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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't just brush it under the carpet?

101 replies

CrohnicallyInflexible · 26/05/2015 12:45

Disclaimer: I have AS so I really don't know which of us is unreasonable here.

I have had a 'difference of opinion' with someone. They asked me not to contact them any more as they were upset. I have apologised for hurting them, and asked what it is exactly I have done wrong (due to AS I find it difficult to work out, other person knows this) they responded reiterating that they want to be left alone, this time they were quite rude (shouting).

Fair enough, I haven't contacted them since. They did however invite DH over a few weeks later. He asked if they were willing to talk about what had happened yet, and the answer was 'can we just forget about it?'

Well, actually, no I can't. I still
don't know what I have done wrong, so I am at risk of repeating the mistake inadvertently. And there has been no acknowledgement that we were both partly responsible. No apology has been forthcoming.

So is the other person U for wanting to just forget about it without apologising/sorting things out? Or AIBU for not being able to forget things as easily as this person apparently can?

OP posts:
funambulist · 26/05/2015 12:48

Why don't you tell us what happened in more detail and then maybe we can tell you what you did wrong (if anything) and can judge who is and isn't being unreasonable.

Orrla · 26/05/2015 12:48

YANBU

Seems to me that you may not have been in the wrong and they just don't want to back down and apologise for misunderstanding you and overreacting.

And they've invited your DH, but not you? Not on. Stand your ground - your DH too.

sparechange · 26/05/2015 12:49

I think that 'I don't want to talk about it any more' or 'can we just forget about it' is shorthand for 'I now realise I was in the wrong but don't want to apologise or admit I was in the wrong, so let's just forget it didn't happen and save my face'.
YANBU, but you aren't going to get a coherent explanation from someone with that sort of mindset

SaucyJack · 26/05/2015 12:50

I don't think they're in the wrong. They don't want to talk the problem through with you. They just want to go NC. This is their prerogative IMO.

I can understand why you're upset tho.

Reignbeau · 26/05/2015 12:51

It's hard to say without more details. Was this person a friend of DH's originally, have they always seen DH without you there too?

hedgehogsdontbite · 26/05/2015 12:52

What do they mean by 'can we just forget about it'? Do they mean everyone or just your DH who's invited but not you?

ItsTricky · 26/05/2015 12:52

Your DH should be firmly on your side. He shouldn't be 'going over' at all if this person has cut you off completely when you've been open and trying to sort the problem out.

aprilanne · 26/05/2015 12:52

hello i can get both sides .my 15 year old son has autism and says some things that are offensive to others without meaning it or really getting why others are offended .i get that the other person just wants to forget it .but unless you know you will just repeat the same mistake .i would ask your hubby to get them to explain it .then you will know . then apologise .but i know it,s hard

Koalafications · 26/05/2015 12:53

Can you talk us through your last encounter with this friend? We might be able to pick up what has upset her.

But, I think you are right that she should be willing to at least say what has offended her.

Theycallmemellowjello · 26/05/2015 12:55

It's a shame that they don't want to talk about it, but they are perfectly within their rights to refuse I'm afraid. I think it would be ok for you to send a brief message explaining that you don't understand what you did and genuinely want to know. But if they refuse then you can't really do any more. You'd be perfectly within your rights to not to resume contact with them if you don't want to in these circumstances.

NRomanoff · 26/05/2015 12:58

Without the details its impossible to say who is bu.

When I have been upset by people, I want leaving alone for a while. I sort myself out then want to move on. But you can't do that, understandably.

Its entirely up to you what you do. Your choices are to brush it under the carpet, or tell them you can not brush it under the carpet and you need to know what you did wrong so that you don't make the same mistake again.

Does this person know about your AS?

lionheart · 26/05/2015 13:02

The other person does know--it says in the OP.

But even if you didn't have AS and this had happened it would still make sense for the other person to explain what they think you have done wrong. Shouting and silent treatment is hopeless.

VelvetRose · 26/05/2015 13:03

It really does depend on what happened I think op but I understand how you feel. I had a falling out with old friends (we were both very upset about it) but they refused to even try to resolve it.

You've apologised and offered to talk about it and they are still not budging. Honestly I'd leave it. You can't make them resolve it and continually worrying about it or making efforts that are rebuffed is a waste of energy. I don't think your dh ought to be popping over for friendly chats though if you are excluded!

NRomanoff · 26/05/2015 13:04

The other person does know--it says in the OP.

Whoops sorry, i read it differently.

It would make sense, but not everyone is the same. Some people just want to move on. Some people would be willing to just move on and forget too. The OP isn't able to do that.

PeppermintCrayon · 26/05/2015 13:48

It sounds like they wanted to cool off and handle their own feelings without having to deal with yours too.

Hissy · 26/05/2015 14:13

Fair enough, I haven't contacted them since. They did however invite DH over a few weeks later. He asked if they were willing to talk about what had happened yet, and the answer was 'can we just forget about it?'

Can we just forget about it only works if it's extended to YOU TOO. if not, then it's a perpetuation of the issue. Do you/DH need to be in contact with this other person, and why is he not refusing to go if you are not with him?

flora717 · 26/05/2015 14:45

If if differ on something (and that is all) it seems a very extreme reaction. It might be this 'thing' is a very sensitive subject. If that's the case then agreeing (between you) that subject is "off limits". Someone else being asked to forget it seems odd. Are they extending this so they want you and them to put it aside and move forward. Or do they want to simply remain friends with DH.

