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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Whip-round at a funeral

60 replies

MARTIN1 · 30/08/2015 15:50

I attended a funeral for a family friend on Friday. After the ceremony outside the crematorium. The off-spring of the deceased organised a whip-round from all the guests. I put in a fiver.

The money didn't go to the venue or to the deceased's partner but in to the beer fund for the collector for when he got to the wake. I've not been to a funeral in many years. is this what happens now?

OP posts:

ElementaryMyDear · 30/08/2015 15:51

The only time I've come across this, the collection was for a charity connected to the deceased person.

HedgehogAtHome · 30/08/2015 15:53

Good lord.

Sorry for the loss of your friend.

Charis1 · 30/08/2015 15:54

just for him, or for anyone who couldn't afford a beer?

Bunbaker · 30/08/2015 15:55

I have been to a couple of funerals in the last few months. There was a basket for donations at each, both to very worthwhile charities and I happily contributed.

Original poster

MARTIN1 · 30/08/2015 16:04

Charis Just for him.
I don't mind giving if it goes to the widow or to a good cause but to be contributing to someone getting drunk I think is wrong.

OP posts:

Gruntfuttock · 30/08/2015 16:05

The son of your friend collected money for him to have beer? That's outrageous

NellysKnickers · 30/08/2015 16:05

I've only seen it once, the deceased had 3 young children, the money was used for a holiday for them.

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2015 16:06

He was collecting money for his own beer? Did he actually say that? Wouldn't people have bought him a drink anyway?

PersonalClown · 30/08/2015 16:08

Really??
All money collected at my dad's funeral went to my Toad's SN school for outdoor equipment. School tried to refuse but DM said the only thing my dad loved more than his Harley was my Toad.

There will be a small plaque on the equipment for my dad.
It never crossed our minds to keep it.

Paintpot22 · 30/08/2015 16:09

I've seen it before and contributed.

It's the same as family not paying for a drink/to get drunk at a funeral (very common amongst us lower classes )

junebirthdaygirl · 30/08/2015 16:09

Regular here to have a box for donations to a charity the diseased was associated with or who research that illness or something. But for beer is unheard of.

Gingermakesmesick · 30/08/2015 16:09

The buffet at my dads funeral cost £300. The funeral itself cost £3000. I can quite see why someone on a low income might need some help paying that.

Bumbledumb · 30/08/2015 16:17

Indeed, if they were asking for contributions to help with the cost of the funeral, what they do with the money received is their business.

Devilishpyjamas · 30/08/2015 16:22

Did they say it was for their own personal beer fund?

My grandmother's funeral had a collection - money went to my son's special school - it was all family anyway.

ecuse · 30/08/2015 16:25

Nothing wrong with it per se. I dare say wakes are expensive and its surely not uncommon to want to habe a drink, raise a glass to the departed and reminisce about good times?

But I would have expected them to say what the whip round was for. Didn't they? Didn't you ask? Obvs it's another matter if they misled you.

ecuse · 30/08/2015 16:27

Ok sorry I didn't RTFT properly. I now see it was just for his drinks and am

CalmYourselfTubbs · 30/08/2015 16:28

i've heard it all now. fucking hell.

mellowheart · 30/08/2015 16:38

I've been to a funeral where we were all asked to contribute to the buffet. I remember thinking, "what if they don't raise enough to pay it"? Could have been embarrassing. I've never heard of a whip round for beer whilst still outside the crem though.

Topseyt · 30/08/2015 17:25

A whip round to pay for his own beer???!!! You are sure about that?

I'm not disbelieving you, so please don't read it that way, just amazed that anyone would do this. It does seem presumptuous and grabby.

I don't mind donating at funerals and will take money along, but as far as I am aware it has always been to charities chosen by the family of the deceased. No problem.

My personal experience of funerals has been that a simple buffet or some such thing has often been arranged by the family of the bereaved at a local pub or restaurant. Everyone goes along to join in and offer support, but everyone also realises that these things are expensive and nobody (that I have been aware of) has ever objected to having to pay for their own drinks.

Topseyt · 30/08/2015 17:28

Thinking about it, whenever I have donated money to the chosen causes at funerals it hasn't been via a whip round, I have handed my donation discreetly to the undertaker in an envelope. Perhaps that is just me though.

Crazyqueenofthecatladies · 30/08/2015 17:34

Sounds like the collector was making a 'hilarious' joke to me. I think you've got the wrong end of the stick about a memorial collection.

Snowfilledsky · 30/08/2015 17:38

Do you know for a fact he spent it on beer at the wake?

Onedirectionarestillloved · 30/08/2015 18:53

Seems very odd behaviour.

Usually a collection box is placed in the church or crematorium for the charity of choice.

I don't agree with paying for anyone to go drinking under any citprcumstances.

abbieanders · 30/08/2015 19:43

Why was he having a wake after a funeral? Were they bringing the body back home rather than doing a burial?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/08/2015 19:56

I can't speak for others, abbie - and I realise that traditionally, a wake often involved the deceased actually being there - but round here the funeral directors now use the same term for the buffet-and-chat-get-together after the committal's taken place

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