car he wont be car sharing with me again as i'm too unreliable!!! it was one occasion! So who IBU here? Me for letting him down, or him?

OP posts:
Junosmum · 14/10/2015 12:48

I'd say 'my transport let me down' as a reason for being late, I wouldn't be blaming anyone or anything just providing a reason. I think the person who told you may be reading in to it more than there was.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 14/10/2015 12:48

Him of course! He's a twat. Tell him to stick his car share up his arse

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 14/10/2015 12:50

Juno I think you missed the bit where he told work when he gets his new car he won't be sharing with her again as she's too unreliable

Crabbitface · 14/10/2015 12:50

Him. You're effectively doing him a favour while he doesn't have access to a car. Have a word face to face to see what actually was said.

Booyaka · 14/10/2015 12:52

I can kind of see where he's coming from, and I suspect your work may be a bit Hmm too.

Texting on a Sunday to ask for a day off on a Monday would raise eyebrows a bit. TBH I think a lot of people would presume you intended to be hung over.

To take a day off at short notice on a Monday then call in sick the next day will definitely raise eyebrows.

And waiting until 6:30pm to let him know when you'd let him down the day before was rude and thoughtless.

I think you should be careful with your time off in future, you may well have marked your card.

wowfudge · 14/10/2015 12:53

Oh for crying out loud: him of course!

You can't help having other commitments or being ill and you've done your best to inform him. That doesn't make you unreliable.

If he had decent car insurance he could have a hire car until he gets things sorted. If he caused the accident which meant his car was a write off then arguably he's let you both down.

Also rather than being a bit late for work when you had offered him the use of your car (he may not have been insured to drive it btw, but that's by the by) he chose to call in sick? Well he's a lazy arsed liar. He chose not to get to work that day.

Where I do think YABU is in taking a third party's word for it that he slagged you off.

You are better off without car share man tbh.

MaxPepsi · 14/10/2015 12:53

On the face of what you have said, he's being a twat!

He can't even see the irony of his comments. No thanks for the lifts he's effectively had for free whilst being unable to car share with you - he doesn't see that as letting you down tho?

You even offered to lend him your car.

I'd let work know his attitude to ringing in sick if he can't have a lift!

Hornydilemma · 14/10/2015 12:54

If he's rung in sick just because he can't get to work, he may not be working there by the time you return Grin - if someone working for my company tried to pull that trick they wouldn't last long...

nipersvest · 14/10/2015 12:54

when car sharing, its always a good idea to have a back up plan, car's break down, people get ill etc, its life. if it were me, i'd speak to him, face to face, not via text or through colleagues, and re-explain whats happened over the last few days and then just say since its not working anymore the car sharing idea is cancelled. sounds like you have a lot going on atm (moving) so could do without the added responsibility.

wowfudge · 14/10/2015 12:58

Booyaka she woke up feeling sick and texted him at 6.30am. If she'd texted him the evening before he had no excuse for not going to work!

Why on earth would people assume you planned to have a hangover if you booked Monday off at short notice? Who gives a monkeys what people think - the important thing is that the OP's manager sanctioned the day off. No one else's opinion matters.

In fact re-reading the post, the fact that car share man apparently told the OP's colleagues, not her, he wouldn't car share with her in his new car makes him more of an arse.

Seeyounearertime · 14/10/2015 13:03

I'd text him and tell him you won't be going him a ride again and that next time he feels like slagging someone off to not do it to someone who'll tell the person. What shit person he is.

Collaborate · 14/10/2015 13:06

If I were you I'd call a halt to the "car share" now. It's not really a car share anymore is it, if he's saying he'll never give you a lift again.

Gottagetmoving · 14/10/2015 13:07

TBH I think a lot of people would presume you intended to be hung over.To take a day off at short notice on a Monday then call in sick the next day will definitely raise eyebrows

Who cares? OP knows the truth. I wouldn't be bothered whether eyebrows were raised or not.

YANBU OP.
The guy should appreciate what you have done for him while his car is out of action. Be glad to be rid of him.

Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 14/10/2015 13:11

*I can kind of see where he's coming from, and I suspect your work may be a bit hmm too.

Texting on a Sunday to ask for a day off on a Monday would raise eyebrows a bit. TBH I think a lot of people would presume you intended to be hung over.

