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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think people should THINK before they SPEAK?

53 replies

Number3cometome · 29/09/2015 10:31

DS2 is 11 weeks old.

I went back to work last week, working full time.
DS is in nursery.

I work for a foreign company and many of the staff have looked at me with shock and horror that 1) I am back at work already 2) that my child is in nursery.

I understand that it's horses for courses, but I wish people would think before they open their mouths and declare how they "couldn't leave a poor little baby at nursery" or "couldn't trust nursery with a baby that small"

It's upsetting, especially when no one actually wants to leave their baby to work, we just have bills to pay.

AIBU to think people should think about others feelings, before they speak??

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 29/09/2015 10:32

Yes they bloody well should
Congratulations by the way

nephrofox · 29/09/2015 10:33

Yes they shoukd think before they speak. But be warned you may get a similar attitude on this thread.

lorelei9 · 29/09/2015 10:34

yes...and furthermore...I actually wouldn't have a problem if you just wanted to go back to work, so that's another reason I think people should just mind their own frankly!

RonniePickering · 29/09/2015 10:35

They should, but as they say, opinions are like arse-holes. Everyone has one.

PennyHasNoSurname · 29/09/2015 10:36

Meh horses for courses.

At that age id have chosen a CM rather than a Nursery but I am not you. And I certainly wouldnt judge you for using a Nursery.

Original poster
Number3cometome · 29/09/2015 10:37

PennyHasNoSurname

DS1 & DD went to a childminder at the same age.

I'm inclined to agree, but logistics of getting everyone where they need to be meant nursery was the best option.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/09/2015 10:38

Yes they should definitely keep their thoughts/words to themselves.

However, sometimes it's difficult to control facial expressions like shock because it's more spontaneous IYSWIM.

Either way, it's not their baby and not their business.

Scobberlotcher · 29/09/2015 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onthepigsback · 29/09/2015 10:38

I think it says great things about you that you are back at work whether it's through necessity or desire. I'm sure you have chosen your baby's nursery carefully and love your baby very much. But it will do them no harm and you are going against the grain, not doing the easiest thing in the world, but making it work.

lorelei9 · 29/09/2015 10:39

WorraLiberty "However, sometimes it's difficult to control facial expressions like shock because it's more spontaneous IYSWIM."

I do see what you mean but sometimes I think those people really shock easily!!!

ChattingAway · 29/09/2015 10:42

'Gosh, how very comforting and supportive of you, thank you' with a pointed glare should do the trick....

Original poster
Number3cometome · 29/09/2015 10:44

ChattingAway

I should do that!

I just find it so hard to deal with their shock.

I was thinking of going down the Brittas Empire (showing my age here) route and saying baby is in the drawer under my desk Wink

Instead I find myself making excuses about how I know the nursery staff (which I do, two of them are old friends)

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 29/09/2015 10:44

Be sure to tell the 'shock face' types.... you are booking a few days leave but will still be dropping ds at nursery.... Just for the Shock

Original poster
Number3cometome · 29/09/2015 10:45

Only1scoop

hahaha!!!

OP posts:
CatEyeFlick · 29/09/2015 10:49

YANBU

I am self employed and needed to go back to work when baby was 4 months

but got a few comments

they can fuck off, no one says owt when dads go back to work do they

your baby will be just fine Flowers

Flowerpower41 · 29/09/2015 10:56

Sorry to say it but once we become parents it is as if the whole world suddenly has carte blanche to endlessly descend with unsolicited advice and opinions most of which are uncalled for and certainly not needed!

Good luck settling back at work.

Grazia1984 · 29/09/2015 10:58

Congratulations. 30 years ago I was 22 and went back full time when my first baby was 2 weeks old. I think the firm expected I would not return at all. I remember that a partner said on my return he did not think women should work with babies and his wife stayed at home. (More fool them - they are probably divorced by now and his wife in poverty with no income).

There was another male employee same age/stage as I was whose wife had their first baby too. I did not see any reason he and I should be treated any differently.

My lovely little baby is now expecting her baby and we are still talking about these issues. I have a tape of me on Women's hour from about 25 years ago talking about women and work. It is taking a very long time to achieve equality for women.

Anyway you can make a case that is it much better for babies if you go back to work early. Babies adore routines and knowing what will happen when. If they have got used to mother at home 24/7 it is a huge psychological wrench for that suddenly to change with a late return to work. It is a very caring loving thing to do to support a child financially and care for it when you aren't at work.

Also it is not true that no one wants to leave their baby to work - many women do and most men do. There is nothing wrong with that. Humans work for all kinds of reasons not just money and it is not morally wrong or worse if a mother or father works.

Deathtomoonsand · 29/09/2015 11:00

Has somebody actually said something, though? It's not clear from your OP.

The chances are that if they look shocked but don't go on to actually say something then they are doing exactly what you ask, thinking before they speak.

Deathtomoonsand · 29/09/2015 11:01

Sorry, ignore my post. Clearly I didn't read the whole thing properly.

Original poster
Number3cometome · 29/09/2015 11:03

I do actually really enjoy my job and of course I enjoy the money.

I spent a while being a single parent with my older two children and for me personally I like the fact that I am financially independent.

So I guess if I am honest, it's not just because I 'had' to go back to work.
Part of me wanted to as well.

I also am enjoying being able to have the time to go to the gym at lunch, which I couldn't do if I was at home.

I'm a bad person aren't I!

I do miss him though - I am expressing twice a day at work so he has my milk during the day (also has a top up of formula)
That's probably a bit irrelevant but it kind of eases my mind a bit of that makes sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
Number3cometome · 29/09/2015 11:05

Deathtomoonsand

That's ok.

Yes they have, in fact one male colleague complained to another one of my staff that I shouldn't have left baby at nursery and it's not the done thing in his culture. I do get that and I understand he would not have been happy for his wife to do that (they have two children) but he didn't need to publicly make that point.

OP posts:
Upinthestars · 29/09/2015 11:06

Good luck back at work!

I went back when my ds was a bit older but my (female) boss made constant comments about how the nursery could be abusing my baby Hmm as I remarked that the baby room leader had been very terse with me and few other mums and didn't seem to like small babies. She even talked about how I should get a spy camera in there... (The nursery was Outstanding rated and I never really had any problems with it ... except when she started putting doubts in my head). She didn't have children and, I think, was jealous.

I definitely agree with Flowerpower that once you have children people feel able to judge you more vocally. It sucks!

caravanista13 · 29/09/2015 11:07

Grazia - better for babies?! It might selfishly be better for mothers but it certainly isn't better for babies.

lotrben17 · 29/09/2015 11:11

totally agree with grazia, it's easier to leave a baby than a toddler. I understand the guilt too as DH could easily support us & I'm not a super-duper high earner but it's not what I want. Mary W and all that. In the US a lot of babies go to nursery FT at 6 weeks or 3 months. If you're happy with your choices, & other people are happy with theirs, just ignore everyone else.

OnlyLovers · 29/09/2015 11:13

YANBU. Tell them to keep their opinions to themselves.

caravanista, is that true? Can you back up that statement? Are you happy with yourself for using the word selfish?

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