To not want DP to look after his dying dad

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So here's the scenario: DH's dad has just been given a couple of months to live. He lives in the UK, we're in another country. They've never been very close, but his dad doesn't have any other family, no other children, and lives alone. So, of course DP has travelled over to see his dad, and is feeling duty bound to stay and look after him. He's talking about staying for another month at least.
Now practically speaking it seems like a good idea. It's good of him to offer to stay, as DP's dad previously said he didn't want to end up in a home. But AIBU to think that this isn't fair on my DP? He's not been much of a dad to him in the past, and my partner really isn't cut out for 24 hour care of a dying man. Is it ok to say "No, don't be mad, let professionals look after him and come back home!" which is what I really want to say?

And OP, your title is misleading I think and probably contributing to the YABUs. You don't want your dh to not look after his dying dad. You want to explore other ways your dh can look after his dying dad. At least that is what I take from your actual post - not the title.

The decision must be one your DP is comfortable with.
It's NOT your decision, sorry!!
Actually I feel you're just not understanding his needs at all.......ok I may be misjudging it, but......??

Very difficult situation.

I spent a lot of time with my father before he died and I so cherish that time. We were probably closer then than we had ever been before. We had been told to think of his prognosis in terms of weeks rather than months and he lived for another year.

He had cancer and had several strokes. He would have hated residential care or care at home. My sister gave up her job, brought him to live with her and did a marvellous job caring for him. She really gave my dad as good a life as he could have had in the circumstances.

However, there was an immense cost to this. I think her young children suffered because my dad was a difficult man anyway, and dominated their home. He refused to go for respite - event for an afternoon. She was always tired and not available for the chidren. Her marriage suffered and she and her husband split a year after my dad died.

There is no easy answer. I think you have to look at how much support your FIL needs, how easy it is for your DH to meet that, and how much you are able to support him and your family through this time.

Thank you all for your quick replies. I know I'm being totally unreasonable, I just needed to vent here. I haven't told him what to do, and there is no practical reason why he can't stay with his dad for a month, so I'm being nothing but supportive. It's very hard on him though, maybe I just want to shield him from the pain

I don't think anyone is cut out for 24hr care of a dying relative but people do it and are glad to. You do what needs doing.

Totally agree. A friend's DF has a terminal illness; he's been in a bad way for some time, but is determined to die at home. Friend has been staying at his DF's every night for the last few weeks, and is finding it very tough - not just the demands on himself, which I don't think he was fully prepared for, but also the difficulty of pain management and the fact that his DF can do almost nothing unaided. But he carries on, because for him, it's the right thing to do.

OP, if your DP feels that this is something he needs to do, I think you have to let him, but support him and encourage him to seek help and support in the care of his DP.

You can't shield him. You can only tell him how much you love him, how proud you are of him and how you'll do whatever you can to support him. You can't make this a non painful process but you can make it a more loving one.

I'm sure you do wee, but maybe it's a pain he wants or needs to endure?

Perhaps just make sure he knows he doesn't have to do this if he doesn't really want to?

OP Only you and your OH know whats best. Has your OH been affected by his fathers behaviour towards him over the years? Maybe your OH is feeling stuck and cant walk away because he feels a sense of responsibility and duty. Its really hard. I think you need to talk to him and listen to him and see what he feels is best for him.

YABU

I agree with Canyouforgiveher,

It is massively difficult to care for someone who is dying. Does your husband have any practical experience as a carer? it is a skilled job.

Just because someone is receiving palliative care does not make them suddenly become a lovely person, if they had a difficult relationship before then this may well continue, but with resent added to the mix.

Cross-posted with you, OP, I can understand that you'll need to vent. It's great that you want to shield your DP from pain, but it seems that either way, there'll be pain. It's a difficult situation for you both.

Thank you all for your quick replies. I know I'm being totally unreasonable, I just needed to vent here. I haven't told him what to do, and there is no practical reason why he can't stay with his dad for a month, so I'm being nothing but supportive. It's very hard on him though, maybe I just want to shield him from the pain

It may not be a month though - so your dh does need to think about setting up supports for when he has to return home.

Also wanting to shield your dh from pain is ok. Taking care of any dying parent is incredibly hard. Taking care of one with whom you have a not great relationship is harder. And doing it when away from your partner/home is even harder.

I don't get the "it isn't your decision" comments. Of course it isn't OP's decision but surely as a partner/spouse she gets to have an opinion/advice on something that radically affects her partner and her own life (a month without my spouse would be hard for me - not insurmountable but I'd expect to be asked how I feel about it before he did it).

Olly what you described is exactly why I always supported my sister in saying my mother could not live with her when she needed full time nursing care. even then it took a toll on my sister and her children. Way less time available for them emotionally and in real time.

Luckily my mother was ok with residential care but there is a bit of me which thinks so what if she wasn't? Would it really be worth my sister's marriage or her children's teen years suffering?