To take a day off at short notice on a Monday then call in sick the next day will definitely raise eyebrows.

And waiting until 6:30pm to let him know when you'd let him down the day before was rude and thoughtless.

I think you should be careful with your time off in future, you may well have marked your card*

This is completely irrelevant. I have a great relationship with my manager and I told them if it was a problem then I could come in and arrange something else.

I didnt want to text him at 5am in case I woke him.

I don't really want to tell him to leave the car share as knowing my luck I will have problems with my car and have to rely on him!

P.S he is insured to drive any vehicle. I was willing to drive it to him if he drove me back home, He didn't call in sick, he got a lift from his sister in the end.

I'm still unwell but came into work giving the arsey text messages from him.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 14/10/2015 13:23

I would keep the car share going but call him out on his comments. Next time you are sharing, say your sorry for the late notice and it couldn't be helped, but you've been made aware he's been telling people you've let him down, and its also inappropriate to guilt trip you when you were genuinely ill. Especially when its the first time you've ever has issues which meant you couldn't drive him.

Ask him if he wants to continue the car share as it is advantageous to both of you, but your expectation is that if either of you cannot drive occasionally you let the other person know asap and it is not blown into a drama.

WeAllHaveWings · 14/10/2015 13:25

and you shouldn't be in work with D&V, but I think that's another thread Wink. Hope you feel better soon!

Floggingmolly · 14/10/2015 13:34

Don't you have public transport round your way, op? Do people seriously "ring in sick" because there's no one available to give them a lift? Confused

Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 14/10/2015 13:46

There is a bus but the earliest it gets you into town is 9.20am.

I haven't long passed my driving test, before I passed I was having to catch the bus in and only have half hour lunches. Car share guy wouldn't give me a lift in (even for petrol money) as it was too far out of his way..

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 14/10/2015 14:08

I've been trying to think whether I would have done anything differently in your position.

I probably would have asked for a half day on the Monday & just taken the afternoon off - enabling me to give the colleague a lift in as arranged - and he would then have had a days' notice of needing to get the bus home. The illness is just one of those things and, of course, YANBU for driving someone to work while you're too ill to work yourself!

That said, this arrangement ceased to be a car share at the point where your colleague's car was written off. Since then it has been purely you giving him a lift. To me, there is a vast difference between the two scenarios. In a true car share, I can see why someone might be annoyed to be "let down" twice on the other person's week - but only if he himself had been entirely reliable, never ill, never missed a day on his "turn" etc. etc. When you are having a lift from the same person every day, and that person is thereby enabling you to get to work on time (as there is apparently no public transport to do so) you should be bloody grateful to that person and, if they should need a day or two off at short notice, you accept it and remain grateful for all of the help they have given you!

I would end the agreement now. I wouldn't be helping out such an entitled, ungrateful prick any longer!

LoveAnchor · 14/10/2015 14:08

YANBU at all.
I would invent a reason not to car share anymore.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 14/10/2015 14:09

YANBU for NOT driving - obviously Hmm.

LoveAnchor · 14/10/2015 14:09

Mainly because he decided to call in sick when you couldn't give him a lift. That's not on, and I wouldn't want to be in the company of someone like that.

footphobic · 14/10/2015 14:15

I feel that, even with the previous arrangement as it stood, it actually isn't your full responsibility to get him to work, especially whilst he cannot reciprocate. Things come up, he should have a back up plan, you needed time off at short notice and for both the reasons you mention that's not unreasonable. Also not your fault he didn't have a hire/courtesy car on his policy.

Also, regarding insurance to drive other people's cars, its most common for this to be third party only and even this isn't automatic these days as it used to be. If you were going to lend to anyone (and definitely not him) then be properly aware of what their cover is, don't take their word for it.

I would find it difficult to go back to sharing with him even if he apologised. He's a complete arse.

Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 14/10/2015 14:18

I think I will hang on for him to get a car before I mention it. If he does indeed cancel the car share once he buys one, I will tell him what I think of his behaviour

OP posts:
RaspberryOverload · 14/10/2015 14:34

Did this chap give you any petrol money to cover the weeks when it was meant to be his turn to drive?

Or have you just given him a lift since the car was trashed?