Either way, I would give it a bit longer. Let them perhaps get the time to come to you (as you've apologised).

RainbowFlutterby · 26/05/2015 14:52

It depends what the difference of opinion was about really.

A (fairly) extreme example would be that you are anti-abortion and the other person has just had an abortion for medical reasons, in which case you would be being very unreasonable.

Original poster
CrohnicallyInflexible · 26/05/2015 15:01

I don't want to go into too much detail in case it outs me.

Briefly, other person is SIL (hence wanting to see DH). I was included in the invitation, but didn't feel I could go if we couldn't deal with the situation, as I knew that I would be very anxious and risk a meltdown. The 'difference in opinion' is very minor- I texted to ask about something, she asked me not to contact her as I was upsetting her. But I don't know why my text upset her. DH read the text and agreed that the content was reasonable, so we don't know if I texted too often or not enough or what.

But the second time she asked me not to contact her, when she shouted, she basically said she had had enough of my meltdowns!

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 26/05/2015 15:07

OP, sometimes people get upset for reasons that may or may not have to do with you, and may or may not make sense to you. Having to explain why can be a bit awkward and humiliating - and can feel as if you are being asked to justify your upset.

I totally get why you want to know; I don't know what you said or if SIL is just being a drama queen. But while I get that you want to ensure you don't repeat the mistake, it's also important to respect the fact that someone may not want to talk about it. It's okay to ask once; after that you kind of just have to leave it.

It's hard to comment without knowing the full situation; it sounds like she's being really unpleasant. But some people will appreciate being asked why they're upset, and some won't want to answer, and you can't really push them to.

It's really hard to say any more without knowing what you said to SIL in the first place.

soapboxqueen · 26/05/2015 15:10

I think your dh needs to act as broker so you can have a sit down talk with your sil to sort everything out. There may be something really major that needs to be sorted out or it could be small. You might be unreasonable, she might or a bit of both.

However it is not tenable to go through life not knowing what you did wrong and hoping you don't do it again to avoid the fallout. Anyone would find that stressful.

Your dh can't just sit on the fence. He needs to back you with his sister and help to sort things out.

Lavenderice · 26/05/2015 15:45

I'm a bit confused by your OP. You say you don't know what you have done wrong but you are annoyed that there has been no acknowledgement that you were "both partly responsible" and you say you want to to know what you did but turned down an invitation to talk about it.

Kleinzeit · 26/05/2015 16:37

Saying “can’t we just forget about it” does not mean really forgetting about it. It means, deliberately not talking about the issue any more. Sometimes as sparechange says, it can be because the other person is at fault and does not want to admit it. But sometimes it can just mean that talking more about what happened will only cause more disagreement and will not lead to a greater understanding between you. Your SiL may feel that the best way to keep the keep the peace is not to discuss it at all. That is not “brushing it under the carpet” - perhaps a better term would be that she wants to “draw a line underneath it”.

It might help if your DH could act as a broker between your SIL and you. Would your SiL be willing to explain to him what was wrong with the text, and then have him try to explain it to you? That might work better than you and your SiL trying to deal directly with each other. Perhaps your DH can explain to her that for you it is very frightening not to know whether something you say or do will accidentally upset her. She probably thinks that you refused to see her because you feel offended and angry with her, when really you are afraid.

I don’t know exactly what you do when you have a meltdown. To me a meltdown is quite an extreme or even violent reaction and it is very upsetting for other people. I do think it is important not to melt down around your SiL, but equally your SiL should always give you a way out – if you feel a meltdown coming on and want to get away to calm yourself down and deal with your feelings in privacy, then she should allow that. She should not insist that you hang around and “play nice” instead, because that’s not a reasonable expectation. Perhaps this is also something your DH needs to explain to her?

Original poster
CrohnicallyInflexible · 26/05/2015 17:22

lavender I don't know what I've done wrong, but I accept that I have done something so the initial upset probably was my fault- though unintentionally. However, she then upset me by shouting. Hence why I said the disagreement as a whole was partly both our faults. I have tried to acknowledge my part but it's hard when I don't know what I've done! And I haven't turned down an opportunity to talk- SIL invited me round but expressly said she didn't want to talk about it.

klein thank you, that is really helpful. So far, DH has tried to be the broker, but she is not willing to discuss at all. We have tried to explain my AS to her (before this upset) but she is not willing to listen due to going through a tough time herself at the moment.

My meltdowns in private can indeed be violent, but like many with ASD I can mask in public, this includes in front of my SIL. She has not seen a full blown meltdown, only minor ones (eg shouting and storming out). Not that it excuses my behaviour, but it shows I am trying! I do need to work out some strategies for meltdown avoidance, I am only very recently diagnosed and it's the main thing I am struggling with. I do feel I need some support with it from family though.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 26/05/2015 17:30

If she's saying she can't talk about it, can't deal with thinking about your AS and can't deal with your meltdowns as she's going through a tough time at the moment, the I think you should to leave it at that. I don't think you have a 'right' to a discussion although of course you were within your rights to ask for one and I understand why it would be frustrating not to have one. It's pretty usual for people to feel the need to limit additional stress in their life when they are already under stress. She's being quite clear about her needs and is saying she can't deal with this at the moment. It sounds like she is willing to be civil and move on, so I suppose you have to choose whether to accept that or continue to avoid her. I don't think you can oblige her to talk though, sorry!