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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Picking up friends children

63 replies

SweetieXPie · 13/06/2015 09:36

I have two DC at school and a very active three year old.
My friend has just go a promotion at work which means she will not be arriving at school to pick up her DC (who are in the same classes as mine) for about 20-30 after the bell has gone.
She has been flippantly telling other mums that as we have kids in the same class I could just grab them then wait for her to come to the school to pick them up!!
Now in fairness I do sometimes have a chat and hang around for about 10 mins (but not always)
Tbh I don't want the responsibility, we have always helped each other out here and there but this will end up being for the next 3-4 years, every day!
I genuinely think she hasn't thought it through and thinks that as I am there anyway it will be no problem, but if I have to talk to one of my children's teachers after school or rush off as I have something on after school it is going to become a pain.

OP posts:
BreadmakerFan · 13/06/2015 09:40

You have to say no.

Some days I'm chatting for a few minutes after school but others we have to leave the minute DS comes out as I have appointments to make.

The way she's been so flippant would make me more determined to say no. She's working, getting paid, while you and others hang around for up to an hour - bad traffic or chatting to mates more like - until she gets there.

momtothree · 13/06/2015 09:40

Recommend the after school club or local pick up ... has she asked you? If not say ... oh congrats, iv hears excellent reviews about x y z after school!!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/06/2015 09:40

No it's too much to ask as a regular thing.

Rivercam · 13/06/2015 09:44

Her kids, her responsibility. Say no! It's unreasonable for her to ask you to hang around for half an hour ( which will be longer when she gets delayed At work) everyday. Don't be tempted to take her kids back your house either. She needs a childminder, or the kids will have to go to an after school club.

Be strong and don't get sucked in.

Chrysanthemum5 · 13/06/2015 09:47

There's a phrase i saw on a similar thread. This is not your circus, these are not your monkeys. In other words this isn't your problem so don't suggest after school clubs etc because it's nothing to do with you. If you get involved at all you will end up looking after these children every day.

AlternativeTentacles · 13/06/2015 09:48

My response would be 'Could I now?' and promptly be very busy after school for the forseeable future.

momtothree · 13/06/2015 09:51

I meant pre- empt .,, so she dosent get in first with asking, by saying i know a great childminder etc you make in clear without having to say no. Saves the friendship a bit.

Original poster
SweetieXPie · 13/06/2015 09:52

Thank you everyone.
One part of me thinks I am being unreasonable as I am there anyway but tbh I really don't want to double the amount of kids I am having to look after everyday!!
I wouldn't mind helping out here and there as she has grabbed mine a few times if I was running late/ had a sick child etc but this seems like full on childcare for the foreseeable future Hmm

OP posts:
ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 13/06/2015 09:53

YANBU. Just say no. She clearly hasn't thought it through, and it's much too big an ask. Half an hour is a long time to hang around with an active three year old. And where does she expect you to go if the weather is bad? Will she pay for you to go to a cafe? What if your DC - or you - are ill? What if you're heading off on a play date or want to sign your DC up for some after school activity which means legging it from school? Etc. Terrible idea.

superram · 13/06/2015 10:03

You can 'mind' other people's children for up to 3 hours a day without registering as a childminder. Round here it would be £6 an hour. Might be worth it if you can't say no.

I would start to be busy now so she can see you going off.

The5DayChicken · 13/06/2015 10:24

It doesn't even sound like she's asked you, more that she's taken it as a given. I wouldn't be best impressed.

If you don't want the awkward conversation, maybe before she starts this new job you should have a series of places to run off to as soon as you pick your DCs up. Might get her thinking?

If all else fails, you need to explain to her that she's being quite presumptuous to be telling people you'll be providing childcare without so much as a conversation with you beforehand.

SurlyCue · 13/06/2015 10:36

Ignore it. She hasnt asked you anything, you are not currently involved. Dont involve yourself.

If/when she does ask you then you look at her shocked and laugh with incredulity as if expecting her to say "just kidding, of course i would ask that of you" and then wait for her to realise how very wrong she was to assume. You could even throw in a "oh! Oh you werent kidding! Oh could you imagine how much of a nightmare that would be for me looking after 5 kids in the school playground everyday! No way, i want to grab mine and get outta here" all breezy like.

