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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm sure DH is cheating on me

60 replies

BobbyElvis · 25/05/2015 10:35

I'm sure my husband of 17 years is having an affair - all the usual signs are there. Overtime with no extra money to show for it, distant, hiding his phone, no intimacy, snappy with the DC and everything is different.

I can't bring myself to ask him and I'm hoping my instincts are wrong. Can they be wrong? I honestly think I would forgive him and we could work on making our marriage better again.

WIBU to check where he is via the "Find my iPhone" app on his phone?

OP posts:
flora717 · 25/05/2015 10:42

If he's working a lot and snappy then I'd suggest stress. But the phone aspect stands out. Have you asked to borrow his phone to check a number or look anything up.

If you really would want to work on the marriage then you will need to talk and face challenging subjects with an open mind.

flora717 · 25/05/2015 10:44

And to me yes. Unreasonable to access someone's phone without their say so. But I suspect I'm in a minority.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 25/05/2015 10:45

Of course you can be wrong. Or right, no-one here can tell you (although a lot will, as if they know more than they do!).

Be a grown up, and talk to him. It's the only sensible option.

NotYouNaanBread · 25/05/2015 10:46

From reading such threads on here, your instincts are never wrong. I'm really sorry that this is happening to you.

The main reason you can't forgive him is because the current situation is giving you time to get yourself in order, protect yourself and secure your financial situation. Get bank statements, payslips, check your household's debts etc. Do you work? Have an income or assets of your own? You can get free advice from a solicitor. He doesn't know you know, so you have a bit of space.

If you forgive him, next time he does it (and of course there will be a next time) he'll be a bit more careful and you won't know what is going on until he springs a divorce on you because he is leaving to move in with his new girlfriend, and then you will be incredibly vulnerable.

I'm not sure the app you mention will achieve much beyond upsetting you - emails and text messages will be more useful in terms of proof, but don't say a word to him yet. Sort out your personal financial situation first.

badbaldingballerina123 · 25/05/2015 10:47

I imagine most people will say it's an invasion of privacy and to simply ask him.

Personally I think someone who is justifiably suspicious is well within their rights to find out what's going on . A cheater will nearly always lie and its reasonable to take steps to protect yourself .

NotYouNaanBread · 25/05/2015 10:47

Sorry - I mean get your proof now, but keep it to yourself while you think.

ollieplimsoles · 25/05/2015 10:49

I don't have much experience personally (although I do remember my dad's behavior when he was cheating on my mum).

Personally I think that checking phones/ looking through pockets should be a last resort.

You need to talk to him, explain he has felt distant and is everything ok at work, etc?

I would ask to quickly borrow his phone to check a number and see how he responds.

mrstweefromtweesville · 25/05/2015 10:50

By all means check his phone and use the 'Find My iPhone' app. Check also his bank statements. Do you have friends at his workplace? If so, drop in for a chat and see if they look uncomfortable.

And after that, whether you have 'evidence' or not, if you still have doubts, talk to him.

If his changed behaviour makes you suspicious, you are right to check. But people make a big fuss about collecting evidence. It isn't important what he's doing, where, or who with. What matters is how he is with you, and if that isn't right, that's enough.

DonVitoCorleone · 25/05/2015 10:52

Id say, always trust your instincts.

But if you ask him directly id put money on him denying it

BeCool · 25/05/2015 10:52

"Be grown up and talk to him. It's the only sensible option".

Yeah cause there is no way he would ever lie to his wife to conceal his affair ShockShock

Op you might like to move report this thread and get it moved to Relationships. You'll get some quality advice over there.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 25/05/2015 10:54

Of course he might lie. But its generally easy to tell if someone you know that well is lying.

But assuming an affair on no proof at all and proceeding as if it is definitely true makes no sense.

NRomanoff · 25/05/2015 10:54

Of course you could be wrong. I know people who think this and its turned out not be true. Even occasionally on MN.

You need to ask him. Not track his phone. I say this because a friend of mine tracked her boyfriends phone, she had a lot of trust issues from her previous realtionship. She called him and asked where he was, he said 'in town getting coffee'. She told him she knew he was lying that she could see where he was. He was actually on the outskirts of town getting her, her birthday present, I know he was definitely there as there were a few of us all together helping him pick some jewellery. But he was so upset that she had done this, the relationship didn't recover. It was a complete invasion of privacy.

