Whip-round at a funeral

[MARTIN1]

I attended a funeral for a family friend on Friday. After the ceremony outside the crematorium. The off-spring of the deceased organised a whip-round from all the guests. I put in a fiver.

The money didn't go to the venue or to the deceased's partner but in to the beer fund for the collector for when he got to the wake. I've not been to a funeral in many years. is this what happens now?

I wonder if you've got the wrong end of the stick or if someone has cracked a very poor 'joke'.

If not, that's appalling. Were you aware, when you contributed, that your donation was to be used for beer?

Organising a whip round outside the crem so you can get pissed is the funeral equivalent of a grabby poem demanding money in a wedding invite.

We have friends from Nigeria. The husbands father was a cheif of some kind and they threw a huge funeral for him. It took place 3 months after his death so that there was time to make the arrangements and tens of thousands of people came who all had to be fed
My friend's church held a 'wake' in support of the family and there was a collection held to help pay for the funeral.

If it's a collection that goes towards the cost of the wake, as in it's going behind the bar or towards a buffet or just to help cover the cost of a part of the funeral, then absolutely nothing wrong with that - funerals can be expensive. A wake, though not an essential like a coffin, is often expected and I'd happily contribute to something like this. If he's just skint and can't afford a beer himself then that's bloody crass and surely a quiet word to a family member/friend for a small loan for the day would have been better.

OP are you sure they weren't collecting for the wake rather than for their own personal fund? Is that what they directly disclosed as the reason for the collection or is that an assumption? Not doubting what you're saying at all but it does seem like an extraordinary thing to do at a funeral!

The buffet at the wake was paid for by the widow. I saw the son asking people for money, I duly obliged presuming it was for charity or to go to the widow. Once I had put my money in I asked what the good cause was and he said to me (The son is closer to me than most of his family) that it was to get him some beers at the pub, When I was at the pub I saw him using money from the collection envelope and carried on for the rest of the drinking from that, he wasn't joking. He had a collection at his Father's funeral for his own beer money.

Wow. OP that's just unbelievably crass. Did anyone pull him up on this behaviour since the funeral?

Yuck, tacky. Does her mother know he did that?

Every funeral I've been to and arranged (sadly far too many) has a gathering afterwards and most people bring a plate. Everyone I know just considers it standard to provide some food so the family doesn't have to worry about having to spend too much time for catering. Generally some beer, wine and soft drink are provided, but people will usually bring along drinks as well. Would people really go to a wake and expect a big catering job and alcohol provided by a bereaved family?

"Would people really go to a wake and expect a big catering job and alcohol provided by a bereaved family?"

Not a big catering job no, but a light buffet like sandwiches or scones. I've been to three family wakes. Two were held in hotels/pubs where sandwiches/scones and tea and coffee were offered free, but people had to go and buy at the bar if they wanted an alcoholic drink. The other one was at home and family were able to contribute so that the daughter doing the hosting didn't have to bear all the costs. If the wake is in a public place, it's unlikely that people would bring their own food with them so I can understand that they might want to discreetly contribute towards the cost, but not giving money for one person to get drunk.

I guess it depends on the family, Midnite Most I've known hand the actual organisation of the wake to someone less impacted by the death, IYSWIM - although they've obviously been careful to follow the immediate family's wishes

This all reminds me of my OH's cousin, who had little to do with my FIL but still took a big tupperware box to his wake and filled it with stuff for his pack-ups. Apparently "they'd only be wasted as nobody eat much at these things"

Some people just have no shame at all

"Would people really go to a wake and expect a big catering job and alcohol provided by a bereaved family?"

As Gwen says, it doesn't have to be a big catering job, but a basic buffet. The last funeral I went to was back in January. A buffet of sandwiches and other canapes had been arranged and paid for by the bereaved family at a local hotel opposite the church where the funeral took place. Everyone who came purchased their own drinks. No problem.

At my FIL's funeral back in 2002 DH's family paid for a light buffet. As far as I remember, guests did buy their own drinks.

In May 2014 we held my MIL's funeral. We paid for a buffet for guests, and one drink each per person. MIL had requested that whatever remained in her savings account be withdrawn in cash and used to pay for it as her parting gift. So that was what we did. Other funeral costs were deducted from the estate when the house was sold.

By contrast, when my DH's grandmother died many many years ago, we all just decamped to the pub from the crematorium and everyone bought their own meal and drinks.

All those ways are acceptable, and in my experience all are normal.

MIL had requested that whatever remained in her savings account be withdrawn in cash and used to pay for it as her parting gift

What a absolutely lovely thing to do ... I wish I could have met your MIL