Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel my graduation was spoiled?

66 replies

Squirrel78 · 01/06/2015 14:45

Had my ou graduation the other day and invited dh, dd and my parents. Mum and dad did nothing but bitch and moan the whole day about having to wait around for the ceremony to start, having to walk a little way to get lunch etc etc. I tried my hardest to keep them happy but nothing seemed to work. They even ruined the meal in the evening by moaning constantly about the lack of choice on the a la carte menu and being rude to the waiting staff.

The ceremony itself was wonderful (I wasn't sat with them!) and dh and dd made it really special. I wish I could just focus on that but I can't help letting my parents' behaviour over shadow the day. I just feel so upset and angry. I worked so hard to get my degree and I only get one graduation day. Why couldn't they just behave for one day and try to make it special?

OP posts:

toomuchtooold · 01/06/2015 21:50

Feeling your pain OP. When I passed my PhD viva I went out to phone my parents with the news, got my dad, he was like "well done, now wait till I tell you about this argument I had with your mum." DH's brother came out with us for dinner on the night DH passed his viva, bitched and moaned all the way through the meal. DH's parents didn't even come to his graduation!

If it's new in the family they sometimes don't seem to see the importance. Totally depressing that my mother burst into tears and hugged me when I told her we were getting married: I'd have loved that response to passing my PhD!

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 01/06/2015 21:58

Can I sneak in to share my personal pain? I got a full sweep of A Grades in my A levels a year after my mum died of a horrible illness. My dad told me I didn't deserve them and I was a crap daughter who gave him no respect. Never really got over that.

Massive for you, OP. It's a brilliant achievement, well done.

Original poster

Squirrel78 · 01/06/2015 22:09

It would seem that crap parenting produces genius children

OP posts:

FunnyHowThingsWorkOut · 01/06/2015 22:21

must try less hard.

MistressDeeCee · 02/06/2015 00:16

Im at a loss as to why anyone bothers to invite ill-mannered people to important family events and achievements. Why, if you know they have form for offensive and/or narcissistic behaviour? Why would you even want them to be a part of your celebrations?

I guess it must be true that blood is thicker than water and that a lot of people feel they "owe" their parents...but thats a real shame because it means grown people who can't pull away from this edict continue to put up with behaviour that makes them feel like shit, simply by virtue of the people dishing out that behaviour being related to them.

Life really is too short and precious for some things. I know it sounds corny but several years ago I just decided I didn't want anyone negative, draining, bitchy"it always has to be about ME" people around my life or my DDs life anymore. Whether family or not. Putting it into practice wasn't easy tho...I remember by narcissist DM being enraged that I seemed distant, & ringing my DDs "oh your mum clearly isn't well, she is mentally unstable" blah blah blah..lots of horrible comments I don't care to remember. But I also remember after a while feeling I wished Id done it years ago. Its like having a huge weight off my shoulders, I feel free

I simply won't put up with horrible people anymore. I don't feel that I am obliged to. & I like the peace that comes with that.

Congrats OP, your DH & DD made the day special for you. & nobody can take away your achievement

Karoleann · 02/06/2015 00:22

How annoying for you...but your dot your degree and that was the point of it all - congratulations.

It has been said...but you can't choose your parents.......

LindyHemming · 02/06/2015 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Squirrel78 · 02/06/2015 07:10

Mistress I didn't feel I owed it to them - I funded the six years education myself, paid for my robes and photos myself and incidently their sears too.

I think I've always tried to do the "right thing" in life so I can live with myself but I have to admit, I'm coming round to your way of thinking. My mum is good with dd and I don't want to deprive my daughter of a relationship with her grandma but if there is some way I could mentally detach myself from my parents so that their behaviour doesn't affect me, I would love to be able to do it.

I think I've just been too "nice" for too long and it never pays, you just get walked over. I think I have to change but the habits of a lifetime are genuinely hard to break.

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirrel78 · 02/06/2015 07:11

Seats not Sears!

OP posts:

grannytomine · 02/06/2015 10:57

Imustgodowntotheseaagain, I really hope your dad was still struggling with grief and that isn't how he normally treats you. It must have been so hard for you at that age and you did brilliantly to do so well at such a difficult time.

I feel really sad for alot of you, not all of us oldies are horrible and as someone generally referred to on here as "granny" can I be "granny" to you all and say I feel proud of you all, of what you have achieved and how you have coped with difficult times. Just don't let it hold you back.

MistressDeeCee · 02/06/2015 11:20

I've always tried to do the "right thing" in life so I can live with myself but I have to admit, I'm coming round to your way of thinking. My mum is good with dd and I don't want to deprive my daughter of a relationship with her grandma but if there is some way I could mentally detach myself from my parents so that their behaviour doesn't affect me, I would love to be able to do it

Thats me to a T Squirrel. Its not easy...you don't walk around smiling about it, because its a horrible family dynamic really. But better self-preservation than people consistently inflicting hurtful behaviour upon you. I really do feel "lighter"

I worded the "owing" part wrongly - I was more talking about when other people decide you owe them, by virtue of them being parents/family and use that assumption in an "I can do what I want, s/he HAS to put up with it" way.

My DM is in her 70s now and truly doesn't understand why we're not like the Waltons, surrounding the Matriarch of the family. Our family was blighted by her secrets and lies and very well thought out mindgames, playing me & siblings off against the other. It is a relief not to have her and certain other family members around. All the noise & anxiety has gone away

You have your achievement, and your own little family unit now who are proud of you. Sometimes you just have to be glad you aren't in the shoes of somebody who can't even celebrate their own offspring's achievement.

Congrats. & its onwards & upwards now, You have the right to a happy life. Don't let anybody blight it. We don't get time back

Original poster

Squirrel78 · 02/06/2015 19:24

Thanks Mistress - wise words indeed x

OP posts:

OllyBJolly · 02/06/2015 19:36

My first graduation my parents just so didn't want to be there. I was the only one in the family to go to Uni and I'm not sure if it was discomfort or just bloody rudeness but they made fun of other people (mainly parents who were obviously so proud of their offspring and had gone to town with their clothes). That and loud complaining about not being able to smoke for two hours.

Second graduation my grumpy teens came and they were in foul moods at having to get up early. Ended up cancelling our celebratory lunch.

Third graduation was in absentia. DD1 graduated in absentia.

Thinking about it, attending someone else's graduation must be a PIA. All the standing around, sitting through boring speeches, and applauding hundreds of students you don't know just to see your relative go on stage for 3 seconds max.

SummerHouse · 02/06/2015 19:38

I feel this way sometimes. But about my children.

Yanbu.

neverevernorever · 02/06/2015 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomuchtooold · 02/06/2015 22:57

Oh I don't know. I enjoyed DH's graduation enormously - but then it was the same department I'd graduated from the year before so I got to see all my undergrad tutorial class graduate and also had the chance to subtly wind up DH's rather pompous supervisor about his Oxford D.Phil and matching colourful gown.

Flip

1 2 3