I am not saying you are wrong, but you should speak to him first. If he says he isn't, then revisit whether you track him.

NRomanoff · 25/05/2015 10:57

Yeah cause there is no way he would ever lie to his wife to conceal his affair

So invading his privacy is better than at least attempting to question whats going on. If he isn't cheating, the OP could end up causing a whole loads of problems. Despite what MN thinks, not all men cheat, there could be something else going on.

SaucyJack · 25/05/2015 10:57

How long has it been going on?

My advice would be that whatever you do decide to do to confront the issue, to do it sooner rather than later.

If there is another woman involved, then the longer it's left the far more likely it is to crossover from an over-involved friendship into a sexual affair that there may not be any coming back from for one or both of you.

Most cheaters don't just jump straight into bed with another person.

ollieplimsoles · 25/05/2015 10:57

you might like to move report this thread and get it moved to Relationships. You'll get some quality advice over there.

I think this is a good idea too.

If you talk to him, don't mention affairs or ask if he is cheating, ask him if something is stressing him or if he is down about something. He will definitely lie if you ask him outright, then he will know you know and panic.

I think after 17 years you know what his usual response to stress is and if this feels different I would strongly consider NaanBread's advice.

Fairenuff · 25/05/2015 11:01

If you ask him he will deny it.

I honestly think I would forgive him and we could work on making our marriage better again.

If you tell him that, he will carry on cheating on you.

Before you speak to him you need to decide exactly where your boundaries lie.

Fatmomma99 · 25/05/2015 11:05

I hope you're wrong, Bobby. That would be very sad.

My vote would be NOT invading his privacy. It's just wrong. And not treating him like a grown up, and not giving him the opportunity to explain. I agree withNRomanoff.
Also agree that it's better to start off the conversation with "is something wrong". Maybe he IS stressed or has something else. Maybe he got into debt and is struggling to pay it, or something?

But if after a conversation (or two) you still think he's having an affair, ask point blank to look at his phone/computer history.

Good luck OP.

BeCool · 25/05/2015 11:06

MRoman it's not what MN thinks, it is what his parter of many years thinks.

Mn'ers so have a lot of collective experience with the Cheaters Script though. It's starts with lies and followed by
Minimising. Mn didn't invent The cheaters script but they are pretty good at giving advice about it.

NRomanoff · 25/05/2015 11:14

MRoman it's not what MN thinks, it is what his parter of many years thinks.

What? I said Despite what MN thinks, not all men cheat, there could be something else going on.

The OP thinks all men cheat?

In threads like this the general consensus is that the OP is definitely right and and do almost anything in pursuit of getting to the truth. The simple fact is that not all women who think their partners are cheating are correct. A lot are, some aren't. To encourage someone to invade their partners privacy, without actually attempting to tackle the subject is (imo) bad advice and if it turns out he isn't cheating, the OP has to deal with the fallout from it.

MrsEvadneCake · 25/05/2015 11:28

OP you say we could work on making our marriage better. If he is cheating it's not because you're marriage isn't good. It's because he has made a choice to be involved with another person.

iwashappy · 25/05/2015 11:28

Your instincts could be wrong but from what you have posted I would say trust your instincts.

If you do speak to him I wouldn't say "if you're having an affair I will forgive you" as that just gives him the green light to show you a total lack of respect.

I agree you need to decide what you want. Do you want proof he's cheating and if so do you think he will be honest with you if you ask him. Do you just want him to stop if he is cheating. Because if he thinks you are onto him it's possible he could just modify his behaviour and carry on cheating if he is.

I hope that whatever it is that is causing him to behave this way is innocent but please be prepared that your instincts may be correct. I am sorry if this does turn out to be the case. You will get a lot of good advice on here.

MrsEvadneCake · 25/05/2015 11:29

*your

buggerthebotox · 25/05/2015 11:33

I'd say go with your instincts too. He's going to deny any direct questions.

The change in behaviour could well be work stress, but the secrecy around the phone is a reg flag imo.

buggerthebotox · 25/05/2015 11:40

....and furthermore he's likely to become sloppy and drop himself in it anyway. If he knows you're snooping he's more likely to cover his tracks.

I'd agree with iwas and prepare yourself for the worst (speaks from bitter experience)

silverglitterpisser · 25/05/2015 11:41

Lots of advice on here already, I will just say I'm sorry this is (probably!) happening to u n I hope u r as ok as can b expected Flowers .

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