To not want DP to look after his dying dad

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So here's the scenario: DH's dad has just been given a couple of months to live. He lives in the UK, we're in another country. They've never been very close, but his dad doesn't have any other family, no other children, and lives alone. So, of course DP has travelled over to see his dad, and is feeling duty bound to stay and look after him. He's talking about staying for another month at least.
Now practically speaking it seems like a good idea. It's good of him to offer to stay, as DP's dad previously said he didn't want to end up in a home. But AIBU to think that this isn't fair on my DP? He's not been much of a dad to him in the past, and my partner really isn't cut out for 24 hour care of a dying man. Is it ok to say "No, don't be mad, let professionals look after him and come back home!" which is what I really want to say?

That is just how I feel. My dad was not part of my life.

YABU. Not wanting your partner to spend two months taking care of his dying father - and thus getting a chance for the two of them to get to know each other a bit better - is cold and selfish.

I did exactly this with my mum for 3 months this year, and I had a terrible relationship with her and had no expectation of bonding whatever. However it was still the only thing I wanted to do, and I am lucky in that my partner was unbelievably understanding about it.

Everyone has their own story regarding their childhood. Her husband may have been emotionally abused and OP knows what he has gone through. She just wants to protect him from further pain at a time when he is most vulnerable.

Is it ok to say "No, don't be mad, let professionals look after him and come back home!" which is what I really want to say?

Please don't say this OP! I can't imagine the stress and upset your OH is going through right now. It would be incredibly unfair for you to try and convince him not to do this, even if his father hasn't been the best. They have this last chance to make things right between them

YABVVVVVVVU

Very much agree with CanYou, I cared for DM at the end (pancreatic cancer) and it put a terrible strain on our relationship, we had always been extremely close, I was distraught and exhausted she was angry and sad. DP may not manage without serious professional help, but his emotion has taken over YaNbu imo to put the brakes on his reaction

If this is what your dp wants, you need to support him. If this is not what he wants, you need to support him in that (God knows he'd need the support judging by all the self righteous knee jerk responses on this thread). He should try and access additional care even if he does stay, 24 hour end of life care is not something many people can manage entirely alone.

I hope your dp is ok, it must be awful for him.

YABU

YABU. Having lost my Mother a few weeks ago I would have been devastated if my DH had told me not to stay with her.

I'm sorry op but it reads as if the only person you are thinking of is you!

One day you could be in you FILs position. Imagine your child's spouse thinking like you are. YABU.

Yabu. Dying is a process, a little like childbirth. It is an absolute honour to be with someone in their last months, days. It is hard work physically and emotionally, but it is process that no one should go through alone. Professionals can help but he needs loved ones. Imagine giving birth with only professionals in attendance. Your dh has every right to be with his df whatever the past may be. People make mistakes and they very often can make amends in the last months. Don't take this away from them.

YABU and quite hard hearted.

My friend looked after his dad when he was dying. They'd had a really difficult relationship growing up. And this time really helped them to bond together. My friend says that he is always grateful for this time, it allowed him to get to know his dad and let go of any issues there was between them. YABU.

YABU to consider saying "No, don't be mad, let professionals look after him and come back home!"

YWNBU to say "I support your decision to stay with your Dad, but please don't be afraid to accept some professional help too, if it would benefit you and/or your Dad"

Professionals are perfectly able to care for dying people with kindness and competence. Refusing to abandon your own life to move in with your terminally ill parent doesn't mean you are condeming that parent to agony and loneliness and being found half-eaten by rats six months later.
If the dying person is unreasonable, horrible, a bully or a whiner (and if s/he was like this before the illness, s/he will probably be even more so) at least a professional is getting paid and can walk away.

And all the smug thickos going on about guilt and what a 'special' time it can be: just because it worked out well enough for you or some neighbour's friend's colleague or whatever, doesn't mean it will always be wonderful and redemptive and resolve all the issues. It might be absolutely awful for both parties.

The op's husband wants to stay though, so she should be supporting his decision. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't really want to do. And no I do not agree that professionals can give the same care as family. They are a very important component but nothing compared to having a loved one during the process. I say this as a health professional and a wife who has been through this.

You're not totally unreasonable, but perhaps there is a mix of selfishness amongs the worry for your partner. You say his dad hasn't been brilliant to him, and of course no one is obliged to look after a dying person, so I can understand trying to minimize the emotional pain as well as the very difficult task of being an unpaid carer (especially if that person hasn't exactly shown caring themselves). However, if it's what your partner truly wants, all you can do is support him as much as possible. Obviously though, not all 'it's a matter of weeks', turn out to be so. You need to discuss a long term plan, I don't think it's too selfish to think about your own relationship, the impact not only with the extra stress you're both under, but also the distance issue.