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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think people should THINK before they SPEAK?

53 replies

Number3cometome · 29/09/2015 10:31

DS2 is 11 weeks old.

I went back to work last week, working full time.
DS is in nursery.

I work for a foreign company and many of the staff have looked at me with shock and horror that 1) I am back at work already 2) that my child is in nursery.

I understand that it's horses for courses, but I wish people would think before they open their mouths and declare how they "couldn't leave a poor little baby at nursery" or "couldn't trust nursery with a baby that small"

It's upsetting, especially when no one actually wants to leave their baby to work, we just have bills to pay.

AIBU to think people should think about others feelings, before they speak??

OP posts:

softhedgehog · 29/09/2015 11:13

Agree, and FWIW I think they actually need you more when they are in primary school and preschool than when they are tiny. I wish I'd worked more when they were little and saved to have more time with them now.

nutmegandginger · 29/09/2015 11:19

There's nothing wrong with wanting to go back to work in my opinion and with wanting your own time and independence. I hate the culture that mums should be martyrs and feel guilty for wanting anything for themselves. I certainly don't think you are a bad person for feeling that way, and I don't think you would be a 'better' mum or a 'better' person if you hated being back at work but had no choice. You have decided what's best for your family (which includes yourself), and random colleagues who don't know you well should keep their mouths shut.

There are lots of cultural assumptions around this too. My mum had to go back to work when I was 12 weeks old, because this was what was expected in the country we lived in at the time, and noone thought it was in the slightest bit odd. (Nor, I might add, was I psychologically damaged by being looked after by other people, and I have always had a great relationship with my mum). In the UK (at least nowadays) it's more common to take longer off, and so it seems more 'odd' to people if someone goes back much sooner. So if your colleagues have a certain set of expectations, their reaction may be about what they perceive as 'normal' rather than anything you're doing.

The trouble is that you can't win whatever you do, and some people will judge you. My advice would be to be breezy but firm about it and try not to let it get to you. There's no right answer to when or if to go back to work, and whatever choice you make involves some kind of compromise.

Also bear in mind that some people who don't have children (or maybe aren't used to UK terminology since you mention it's a foreign company) don't actually realise what a nursery is and so they may be a bit confused. My DD just started nursery aged 10 months, and a couple of childless colleagues said things like 'oh, I didn't realise they took them that young' - obviously thinking nursery was the same as a pre-school and that they were going to be sitting in classes learning phonics or something.

noeffingidea · 29/09/2015 11:20

People should keep their mouths shut, but they don't . They have the right to express their opinion, and you have the right to ignore it.
Personally I wouldn't answer them, I'd just ignore them, as if they hadn't spoken. That tends to piss people off more, because it shows them how unimportant they are.

LittleRedSparke · 29/09/2015 11:26

he should fuck off to the far side "one male colleague complained to another one of my staff that I shouldn't have left baby at nursery"

i'd be complaining to HR!

Backforthis · 29/09/2015 11:26

My DH works for a US Company and their staff are shocked by the maternity leave and benefits given to those working in the London office. People get very used to things being done in a particular way.

Congratulations

LadyDeirdreWaggon · 29/09/2015 11:29

DS went to his cm part time at 19weeks and full time a month later so not much older than your baby. He has thrived! He is a happy, confident little toddler now who has such a lovely bond with his cm. He has never shown any sign of separation anxiety.

His father was away with work for seven months during his first year and saw him once during that time. Not once did anyone suggest he was a bad father or that their bond would suffer from him being away

middlings · 29/09/2015 11:31

342 years ago (exaggeration for effect), my DM went back to work, full-time, when I was 7 weeks old. They didn't have maternity leave. I survived!

Congratulations and enjoy the gym!

RandomSocks · 29/09/2015 11:35

YANBU. No-one would say this to a man that is returning to work after becoming a father,whether it is for the first or third time.

YANBU for wanting to work, nor for taking financial responsibility for your family.

Good luck with the balancing that all of us with both a career and a family have to do.

LaContessaDiPlump · 29/09/2015 11:38

My mother worked overseas when DSis was born and had to return to work when DSIs was 6 weeks as the substitute teacher hired to replace her didn't work out. Dsis and she were always v.close.

That man in your workplace should learn to STFU!

KitZacJak · 29/09/2015 11:41

YANBU - congratulations on your baby. I think it is completely up to you when you go back to work. No one is asking your partner why he is not looking after the baby I take it?

However, I am in awe of you being able to get up for work in time, expressing at work and generally managing to function. I was still a complete mess when mine were 11 weeks!!!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 29/09/2015 12:02

YANBU.

YABU to say no one wants to go back to work - I did! And told people so. Not their business but if they did the face at me being back and swiftly told them I am still a person in my own right not just a mum.

Theycallmemellowjello · 29/09/2015 12:24

Yes, I don't know what country you're in but if in the UK then continual comments like this are grounds for complaint to HR. Not ok.

