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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel my graduation was spoiled?

66 replies

Squirrel78 · 01/06/2015 14:45

Had my ou graduation the other day and invited dh, dd and my parents. Mum and dad did nothing but bitch and moan the whole day about having to wait around for the ceremony to start, having to walk a little way to get lunch etc etc. I tried my hardest to keep them happy but nothing seemed to work. They even ruined the meal in the evening by moaning constantly about the lack of choice on the a la carte menu and being rude to the waiting staff.

The ceremony itself was wonderful (I wasn't sat with them!) and dh and dd made it really special. I wish I could just focus on that but I can't help letting my parents' behaviour over shadow the day. I just feel so upset and angry. I worked so hard to get my degree and I only get one graduation day. Why couldn't they just behave for one day and try to make it special?

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 01/06/2015 16:11

People are so lacking in grace these days

I would be so happy and proud if my kids graduated.

Can't believe there are so many begrudging parents around.

geekymommy · 01/06/2015 16:21

Why oh why do people have to make it all about them, instead of plastering a grin on their faces for a few hours? Socially awkward people from my experience (which is HUGE on this subject!) tend to create dramas, have tantrums, be stubborn and just about do anything to deflect attention from the elephant in the room - they don't know how to act.

Some of this is a selection bias. You notice the socially awkward people who do this more than you notice those of us who are just trying to hide and hoping that nobody notices if we do something wrong. You don't notice us because we're trying very hard not to be noticeable.

Narcissistic people might be genuinely (albeit unreasonably) upset that someone other than them is the center of attention for a while.

grannytomine · 01/06/2015 16:33

I am so sorry you had such a terrible experience. I have found on another thread that people seem to think parents have an automatic right to attend graduations, I think your story (and other posters) shows that parents are not always the best people to take along.

Try not to let it spoil the day for you, I am sure your husband and little one must have made up for it. When one of my kids graduated one of the girls had become a mother during the course, her baby was kitted out with cap and gown for the day, she looked lovely, so cute and stole the show (but nobody minded, everyone wanted photos with the youngest to graduate.)

geekymommy · 01/06/2015 16:50

Narcissists are going to try to get the focus back onto them, no matter how special a day it is for someone else. If you expect them to do anything different, you're just going to be disappointed. They can't or won't do that. It sucks, but there is nothing you can say or do to change that.

SiobhanSharpe · 01/06/2015 17:03

I'm so sorry for your bad exerience, OP, it should be a very special day,(albeit a tad boring in places, but you put up with that). DH and I thoroughly enjoyed our son's ceremony in Durham Cathedral, awesome, and the very witty and entertaining speech by the then-chancellor Bill Bryson. I think DS enjoyed it too even though he was somewhat hungover: i don't think we spoiled it for him too much even if we were a liitle PFB. (Yes, even tho he was 22. We still are, really.) But congratulations to you and it's good to hear your DH and DD had a nice time, anyway.

MsRinky · 01/06/2015 17:13

Congratulations OP! Nothing can take away your fantastic achievement, and I'm glad your DH and DD were there to cheer you on. I nearly burst with pride when I watched my DH graduate as a mature student.

To those saying graduations are boring, well I've had the privilege to attend several OU ceremonies, and they are incredibly uplifting, inspiring and joyful events. Maybe because it isn't just 21 year olds and their parents, but people from all walks of life who in many cases have studied for many years, juggling their families and their jobs alongside their study. I'm sorry your parents weren't able to appreciate that and share it with you.

Augustwedding · 01/06/2015 17:19

Sorry they spoilt it but congrats on graduating !

DH has his masters graduation 5 days before my due date so in hoping I don't spoil it for him by going into labour :)

Bambambini · 01/06/2015 17:21

That's a shame, why did they have to act like that on a special day for you! My husband's OU graduation and a meal afterwards was lovely with me ( my 38 week bump) and his parents there. His sister canx last minute in a huff but she has form for that. Maybe you should just tell them.

Original poster

Squirrel78 · 01/06/2015 18:09

Thanks for all your messages - it's both comforting and depressing to know I'm not the only one. Perhaps I was naive to expect more than their normal behaviour and perhaps I shouldn't take it to heart but I really really regret inviting them and always will.

OP posts:

WowProjectingMuch · 01/06/2015 18:11

grannyToOne
. This thread does make interesting reading next to the one about the BF attending the graduation thread.

Soapysuds64 · 01/06/2015 18:29

my University department kindly invited families to look around after the ceremony. My mum told my lecturer that she had just started on HRT and was feeling horny. To give it context, it was a medical-type degree, but I wish she hadn't mentioned it......

grannytomine · 01/06/2015 18:46

WowProjectingMuch, it does show the other side doesn't it. The automatic idea that parents are entitled to the tickets and that they are the best people to go is clearly not always correct. Mind you if anyone from that thread sees me on here I will probably get attacked again. Not a very broadminded group in the main.

I have been to many graduations, five for my own kids, and many in connection with my work. They can be a bit dull, depends who is speaking really. The last one I went to was absolutely brilliant, the organisation, the speaker, the level of care for my husband who is disabled it was all perfect. I do hope the OP is OK, it must be so disappointing, any degree is hard work but an OU degree with a little one is such an achievement.

grannytomine · 01/06/2015 18:48

Soapysuds64, that is brilliant, it probably livened up a dull day for the lecturer. Was it a male lecturer?

