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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel my graduation was spoiled?

66 replies

Squirrel78 · 01/06/2015 14:45

Had my ou graduation the other day and invited dh, dd and my parents. Mum and dad did nothing but bitch and moan the whole day about having to wait around for the ceremony to start, having to walk a little way to get lunch etc etc. I tried my hardest to keep them happy but nothing seemed to work. They even ruined the meal in the evening by moaning constantly about the lack of choice on the a la carte menu and being rude to the waiting staff.

The ceremony itself was wonderful (I wasn't sat with them!) and dh and dd made it really special. I wish I could just focus on that but I can't help letting my parents' behaviour over shadow the day. I just feel so upset and angry. I worked so hard to get my degree and I only get one graduation day. Why couldn't they just behave for one day and try to make it special?

OP posts:

whitecandles · 01/06/2015 14:48

My parents were a little similar at my graduation. I think they feel a bit intimidated and out of place at academic type places so they cover it up with grumbling.

It's very annoying though.

MarbulousMarvin · 01/06/2015 14:50

Yanbu at all, I completely understand your disappointment-I have exactly the same with my parents. Doesn't matter what I do to try and help them enjoy themselves they are so negative and really bring down the enjoyment levels of the day. I'm due to get married next year and he negativity and pulling it down has already begun, lost count of the number of times I've had to bite my tongue already not really got any advice for you as I just try and focus on the people who care enough not to behave that way but it doesn't stop the feeling of hurt. Your not alone though. Well done for graduating

WanderingAboutRandomly · 01/06/2015 14:50

That's a shame. I suspect it wasnt that much of a surprise to you. My DDad came to mine but found it 'boring' which, to be fair, it was but he didn't need to go on and on and on about it.

Anyway I'm glad your DD and DH enjoyed it and CONGRATS on graduating

KurriKurri · 01/06/2015 14:53

Do they have form for this kind of thing? In your place I think I would have said something long before they had a chance to moan all day like 'come on don't moan about everything this is my special day'. (Although I realise its easy to say that after the event and you probably didn't want to cause awkwardness.)
They were mean and selfish, but try to put it out of your mind, think about the lovely ceremony and your DH and DD.
Your degree is a great achievement, congratulations

LindyHemming · 01/06/2015 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InstitutionCode · 01/06/2015 14:54

Mt Dad slept though mine TBF it was very boring but I only did the damn degree because he was so disappointed I didn't go to Uni at 18.

Original poster

Squirrel78 · 01/06/2015 14:55

Thank you both. You have my sympathy Marbulous - my mum was a nightmare when I was getting married. I ended up going to the docs with chest pains and it turned out to be stress. She didn't even behave on the day.

I suspect you're right white candles - they don't leave their village much at all so I suspect they do feel over whelmed by big events. They do sometimes behave as if they're in a big bubble and have no idea how to behave in the real world.

OP posts:

101handbags · 01/06/2015 14:55

Congratulations on your graduation but I feel your pain...my dad completely ruined my graduation. Much as I loved him he was a grumpy, antisocial man who hated going out. He stood on the sidelines the whole time with a face like thunder. All my friends commented, you couldn't help but notice. I was so embarrassed. I felt the same as you - couldn't he have made the effort for just one day? In the video he's just there, scowling away.

googoodolly · 01/06/2015 14:56

First, congratulations on graduating! I'm glad your DH and DD made your day special and I'm sorry your parents destroyed it with their complaining.

Mine were bored at mine too, and tbh, so was I. I'm glad I went but it is a dull day and not really much fun - there's lots of standing around, waiting for things, and if anything like mine, you're in a big hall, you can't see much from the audience, the photos are blurry and it's just a big palaver. BUT they didn't dare complain to me and they knew it was my special day and I'm glad for it. My dad never went to his own graduation and said when I was done that he'd made the right choice!

ProfessorPickles · 01/06/2015 15:00

What a shame that they spoilt your special day, how would they respond if you'd called them out on it with a lighthearted "don't be moaning on my big day" type comment?

WipsGlitter · 01/06/2015 15:02

YANBU but i agree they were probably overwhelmed. I remember taking my staff out for lunch to a posh hotel and one of them was very rude to the waiting staff but I think it was just because she felt intimidated.

I wouldn't say anything to them. I bet the went home and told everyone what a fab day they had!

Original poster

Squirrel78 · 01/06/2015 15:02

Euphemia - I know what you mean! I chose this particular restaurant because it was nicer than average but did a pub meal menu too. Unfortunately they didn't do the pub meal menu at weekends (I felt like begging them to please just do it!). The meals we did have were fantastic but they moaned like buggery because they wanted burger and chips! My mum didn't speak to me at all the following morning, she was still sulking. I ended up crying in my room

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirrel78 · 01/06/2015 15:06

God 101 handbags that's awful. It's so hard not to take it personally isn't it? I guess some people just aren't capable of certain things. I've vowed to never treat my dd like that ever.

OP posts:

Whiteshirt · 01/06/2015 15:06

Congratulations, OP. I'm sorry your day was spoiled by your parents' behaviour, which sounds thoughtless and tiresome. Yes, absolutely conferring days are lengthy and dull by any objective standards (I'm an academic, so sit through a lot of degree ceremonies in hot, slightly scratchy robes) but families usually bear with the dullness - and the VC trying to fundraise in a speech - cheerfully, because it represents an achievement by a family member, and there are canapes and a meal afterwards.