WhatstheT · 29/09/2015 12:29

I think you posted in the thread yesterday with the goady scottish lady, and I said it there and I'll say it again.

You do what is best for your family, leave others to do what they do. Just reply to them "glad we can judge each other's personal lives so openly, how's your relationship/illness/family troubles going? , oh it's none of my business?"

I went back when my DD was 8 months old and I still get those comments. That's the thing about becoming a parent, everybody thinks they are raising your child. Nosey sods.

WhatstheT · 29/09/2015 12:31

"better for babies?! It might selfishly be better for mothers but it certainly isn't better for babies"

No idea about an 11 week old but my 8month old transformed in a matter of weeks of going to nursery 5 days a week, I was so happy for her, I was the one missing out, was nothing selfish on my part.

paulapompom · 29/09/2015 12:37

OP you are leaving your child at nursery not abandoning a baby to be raised by wolves! If other people wouldn't live their lives that way then that's fine, let them do that. You have a job you enjoy and have a little time for yourself, hopefully these things will contribute to yo being happy and healthy and a happier parent. And as for that 'in my culture ' comment, that is not your culture so is irrelevant to you. I worked in a nursery years ago, it was a good nursery and the babies and toddlers received excellent care.

WhatstheT · 29/09/2015 12:41

There is a baby in my daughters group only a few months old. She is so cared for and well involved, and don't know the circumstances for her being there but she is looked after well and a lovely little baby :)

Binkybix · 29/09/2015 12:47

Hats off to you for being ready! I was a state at that point.

It wouldn't have been for me, but I totally get why it is for some people, and I'm sure your baby will be fine :)

And:

Yes they have, in fact one male colleague complained to another one of my staff that I shouldn't have left baby at nursery and it's not the done thing in his culture

What the actual fuck? I'd be reporting his ass. He can fuck off to fucksville then fuck off some more!!

longdiling · 29/09/2015 12:49

If it makes you feel any better at all, I've been subject to just as many arseholey opinions as a SAHM. The standard bollox you seem to get as a working mum is 'I couldn't leave my baby' and the standard bollox for a SAHM is 'I'd be soooo bored, I need to use my brain' which is also very insulting really as it implies those of us who SAH are just thick.

Mothers are fair game for a range of stupid, tactless, judgemental comments whatever they do. As long as you and your family are happy with the choices you make just roll your eyes and ignore.

experiencedhider · 29/09/2015 12:56

YANBU. I had quite a few "oooh-that's a long day for him" comments when baby DS started nursery. I'd point out that playing and sleeping aren't exactly strenuous, but would still get the poor little mite type responses. However confident you are in your choices, dealing with constant undermining by other people can be exhausting.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 29/09/2015 13:01

I think its almost a forgone conclusion that people will react to a baby being in Nursery when so young. there is nothing wrong with it per se, but its not the societal "norm" and people will have strong opinions.

so just don your suit of armour- and note their names in your little black book for when its the next round of redundancies

trilbydoll · 29/09/2015 13:02

I did some KIT days when dd1 was 4m and found it so much hassle expressing - I think my initial reaction would be ugh, I would not want to be doing that. Other than that fairly trivial point I would be super impressed that you're dressed every day and can get yourself to work on time, especially with 3dc!

Onthepigsback · 29/09/2015 13:31

I went back when ds was 12 weeks, dd was 6 weeks and this one due in Dec, I'm thinking of going back at 4 weeks. I've a good set up though. An amazing nanny and I work from home so have lunch with them and pop down for a hug if anyone sounds upset or I'm missing them. I can tell you though they would all be totally fine if I was gone from 8-6 too. I'm confident of that. Once you have good childcare in place children thrive as long as the they feel safe secure and loved.

Original poster

Number3cometome · 29/09/2015 13:38

WhatstheT yes that was me who posted yesterday!

Thank you all for the support.
I spoke to my boss about the comment and he said I am well within my rights to make a complaint. I may well do so depending on if I get any other comments. This guy in particular is know for his brash comments.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow yes fair point, I do enjoy my job so actually am happy to be back

longdiling absolutely!! I think both working mums and SAHM have their own reasons for doing what they need to do, and it is no one elses business! What works for you is what is best for your family.

OP posts:

MoonriseKingdom · 29/09/2015 13:42

If it's any consolation to you I went back at 7 months, part time with my DH and DM doing child care and I still got comments/ shock that I hadn't taken a year off.

I went back because we couldn't afford more financially but to be honest I really needed to go back for my own mental health.

I guess something becomes the norm and anyone who behaves differently causes surprise. But yes YANBU to suggest people should engage brain before opening mouth.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 29/09/2015 14:03

We all know a mother's place is in the wrong

I do hope this thread doesn't turn into women criticising other women for their choices.

I went back when my first was six weeks old, didn't breastfeed and DH gave up work to be a SAHD so we are more than used to being judged.

Fuck it, I say.

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