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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DP to look after his dying dad

68 replies

weebump · 11/06/2015 23:12

So here's the scenario: DH's dad has just been given a couple of months to live. He lives in the UK, we're in another country. They've never been very close, but his dad doesn't have any other family, no other children, and lives alone. So, of course DP has travelled over to see his dad, and is feeling duty bound to stay and look after him. He's talking about staying for another month at least.
Now practically speaking it seems like a good idea. It's good of him to offer to stay, as DP's dad previously said he didn't want to end up in a home. But AIBU to think that this isn't fair on my DP? He's not been much of a dad to him in the past, and my partner really isn't cut out for 24 hour care of a dying man. Is it ok to say "No, don't be mad, let professionals look after him and come back home!" which is what I really want to say?

OP posts:
Wantsunshine · 11/06/2015 23:14

He may regret it if he doesn't and resent you for pushing him to go back to where you live.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/06/2015 23:14

Yabu. Just be nice.

VanitasVanitatum · 11/06/2015 23:15

YABU

coolaschmoola · 11/06/2015 23:15

YABU.

Pumpkinpositive · 11/06/2015 23:15

Is it ok to say "No, don't be mad, let professionals look after him and come back home!" which is what I really want to say?

No, that wouldn't be ok.

Do you have child care responsibilities that will be made difficult by his decision to stay there? Does your DP have a job where you are?

What happens if his father doesn't die within the couple of months but lingers for some times? Has your DP devised an exit strategy in the event of this happening?

LaLyra · 11/06/2015 23:16

I think it's ok to say that if your partner is telling you he doesn't want to stay, but if he wants to stay (and it's not going to cost you your home/him his job etc) then I'd leave the decision up to him entirely. Even if they've never been close he mght still want to look after him.

Pippioddstocking · 11/06/2015 23:16

Yabu

poppycat04 · 11/06/2015 23:16

Yabu

Iggi999 · 11/06/2015 23:16

How does this affect work? I think it sounds like the right thing to do, but not if he loses his job over it.

ginmakesitallok · 11/06/2015 23:17

Sorry, but yabu. Of course your dp should not feel obligated to provide care if he doesn't want to, but if he wants to then you should support him. Must be hard though.

QuiteLikely5 · 11/06/2015 23:17

Show some compassion op.

PurpleSwift · 11/06/2015 23:17

YABU

slicedfinger · 11/06/2015 23:18

I decided to stay with DM to look after her when we were told it would be a matter of weeks. It took 2 years. These things are not cut and dried. Honestly though, if he feels he wants to be there, he ought to be.

Fatmomma99 · 11/06/2015 23:18

it has to be your DH's choice, which you should accommodate,and suck it up if you don't like it.

There is a 'pecking order' with death: The dying person gets to prioritize their needs/wants. Next comes their partner, next comes their children and then comes the partners of these. Then comes everything else.

Having had a father get ill and die, this is how it is/should be. The die-ing person takes priority. How your DH chooses to respond to that is down to him, and you have to let him do what he feels is right.

Sorry for you all. x

MrsHenryMountbattenWindsor · 11/06/2015 23:19

He might not be up to it. Your FIL might not deserve it. But either way, this has to be your DP's choice. All you can, and should, do is to offer the support your DP needs. By all means ask him if this is what he really wants. Help him to work out for himself what is the best course of action. But other than that, this is one occasion where 'telling' your DP what to do would be a very bad idea.

Getthewonderwebout · 11/06/2015 23:19

If it's what he wants to do it, he should. It'll be the last thing he can ever do for his father. Sometimes the past is best left in the past.

msgrinch · 11/06/2015 23:19

yabu. seriously unreasonable.

coolaschmoola · 11/06/2015 23:19

If you had just said 'get professionals in' to do the care and dp stay over there then yanbu, but to say get professionals in and dp come home is incredibly selfish and unreasonable.

You think your dp should leave his father to die without friends or family around him? Wow that's cold.

What sort of example would that be setting your dc? Do you want them to think this is how You or dp should be treated when you or your dp are old, alone and dying?

VivaLeBeaver · 11/06/2015 23:19

Yabvu.

I looked after my dad at home when he was dying and it was something which gave me a lot of comfort. the fact that I knew I did everything I could. The fact that he was cared for.

I don't think anyone is cut out for 24hr care of a dying relative but people do it and are glad to. You do what needs doing.

But do tell him to contact SS or ask the hospital as they may provide overnight care/help. We had overnight carers for my dad which was a major help.

CookPassBabtrigde · 11/06/2015 23:20

Once his dad is gone, he's gone. And it will be too late.
I imagine he would regret leaving his dad in years to come a lot more than he would regret staying.
YABU.

Janethegirl · 11/06/2015 23:20

Sorry, but you are being exceedingly unreasonable, please have some compassion.

ReginaBlitz · 11/06/2015 23:20

Wow just wow

AnyoneForTennis · 11/06/2015 23:22

It's not up to you,you get no say

MiscellaneousAssortment · 11/06/2015 23:25

I wish people wouldn't belittle death and be so cold as to make it into just an inconvenience and interruption to meeting their own wants.

The dying are a big inconvenience, and that's how it should be. The fact that you don't value a mans life high enough for him to be 'allowed' to die with family there... That's a deeply judgemental and cruel thing to do.

I hope you realise that and feel comfortable with what that says about you, your husband and his father.

Canyouforgiveher · 11/06/2015 23:26

I disagree with the other yabus.

24 hour care of a dying parent isn't something to be undertaken lightly - especially not when the carer lives in another country.

My mother was much-loved and my sister is a nurse who lived in the same town and she still wouldn't have been able for 24 hour care of her when mum was dying. Sis had a life/work/children too.

Not sure where your dh and his father are but if possible, hospice should be involved now. If your fil can stay at home to die fine, if he needs to go into a hospice or similar, then that is fine too. If medical professionals are taking care of your fil then your dh could come home for a week, go back etc. I did this when both my parents were ill in another country.

tbh all the yabu responses are annoying me. Why does a father who was no great shakes as a parent get to demand not to be "put in a home" (which isn't actually being sent to borstal to die - lots of people end up in nursing homes because they get better care there). Why does his son have to leave his wife, his job, his life for anywhere upward of 2 months to tend to this man 24 hours a day? Without the wife even getting to say "hang on a sec is this the right thing?"

OP, I wouldn't say "don't be mad etc". I would say, "let's discuss this. how about you set up a meeting with the hospice team to start with". If at all possible I would go over there myself and see what support is available. your dh is reacting to his father dying - that is hard and emotional so it is possible he is making knee-jerk emotional decisions. Maybe in the end it will make more sense for him to take a leave of absence for 2 months and go back - but maybe it won't. you are definitely not being unreasonable to want to talk about it and discuss other options.

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