Talk to them about why they behaved like this.

Original poster

Squirrel78 · 01/06/2015 15:08

I do understand it's a long day but I have to say my three year old dd dealt with it far better!

OP posts:

PaleoRules · 01/06/2015 15:12

My mum ruined my graduation day cos she's so anti-social and didn't want to go out for a meal with my bf's parents (now my in-laws). It was 21 years ago but I still feel sad about it. Totally overshadowed what should have been a very special day.

Congrats on the OU though - anyone who can self study to that extent is a legend in my book!

whitecandles · 01/06/2015 15:12

Squirrel :( I'm sorry they left you feeling so bad.

I've learnt to let go of my parents' behaviour. It doesn't get to me too much these days. It's taken a lot of work to get to that point though.

Sorry to everyone here who has parents who act like this. (I'm surprised there's so many of us btw...always feel like I'm the only one. At my graduation meal, there were 6 of us who had become close plus our parents - everyone else's parents chatted away, mine sat without even attempting to speak.)

Theycallmemellowjello · 01/06/2015 15:24

All graduations are rubbish op! People travel far to get there then it's very dull and there's lots of waiting around. Plus some people feel out of place. I wouldn't worry about it tbh - your experience sounds v standard! You've got the degree ad that's the main thing - congrats!

chandelierswinger · 01/06/2015 15:36

My parents took themselves out of the country, purposely avoiding my Masters' graduation. I was so annoyed they didn't even think about being there, that they might not think that I would like them there or that they didn't even ask. Having read your post, I think I should perhaps be grateful that they saved me the angst of being there as there were some awfully awkward moments at my first graduation... Sorry to hear you had to bear it all though.

Huge congrats on your degree; enjoy your moment. As another poster said, that amount of effort, long distance, is quite something.

geekymommy · 01/06/2015 15:41

Yeah, somebody else's graduation is boring, but isn't that what games and Facebook apps on smart phones are for?

Complainers gonna complain. The nicer ones know how to act civil at the event itself and moan to their support network later, but some of them don't do this, no matter how special an event may be to someone else. If you expect any different, you'll just be disappointed.

MajorasMask · 01/06/2015 15:50

OP I totally sympathise. Whilst my mum was very excited and supportive and had a wonderful day, my dad actually decided to text 15 minutes before the ceremony saying he couldn't make it (he had been saying he was on his way). I had already gone to sit down in the hall since I was going to be late. I came out looking for him afterwards and DM and DP were a bit lost for words that he actually abandoned coming, they didn't want to tell me. I cried a lot when I got home and our relationship has never recovered.

I said if he came to the next one (in December!) I would be happy, but I've since found out I only get two tickets and I have to pay for them because the uni is fancier. I'd rather have DM and DP again than extend the invite and be disappointed all over again. My mum felt a bit intimidated by the academic dress but she loved asking what it all meant and what would happen next. My dad really missed out, and so do all the moaning parents who consider it a chore.

MagentaVitus · 01/06/2015 15:50

All graduations are rubbish op!

Mine were great!

Congrats on your graduation OP. It is a real achievement and I'm very sorry the day turned out so poorly. There's a lot to be said for not bothering bringing your parents when you've now got your own family.

What are your plans for your degree now?

RabbitsarenotHares · 01/06/2015 15:51

What is it about graduations????? My first - had no choice not to invite my narc sister, so had to invite her husband to keep her in check. She attempted two tantrums - one because the official photos weren't to her liking (she thought she should be in the middle) and the other over the fact she'd not chosen the restaurant! (She was in her 30s btw, and graduated twice, so not as though she'd not had her day!).

The second one I lied to my mother and told her I could only have one ticket, purely to keep my sister away. This backfired on me on the day of the graduation, for my mum said a very good friend had asked if she could come, and mum said no, explaining I was only allowed one ticket. If only my friend had asked me... Then, after the ceremony, my mother wouldn't go down to the dining hall by herself but insisted on waiting for the group photographs to be taken, with the result that we ended up squashed on the end of a table. Then she kept going on about how it wasn't a proper graduation (it was, it was just a small college so not as much pomp and ceremony as she was used to). She would say that to anyone who asked afterwards as well, so the pain was continued.

OP - many apologies. I think if I graduate again I am inviting nobody! Or not going!

BrendaBlackhead · 01/06/2015 15:59

Vibes of sympathy coming across the internet to you.

Why oh why do people have to make it all about them, instead of plastering a grin on their faces for a few hours? Socially awkward people from my experience (which is HUGE on this subject!) tend to create dramas, have tantrums, be stubborn and just about do anything to deflect attention from the elephant in the room - they don't know how to act. Like PaleoRules, my mother would have just died if I'd suggested a meal with bf's parents at my graduation. She'd have probably run away. It was pretty astonishing that she even went to the graduation. I think dsis was going to go up to the last minute.

BrendaBlackhead · 01/06/2015 16:01

The parents of a friend of mine refused to attend his graduation because his elder brother had graduated from Oxford, and they didn't want to sully the memory of that day by attending one at a (little bit lesser) institution...

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