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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dh, sickness and childcare

65 replies

lemoncordial · 01/09/2015 12:20

Aibu?

Dh is sick today. He's got a vomiting bug. He's obviously not gone into work. He's been vomiting since last night but hasn't vomited since about 9am and can now keep water down.

He usually picks up 12 month old dd from nursery and I get home in time for bedtime. We had prearranged that I would stay at work late tonight as I have the mother of all deadlines. So he was going to give her formula at bedtime (she's usually breast fed at bedtime). He wants me to abandon my plans to stay late and get home to time to pick dd up and do the childcare and bedtime as he feels he can't manage. This would mean that I would have to go into work tomorrow to meet my deadlines but I'd booked the day off as annual leave. I can't work from home. I need my day off to do some studying for a course I'm doing.

I think my dh should pull it together and look after dd this evening considering he's no longer vomiting. If he was still vomiting then that would be different. He's got 6 hours to rest before he needs to pick her up from my nursery. I know he's feeling crap but I think he can manage.
Aibu?

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 01/09/2015 12:23

Yanbu, will he fall apart doing one feed and bedtime? He is being very unsupportive. Yes he's sick but he can cope for a few hours. It not like you're out at a party.

ArmfulOfRoses · 01/09/2015 12:26

If he usually pulls his weight with dd then I'd be inclined to believe him when he says he's not up to it.
Plus him spending the afternoon and evening looking after her, rather than out of the way in bed, means she is pretty much guaranteed to get it.

Supermanspants · 01/09/2015 12:27

YABU but can understand your worry over your deadline.
He may well have not thrown up since 9am but he is more than likely feeling grim.
IME best laid plans always need a degree of flexibility where childcare is concerned.
I would also think that having to look after a very young baby while dealing with a vomiting bug is a bit Hmm I would be keeping him as far away from her as possible.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 01/09/2015 12:28

Ask him how he is feeling in 4 hours...
He might have perked up by then.

Or he might have to have dd tomorrow instead while you do the things that need doing.

Surely it isn't that hard to look after a sleeping dd?

MuddlingMackem · 01/09/2015 12:33

YANBU.

The main gripe from mums who are primary carers is that you can't call in sick from looking after your own children. Today's he's primary carer. Them's the breaks.

Smutlins · 01/09/2015 12:34

I think if he's feeling grim and says he can't manage then you're going to have to rearrange your plans, it's unfortunate but it's the nature of life with small children.

If I had a vomiting bug and get like I couldn't cope I'd expect DH to step up and take over while I got better. Even if he hasn't vomited since 9am he'll still be contagious, he could infect people on his way to/from nursery and at the nursery itself, he will also more than likely infect your DD.

LieselVonTwat · 01/09/2015 12:36

Nightmare. I think it's going to depend on how rough he is, tbh. Agree with previous posters that it isn't a decision needing to be made right now. Presumably you have no other family or friends who could step in? Emergency childcare?

IsItMeOr · 01/09/2015 12:39

I feel awful for 24 hours after any vomiting bug, so I would expect DH to step up in the circumstances you describe.

Could you do your studying today while looking after DD, and then go into work tomorrow instead?

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 01/09/2015 12:42

Would he do the same for you if the situation was reversed?

NewLife4Me · 01/09/2015 12:44

It isn't childcare she is your child.
He shouldn't be looking after the child as she might catch it.
You need to find alternative cover and put your family first.
I would say this if reversed too.

amicissimma · 01/09/2015 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheddarGorgeous · 01/09/2015 12:54

I'm in bed right now with d&v, no way would I feel safe to drive or bring my germs to nursery.

YABU.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/09/2015 12:56

He probably does feel rubbish but he is in the position where he has to be the primary carer, them the breaks. I'm not without sympathy at all but we've all been there and now it's his turn. Hope he feels better soon.

Original poster
lemoncordial · 01/09/2015 12:57

To clarify cheddar he wouldn't be driving. Nursery is a 5 minute walk away.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/09/2015 12:59

OP, don't you believe him when he says that he doesn't think he can cope, or do you think that he should at least try?

Hoppinggreen · 01/09/2015 13:00

As long as he is no longer actively up chucking I would say he needs to just get on with it.
As a sahm I coped with my DC while poorly, as am sure most have.

HoggleHoggle · 01/09/2015 13:00

I think that seeing as he's been solo all day and hasn't thrown up anymore - and you have a deadline - he can probably cope with an hour or two with your dd this evening.

That being said I do think that if he genuinely feels unwell even though he's not being vomiting then the decent thing to do would be to help him out and come home early. I'd believe that if the roles were reversed too.

Really it depends whether you think he's being a bit dramatic about whether he's actually able to look after your dd...

JanetBlyton · 01/09/2015 13:00

He'll just have to do it. If he can't force him to find emergency childcare to do it at his cost and his effort.

Osolea · 01/09/2015 13:05

YABU.

Presumably he knows about your deadline and everything and wouldn't tell you he couldn't cope of he was fine. I think if he is usually good and pulls his weight then you should take it seriously if he says he can't do it.

ThatDoesntMeanWhatYouThinkItMe · 01/09/2015 13:06

I sympathise with your DH. I had a vomiting bug last week and was responsible for picking up DD from nursery, which is also only 5 mins walk away.

I felt horrendous. There was no way I was strong enough to walk even the short distance there and back. In the end I drove, but I didn't feel safe doing it - I was so faint and weak.

Luckily DH managed to get home to do bath and bedtime otherwise I honestly don't think I would've coped.

If he normally pulls his weight then I think you should try and help him out if you can.

Honestly, if it's the same bug I had he will be feeling truly terrible.

DinosaursRoar · 01/09/2015 13:10

another SAHM who's managed D&V and small people as there's been no choice. Reassess at 4pm, if he's managed to keep down some water and possibly a bit of food by then, he should be feeling abit better.

The claim that the DD might catch it is valid, but then assuming he washes his hands well and has properly cleaned up after each sick incident, she's no more risk with just him in the house than him and her mother, it's not like the OP will be taking her DD elsewhere. She's more likely to have already caught it from him by being with him this morning than from him this evening.

Failing all that, is there anyone else, eg a grandparent who could step in to help?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/09/2015 13:12

I think you'll have to suck it up and go into work tomorrow if you can't log back in tonight and square it away. Can you take AL a different day for your course?

If you get in with DD and he's on the sofa eating crisps and watching Dave, you should LTB though.

howabout · 01/09/2015 13:12

YABU
I am a SAHM. I might feel differently if you could not rearrange your deadline work to tomorrow, but you can so I think you should and fit studying in around childcare. I don't want any more exposure to anyone else's d&v bug at my dc's nursery than necessary.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 01/09/2015 13:19

For me it depends. If you can finish the project tomorrow and study another time I would provided he is 'ill and in bed' ill, not 'ill but watching dvds ' ill

If that isn't possible - eg it is study for an exam at the weekend - he's just going to have to struggle on.

googoodolly · 01/09/2015 13:21

I hate the whole "I did it as a single parent" argument. Yes, it's unfortunate but you had no choice, and I'm sure if OP was away overnight somewhere, the DH would just have to cope. However, in this situation, OP's DH isn't a single parent and has a partner who can help him. I think when there's an alternative choice, he shouldn't be going to a nursery full of small children when he's still contagious with a vomiting bug.