I'm sure DH is cheating on me

[BobbyElvis]

I'm sure my husband of 17 years is having an affair - all the usual signs are there. Overtime with no extra money to show for it, distant, hiding his phone, no intimacy, snappy with the DC and everything is different.

I can't bring myself to ask him and I'm hoping my instincts are wrong. Can they be wrong? I honestly think I would forgive him and we could work on making our marriage better again.

WIBU to check where he is via the "Find my iPhone" app on his phone?

Do you have access to the phone itself? There is a way you can see all the places it frequently goes to - google it.

Good advice from pleasant and uptheanty.

If your investigations reveal something, you do not necessarily have to confront him with that specific evidence. The evidence gathering is just to establish what you understand as a baseline and then use that to question him to see whether he tells the truth or lies. If he lies, that is grounds for investigating even further and escalating one notch up.

Slowly turn the screws without tipping him off and protect yourself financially. If you might not find anything in which case that is great. However, trust your gut.

Agree with others not to mention you will forgive him. That is tantamount to giving him carte blanche to cheat. He will continue to do so behind your back whilst trying not to get caught but even if he does, he is safe in the knowledge that you will take him back. It is a cheat's dream scenario.

Quite a few years ago my now estranged husband was cheating on me and I drove myself almost insane in the pursuit of evidence collection.

Trackers in the car, screen shot and key stroke software hidden body cams I even had his car clamped just to see who he would call to get cash to unclamp it. no matter what I did he still denied it.

In the end I had emails to and from several women, audio recordings of him with them, shit loads of profiles with pictures on meet up for no strings sex web sites and actual photographs of him having sex with about 20 other women. Even when confronted with all of this he still lied and said he wasn't up to anything.

I started doing this after one of them phoned me with a load of gory over share details before that call I had no idea.

My need for evidence was to protect me from having to make him rich due to the prenup we had, ok so it achieved that but the flip side of it was I turned into a person I did not want to be and every single bit of evidence I obtained killed me inside just a little bit more and every single confrontation and lie piled on the stress and anger.

I have no respect for myself regarding my conduct during that time in my life.

The entire period of time I was snooping actually made me feel worse than if I had have just yelled at him a bit then told him to fuck the fuck off.

Granted he was cheating and that was totally his responsibility but I am responsible for the bitterness and hostility and dragging the whole thing out that me snooping caused.

If I had to decide again what to do and didn't need actual evidence for financial reasons I would not do it again, not even a sneaky text message check,it's damaging low behaviour.

No matter how someone else behaves you don't need to lower yourself to wrong doing as well. Usually after that length of time of knowing someone unless you have a history of suspecting that sort of thing if that's what you think your more likely than not correct. You just have to decide how you move forward.

Do you really need irrefutable evidence and if so how long are you prepared to look for it for? Will one day of checking be enough or will one week? One month? One year? How much can you take of feeling that way? Where will you draw the line one day it's phone location checking next it's chucking 30k at private detectives.

Do you even want to turn into that person no matter how long or short lived it is?

I can see why you think there's something going on. I can also understand why you'd want tp look for evidence. However, too many posters have jumped from "suspicion" to "definitely guilty", IMO.

In your shoes, I'd ask him directly. Of course, if he is cheating on you he is likely to lie to you and deny it. Hopefully, you know him well enough to tell the difference.

I think if you snoop on him then you also need to be prepared for potential fall out if he isn't cheating on you but finds out what you've been up to. I don't think I'd be able to carry on a relationship with someone who did that (and I hadn't had an affair, obviously). Are you prepared to run that risk?

I suspected my ex when he became funny over his phone, having previously been very open and sharey with it.

Also, becoming very distant and emotionally attached from me.

I think our instincts are usually right, especially if you are not normally a jealous or suspicious person.

Have you confronted him? I did and he denied, but we split up, and he was in a relationship with a work colleague a suspiciously short while later.

Hope you are ok, it's a horrible, horrible thing to happen if he is actually having an affair, but best to confront it.

It's a slippery slope.

Sneak a look, you will confide in him eventually, sneaky new 2 Nd phone

And the horrid list goes on.

When I was suspicious something was going on I did check 'phone. I don't give a damn about respecting privacy in that way, as far as Im concerned a man who has decided to opt out by sleeping with another woman then coming back home and sleeping with me, is invading MY privacy in our relationship so why shouldn't I try to follow up my suspicions - IF he has given me reason to mistrust him?

I don't believe in blind trust once valid suspicions have been aroused, it can lead women into shit situations, dumped with no forewarning & in addition to all the upset and fallout, 1/2 your family finances initially sailing out of the door with said man, with you thinking shit, bill due next Monday what am I going to do.

My suspicions were right. & I dumped him. Yes, I did speak to him initially after the emotional withdrawal from me, being snappy etc. He blew up immediately you'd have thought I was accusing him of murder. He was cheating, however. With a woman I vaguely knew who lived locally, and he also passed her home on his way to work. Very convenient for him.

I hope your suspicions are wrong, though. Its a horrible feeling. But, best to know. Good luck.

But then what if he's somewhere else, it sounds silly but you might move onto the next thing, such as well he's away from home and now i need evidence he's with a woman, and then once that, now i need woman he's seeing her in that way, and then i need evidence he's slept with her....it would go on and on and possibly really hurt you in doing so. Theres three routes, withdraw yourself and see if he notices, stalk him or be super nice to him and see how he reacts....
Really hope this works out for you and best of luck xx

I know a guy who outs his phone in airplane mode when visiting his barious ow to avoid his wife finding him.

My ex had three affairs and I KNEW everytime but talked myself out if it. I think if you suspect you are probably right