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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Picking up friends children

63 replies

SweetieXPie · 13/06/2015 09:36

I have two DC at school and a very active three year old.
My friend has just go a promotion at work which means she will not be arriving at school to pick up her DC (who are in the same classes as mine) for about 20-30 after the bell has gone.
She has been flippantly telling other mums that as we have kids in the same class I could just grab them then wait for her to come to the school to pick them up!!
Now in fairness I do sometimes have a chat and hang around for about 10 mins (but not always)
Tbh I don't want the responsibility, we have always helped each other out here and there but this will end up being for the next 3-4 years, every day!
I genuinely think she hasn't thought it through and thinks that as I am there anyway it will be no problem, but if I have to talk to one of my children's teachers after school or rush off as I have something on after school it is going to become a pain.

OP posts:
clam · 13/06/2015 11:55

And I would be furious and not a little offended that she clearly thinks your time is of so little value that you should be happy to hang around for up to half an hour each day to suit her more important schedule.

50shadesofmeh · 13/06/2015 11:58

i don't know, is she a good friend? , id this for my best friend as id be worried about her struggling to work and being stressed, but anyone else or an acquaintance id find it too much of a burden.

expatinscotland · 13/06/2015 12:00

It's a great way to wreck a friendship because the OP doesn't want to do it.

Earthbound · 13/06/2015 12:04

You don't have to be Ofsted registered to look after children for less than 3 hours a day (I think?) Someone posted a link up thread. If she was proposing to pay me then I might consider it. But is she suggesting that? No. It sounds like she just wants a daily 'favour'. Far, far too much to ask. Just say no. Not your problem.

Lindy2 · 13/06/2015 12:04

I'm a childminder and looking after other people's children is a big commitment. That is why I charge fees for it. Ad hoc occasionally if convenient might be okay but every day will have some of the following issues.

  • you need to dash off somewhere straight after school
  • you need to speak to a teacher after school and don't want loads of kids with you
  • it's freezing or raining so you want to go straight home
  • you or your child is ill so you are not actually doing the normal school pick up.
  • your child is doing an after school activity or going to a friends house so you are not doing your usual pick up.
That's all before the question of what she intends to do in the holidays, when she gets stuck in traffic, when her kids are ill etc.
2cats2many · 13/06/2015 12:05

Just say no. I've done this before with a friend and its been fine. Hasn't affected our friendship at all. I said that I'd be happy to be contacted in emergencies and collect if I could (like I would for lots of parents in my children's classes), but it wouldn't work out as a regular thing.

She needs to find a childminder. One assumes she can afford it if she's been given a promotion?

PHANTOMnamechanger · 13/06/2015 12:08

id be worried about her struggling to work and being stressed

No! thats her problem! the friend should not have accepted the promotion/longer hours without rememberig her kids are HER responsibility, and having a proper arrangement in place for hometime.

If you say yes OP, you will be more and more put upon by this woman, and as soon as there is a day you can't do, it will all be 'woe is me I have been badly let down'

let her pay for childcare like everyone else does! do not let her guilt you into doing this if you don't want to (and there are many reasons above why it could turn bad)

Lindy2 · 13/06/2015 12:11

Just to clarify it is 2 hours childcare allowed before the carer has to be properly registered, unless they are an immediate relation to the child. There was talk of it being raised to 3 hours but it hasn't yet.

WeAllHaveWings · 13/06/2015 12:12

If she is a friend I would give her the benefit of the doubt until she had actually asked! Even then I wouldn't judge her unless she had a problem with you saying no.

Just now you are getting your knickers in a twist about something other mums have said/maybe picked up wrong.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 13/06/2015 12:18

if the friend has had the opportuity to talk to other mums about this, she has had the opportuity to ask OP first. By discussing with the other mums first, in such a blase 'it'll be fine, OP will do it' way, she has deliberately made it harder for the OP to say no now, in case others judge her as selfish etc.

I think its actaully a very calculated move and people offering the benefit of the doubt are being a bit naive! (or perhaps you just know only genuinely nice people!)

Finola1step · 13/06/2015 12:21

You could try another technique. Nothing. Do nothing, say nothing, ask nothing. No response. She hasn't actually spoken to you. She may well be assuming that you will be happy to do this. Not your problem. By the time she does actually approach you about this, it will get harder and harder for her to arrange childcare. Oh well. Not your circus as someone said up thread.

PuppyMonkey · 13/06/2015 12:26

It could be the other mums getting the wrong end of the stick, or perhaps your friend had mentioned to them that she might ask you but as she hasn't yet maybe she's changed her mind?

Leave it until she approaches you and then say it's not possible as you have plans after school every day.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 13/06/2015 12:27

What would happen if one of her children had an accident in your care and really hurt themselves, are you insured for that kind of thing? It's way too much to ask of someone, so if she does ask, you would not be unreasonable, at all, to say no.

tictactoad · 13/06/2015 12:32

YANBU to be fuming but I wouldn't say anything until she approaches directly and finds 'no' is a complete sentence.

Original poster
SweetieXPie · 13/06/2015 12:40

I am 100% sure thy she thinks this will be happening as she has dropped hits previously but never outright asked so I just ignored it Confused
Clam I think I will just make an off the cuff comment like, "oh what are you going to do about childcare?"

OP posts:
echt · 13/06/2015 12:42

Clam I think I will just make an off the cuff comment like, "oh what are you going to do about childcare?

Don't. The whole hint dropping is so that your picking it up validates her need. Ignore.

fiftyandfat · 13/06/2015 12:43

The trouble is, some people begin to take things for granted.
I did a lift share with another mum some years ago and she gradually began to take advantage - for example if my DC were doing an after school activity and it was her day, she would just collect her own and I would have to go later for mine. All well and good you might say, but when the situation was reversed, she would expect me to hang around with my DC to wait for hers.
I was in a post baby fog/PND at the time, and it was only when looking back I realised how much she used me.
She never bothered with me after we moved on to secondary and the DC were travelling independently.

The point I am making is don't allow somebody to take advantage. Better to say no now, than to have an unpleasant situation develop.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 13/06/2015 12:43

be careful OP, she will take that enquiry as an offer!

Fromparistoberlin73 · 13/06/2015 12:44

No , no , no and NO

She had a fucking
Nerve - if she wants childcare she should pay for it

Yanbu

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/06/2015 12:46

I would make it clear to her that you have the impression that she thinks you're going to be her childcare.

You tell her that it isn't going to happen and is not negotiable.

Lariflete · 13/06/2015 12:48

I offered to do this for a friend (drop her DC at school as we pass it on the way to DD's school) and she said no as it was too big a commitment and she would feel bad about 'taking advantage'.
Your friend's being utterly unreasonable, especially given that she hasn't even asked you!

tictactoad · 13/06/2015 12:57

She's dropping hints to get you to bite. Agree that if you bring up the subject she will construe it as an offer.

Nice but dim is the way forward until she has to ask directly.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 13/06/2015 13:19

Arrange swimming lessons for your kids at 3.30.

Everyday.

Spog · 13/06/2015 13:22

YANBU.
absolutely no way would i be rail-roaded into this set-up.
you will be very tied.
ignore it for now, but if and when she asks you directly, say no.
and keep repeating 'no'.
the cheeky effing mare.

longlistofexlovers · 13/06/2015 13:28

I did this for a year but the mum paid me. Was completely on board with the extra cash!