Fatmomma99 · 13/06/2015 10:55

YNBU in any way at all, and her flippant comments would infuriate me too.

You have to say no. If the children get on well, you could possibly offer to have them back once a week or so, depending on your other commitments/how well the kids get on. That would be nicer for you all than standing round in the wind and rain on the playground waiting for her.

She's going to have to use after school care, and it's going to cost her. The consequences of working.

redskybynight · 13/06/2015 11:08

If it was a question of she might be 5 minutes after school finished, or very occasionally late, it's not an unreasonable request.

But 20-30 minutes after school finishes (does your school even stay open that late, DC's doesn't) puts her firmly into the needing proper regular childcare category. Are you sure it is actually more than a flippant comment - sort of thing I can imagine saying in a joky way!

IDontDoIroning · 13/06/2015 11:09

has she actually spoken to you op?
If she hadn't I would be very cross. She just assumes you have nothing better than to look after all those children to convenience her and she hasn't got the manners to speak to you first. I would be saying just on the basis of that.
I bet it won't be 20 to 30 minutes either it will be nearer 45 to an hour.
What if you have an appointment DC are ill or have a party and you can't just hang round for her.
One off emergencies is one thing but every day for 6 week stretches.
If you did want to I would tell her you would want paying as its under 2 hours so you don't need to register.
You have 2 choices tell her now what other people have said and make it clear you aren't going to do that, or wait for her to ask and then say no. The first option does give her chance to find child minder after school club etc while the second doesn't and puts you at risk of being pressurised into it "until she finds childcare".

IDontDoIroning · 13/06/2015 11:10

I would be saying no just on the basis of that

Wittynewnameifonly · 13/06/2015 11:11

You can 'mind' other people's children for up to 3 hours a day without registering as a childminder.

Where is that from?, I've never heard it before but would be interesting to know if it is true.

applejacksauntie · 13/06/2015 11:13

She is being very cheeky. Picking up the kids will just be the tip of the iceberg. Before long you will be running them to after school activities after giving them their tea! Say no!

tiggytape · 13/06/2015 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SweetieXPie · 13/06/2015 11:33

Thanks again guys for all the comments, I can see I am not being unreasonable.
She will basically finish work 10 mins after the bell goes (she isn't far from the school) but our school (like others I imagine) you have to be there 20 mins before the end of school to get a decent enough parking space, so by the time she gets there, drives round finding somewhere to park then walk to the school it will end up being 30 mins later.
I wouldn't mind every now and then, tbh I don't even want to sign myself up for one day a week as I always doing different things in the week, I also work from home and sometimes have had a stressful week and need to get home quickly, get the kids fed and homework done so I can start returning emails, make payments etc.
I feel so infuriated that this has just been assumed that I would do this!

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 13/06/2015 11:36

Are you sure she isn't just joking? I would probably laugh and say ' yeah.... right'

If she really means it she is a cheeky cow.

ImperialBlether · 13/06/2015 11:46

Well if these messages are coming to you from others, can't you just say to them, "No, I won't be able to do that" and hope the message gets passed on to her?

How old are her children? Are they old enough to walk towards her workplace?

clam · 13/06/2015 11:51

No, no, no, no and NO again.

Not on, and she has an absolute cheek if she is expecting you to do this. Do you know for sure that she is expecting it? Why don't you casually ask her what she's planning for childcare? And if she casually says, "oh, it'll all work out, some days you could grab them, some days someone else will (sub-text: it'll be you every day) that is your chance to say, "I'm sorry but I couldn't possibly commit to that on any sort of regular basis. You'll have to fix up something more dependable."

And, not that this should make any difference to your intent to say no, but by the time she arrives, some of the parking spaces would have been freed up by you people leaving.

expatinscotland · 13/06/2015 11:52

No. Get it through to her however possible that you are not available for regular pick ups. NO 'sorry' or suggestions of alternatives, this is her problem.

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