We all have to suck things up at times. I appreciate this isn't a popular opinion but I am fully prepared to not live exactly how I want in my declining years if doing so would adversely affect my children and grandchildren. I've had a great time and lived independently etc. so what if I have to put up with a nursing home regime for a while? worse things happen.

I would hope my children would look out for me (my sister was fantastic - daily visits/chocs for the nurses every week/made the room look like home/visited and got to know other residents too -and I did the best I could too). but really maybe that would be the best place for me to be?

Even if your DP's Dad hasn't been a great Dad to him, it doesn't mean your DP should not set an example of what love is.

YANBU to be concerned for your DP and want to be sure he is making the right decision for himself and for you and DC. If staying with his father in another country would mean him losing his job and all the consequences for the rest of you if that happened, then it would be fair enough to want to persuade him to come home. And if his dad's always been a complete cock then it would be fair enough for your DP to ensure that a reasonable level of professional support is in place and come back home.
I'm generally not in favour of people being expected to take on full-time care of elderly relatives or the terminally ill. Professionals get time off, which is essential when you are doing something that demanding.

the definition of love isn't needlessly self-sacrificing yourself on the altar of someone else's wants. it took me a while to figure that out because I was actually taught - like many people - that was love means sacrifice and pain.

(I haven't ever read a better definition of love than 1 corinthians)

YABU

If he doesn't do this, he may well regret it and feel guilty later on.

When MIL was terminally ill last year, dh spent as much time as possible with her - and it was very stressful, because she lived in the south of England, and we live near Glasgow, so he was away from home a lot - though I know it is not the same as having him away for weeks on end - but I am glad we managed to do it.

He was there, in the room, when she passed on, and I know it has really helped him deal with the grief. He got a sense of closure that has helped a lot.

However, he and his brother got a lot of help from the hospice that was caring for MIL - when she said she wanted to die at home, they sorted out a 24/7 carer, and support package (second carer visiting to help with personal care, and to give the full time carer a break, and district nurse visits to sort out her medication and analgesia) - and I think that was very important. If you and your dh decide he is going to do this, he needs to push to get as much support and practical help as possible.

All that said, what matters is that you support him in making the decision that is best for him, both now and in the long term. If he wants to care for his dad, you need to give him your wholehearted support - and vent/de-stress here. If you want to talk to someone who has been in a similar position, I am here, and more than willing to offer a shoulder or listening ear.

If he doesn't really want to care for his dad (maybe he's saying he does out of guilt or loyalty), then he needs to know that it is OK for him to say no to caring, and that you will support that choice. It would be perfectly understandable if he didn't feel able to take on this Herculean task.

I am so sorry that he and you are going through this - I have walked this path, and it is a hard one. Look after him, and look after yourself.

Yabu.

YABU, but I think your dh will need professionals as well tbh.
There was nobody else for my Dad, you do it because it's your duty if this is how you feel about it.
I know it's hard for the family, I have no regrets in having done so. Dh and the children were hugely supportive and it stopped me worrying about them coping without me. It would have been much harder without their support.

Thanks SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius, Canyouforgiveher. Thanks everyone. I knew Mumsnet would help.

morethanpotatoprints, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your not being unreasonable at all. Your opinion matters not just to you but to your OH too. You both need to be able to agree on what happens. If he has had a crap relationship with his father and his father has been a crap Dad then your OH may feel resentful, angry, hurt and then feel guilty for feeling all those other things. Talk to him about how he feels.

YANBU to be worried about the emotional impact this experience will have on your husband, but YABU to want to make a decision that doesn't belong to you. I am not close to my father at all and he was a very shitty father if a father at all, but if he was dying I would still want to make his death as peaceful as possible, same thing for me my mom whom I am not extremely close to. I have seen many people of my family die from cancer and noticed that for people who are about to lose their lives nothing is more important than family and for them to build bridges before they pass.

Ask yourself what you would feel like if you or your DH were dying and your children's partners were telling them not to spend time with you, and put you in a home instead. Wouldn't you think they were being massively unreasonable ? Because I would. Be supportive of your DH no matter how unpractical it may be for you as losing a parent is never easy no matter how shitty that parent used to be.

Good luck and for your dear husband !

This is their last chance to bond, and very loving of your husband to put the past behind him in his dad's hour of need.

I won't say you ABU, because it sounds like you have rethought it. There is pain in life and death, it cannot be avoided. Hang in there, he will be home soon.

This is their last chance to bond, and very loving of your husband to put the past behind him in his dad's hour of need

Except of course during this "last chance to bond" the father might be and behave exactly as he always has through his son's life - not that interested/not that engaged - highly disappointing and hurtful to his son.

People don't change into better versions of themselves when they are dying (despite what hollywood would like you to think)

In reality people don't change much. If you were a disinterested, mediocre parent in life then in the 2 months before death you are unlikely to be radically different.

And I don't think the husband is being only loving here - I think he is scared, guilty and fearful. Maybe loving too but loving relationships don't usually present like OP said.

I'm with the OP. Why not question what else could be done?