Hissy · 01/06/2015 19:27

Sounds like they resent your success and happiness, distance yourself and stop expecting them to be nice people. They aren't.

Invest in those that love you. Your parents are not people who have much investment in your happiness, they look like they'll ruin it to make themselves feel better. Vile.

FatherReboolaConundrum · 01/06/2015 19:53

Congratulations on your degree OP!

My parents spent the day of my BA degree ceremony putting a deliberately unconvincing brave face on the massive disappointment of my degree, because I'd only got a 2.1 (from Oxford). At lunch after my MA graduation my mother asked if I was very disappointed that I'd failed to get a Distinction. They were stuffed at my PhD graduation though because there weren't any classifications for me to fail to get

FunnyHowThingsWorkOut · 01/06/2015 19:55

After my graduation, my family and I went and did something idyllic and touristy in my university town. Meant to be incredibly relaxing and peaceful. Just me and my parents and siblings. You could cut the tension with a knife. Eventually my dad said that he hadn't really wanted to come over from abroad for my graduation because he'd hoped to spend the money and time on a family holiday. While we are LITERALLY doing something lovely and holiday like AS A FAMILY.

It was because I pulled focus from him. Twat.

grannytomine · 01/06/2015 20:02

FatherReboolaConundrum, that reminded me of my son's graduation. He is a bit of a party animal to say the least. The man next to me started chatting, kept telling me how proud he was that his son had got a 2.1 as it was the best, only socially inadequate nerds got firsts. He looked a bit embarassed when he asked what my son had got and I said a first (God knows how, even his tutor told him it was totally unfair that someone who did so little work got a first.) This was not at Oxford I hasten to add. What a shame your parents couldn't be happy and proud.
FunnyHowThingsWorkOut, that is so ridiculous it is hard to get my head round it. As they say, Theres nowt so queer as folk.

FatherReboolaConundrum · 01/06/2015 20:09

granny that your son's tutor said that, that's totally inappropriate even as a joke. I bet the father next to you was embarrassed!

MagentaVitus · 01/06/2015 20:16

SiobhanSharpe

I've graduated from Durham, the cathedral ceremony was lovely!

grannytomine · 01/06/2015 20:21

FatherReboolaConundrum, the banter didn't seem to bother my son (if anything I think he was quite proud of it) and if I'm honest its probably true. The father did look embarrassed, he had been banging on about how inadequate people with firsts were to anyone who would listen. It did make me smile when I thought about just how much partying my son did. The only way he got his dissertation done was by his girlfriend going to stay with him the week it was due and keeping him working and awake with lots of coffee. He phoned me to let me know he had plenty of time as he was waiting at the printers an hour before he had to hand it in. He has given me more than a few grey hairs.

iammargesimpson · 01/06/2015 20:26

After my graduation (also from the ou) I put a pic in the local paper of me in my gown with a blurb about the degree, etc. at the time my dad and I were having only a little contact but he was aware I was doing courses with the aim of a degree. He and my mum are divorced, very unamicably, and she, dh and ds were my graduation guests.

My dad saw the pic in the paper and rang me to tell me he was very embarrassed as his neighbour mentioned it to him and he hadn't known about it. I asked was he not proud of me and he said no he was embarrassed, how could I do this to him, I was a disgrace, etc etc.

I still feel hurt over it but it's his typical reaction to anything any of his four children have done in their lives - he makes it about him.

Needless to say we are now nc.

Allstoppedup · 01/06/2015 20:42

I changed my course after 2 years as I was really struggling with depression and was really not happy with my original choice, I very nearly dropped out completely. It was a dual honours course and I wanted to continue my other subject. In order to switch to the course I wanted to do I had to do a make up exam, essay and interview over the summer holidays to prove competency to begin the second year rather than having to go back and start from scratch. I worked damn hard and managed to get the switch and basically repeated 2nd year and as a result did 4 years instead of the usual 3.

At my graduation my mum loudly mentioned many times that we should/could have been attending my masters ceremony- making me feel like shit despite logically knowing I had worked hard and had done my absolute best. This was interspersed with much whining and general nitpicking.

Sigh. You have all my sympathy OP!

Congratulations on your graduation.

Feelingworriednow · 01/06/2015 20:47

OP, you are not alone! My Dad spent the whole day moaning about what on earth him and my DM mean were meant to be doing when I was have my gown fitting and the briefing on the ceremony. It was an hour! He was so bored by the whole thing that he insisted on driving home straight after the ceremony. No lunch, no photos. Made me feel like crap really as I just wanted him to be proud of me for once. TBH I have always been compared to my brother who got a first in maths from Trinity, Cambridge. "We were a bit disappointed you didn't go to a good uni like your brother". Gee thanks!
My parent have form for this though, they are no good at showing their children they have done something well or there is any reason to celebrate anything, ever! They even left my own wedding early!

squidgyapple · 01/06/2015 21:15

Mine were divorced and bitched at each other throughout the day. Didn't do lunch after either, like yours Feelingworried, though dad bought us ice creams!

Oh and my mum left my wedding early too..

Original poster

Squirrel78 · 01/06/2015 21:48

I think on a positive note - for me personally, I like to think it will make me a better parent to my own dd. I hope I will be far less likely to completely disregard her feelings when I know how much it hurts.

OP posts:

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