I'm sure DH is cheating on me

[BobbyElvis]

I'm sure my husband of 17 years is having an affair - all the usual signs are there. Overtime with no extra money to show for it, distant, hiding his phone, no intimacy, snappy with the DC and everything is different.

I can't bring myself to ask him and I'm hoping my instincts are wrong. Can they be wrong? I honestly think I would forgive him and we could work on making our marriage better again.

WIBU to check where he is via the "Find my iPhone" app on his phone?

Well I would do the find my phone thing, OP.

I do not sneak up on my husband or invade his privacy in any way, but if I had a strong reason to think he is cheating I wouldn't have a problem doing so.

You can just talk to him but some people are amazing liars anyway, so I would want some more proof before confronting.

If he is a good liar and he knows you are onto him (if he is cheating) then he may be more careful with any evidence. IME, a lot of people who are cheating will deny it, minimise it and it is amazing how well people can lie when they want to, no matter how well you may think you would be able to tell.

A lot of people advise on the relationship board to collect evidence before confronting. I would have no problems invading privacy if I think it might be the only way I can get evidence so I can possibly salvage my marriage.

I hope OP that you are on the wrong track, but you do what you think you need to do

Though I think it's a bit sad that you're already planning on forgiving him, I do think you need to address it in a way that isn't tracking his whereabouts.

Maybe turn up at his office while he's supposedly doing overtime to meet him for dinner as a 'reward for his hard work'. Or maybe talking about booking a nice long holiday with the non-existent over time pay. Anything more discrete that blatantly tracking where he is. You currently have no firm evidence so I'd be reluctant to do anything that belied your suspicion at this stage as you could well damage your marriage if he isn't cheating.

Sorry you feel like this.

I would like to say that I have seen many people on here sit down and ask their DP/DH outright if they are seeing someone else/been/being unfaithful and when they get the answer they want - NO, they still come away either then or at some point in the future, still feeling unsure.

Yes in an ideal world a good little chat would clear the air and resolve all. Sadly, if someone is devious enough to cheat then they are devious enough to lie and/or do whatever they need to do to cover their tracks and perhaps continue.

Sadly, once they know you have an inkling, future "affair/cheating" behaviour is modified leaving it harder for you to know.

Something has made you think like this and you need to decide how far you are willing to go to find out more information. It could be simple things not involving snooping but perhaps asking where he is working late and turning up to surprise him with a coffee/small treat snack or tea, checking if he where he said he is. If he isnt then this opens up a conversation allowing you to question where he was (without alerting him to the fact you think AFFAIR) and judging his reaction.

You could keep an eye on mileage on the car and see if there is any unexplained depending how regular his lifestyle habits are. Have a look at bank statements (if you have joint accounts) to see where cash is being withdrawn, cards being used etc. Its subtle snooping without invading his privacy. You could also now start keeping a record of all his working late and gently mentioning as he has worked X hours overtime this week and last week, shall we do X or why don't you treat yourself to X(something he wants/has had an eye on) with the overtime money - then perhaps after payday - "ooh thats strange, did you not get your overtime paid this month?" - Gently, non accusing but his reactions may put your mind at ease or provoke your current line of thought, meaning you need to decide how to proceed further.

Or you could just go straight in there with something more instrusive like checking his computer history, mobile phone,pockets, searching cars etc

Proceed how you feel comfortable, bearing in mind how you will explain yourself if hopefully you are barking up the wrong tree.

My ex denied the affair even when I found the emails and confronted him with her name and quotes from them (which I only found because I was at the end of my tether with his odd behaviour and constant denials so I went snooping).

I wouldn't put much faith in a cheating man admitting to it, they're already lying and I'm not sure what you'd believe anyway once your suspicions have gone there now.

I'm not sure what to suggest to be honest, but I hope you get the peace of mind you need soon.

Get some evidence first and also take some steps to protect yourself - check bank statements, paperwork etc. If he's cheating he will lie, lie, lie. OR he might be relieved and decide to leave you then and there (that's what happened to me - although he was a boyfriend, not husband so he had a lot less invested in the relationship). Either way you need to be prepared.
I have no problem with snooping around if I were to think he's lying to me. If he is cheating, he's a liar and an arsehole who is taking advantage of you. You don't owe him anything in that case. I've never snooped on DP once in almost a decade since we've been together but he's never given me a reason to be suspicious either.
And if you find out it really is just work, you will have avoided having to accuse him of cheating.

The only reason I'm considering tracking his phone is that he has lied to me before. Nothing as serious as cheating but little things that have all piled up to make me not trust him completely. I know if I ask him he will not give me the truth :(

I absolutely would snoop.

Why do you want to be with someone who lies, who you don't trust and who you think may be cheating? it doesn't sound like a good recipe for a happy marriage in fact it sounds like the opposite.

If he is, don't go into the "I will
forgive him mode" straight away.

He needs to know what he has done and it needs to be him begging for forgiveness and working hard to show you that he truly is sorry. Forgive to easily and he could quite easily do it again if the opportunity presents itself.

I absolutely would snoop.

And if I found out my partner had invaded my privacy, read texts, diaries and emails, tracked my movements on the grounds they falsely suspected I was being unfaithful, the marriage would be over and their clothes outside in binbags the same day.

I would consider it such a fundamental breach of trust and mutual respect that it would end the marriage. The snooping thing is likely to have consequences if the op's partner isn't being unfaithful.

Find my iPhone will email him and tell him the app has been used.

On the iPhone if you go into privacy settings there is an option for 'frequent locations', this tells you where the phone has been - obv this would mean you getting the phone to check.

Even if you track his phone.... Wherever he is, he will deny minimize and try to explain it.
It won't provide you with answers.
I know it's foggy for you now but I would,
Track his phone but not tell him,
Check his bank,
Keep a diary of late nights etc.
Most of all keep calm.
Trust your instinct.

^
Sorry- yes it's correct, if you track his phone he will get an email so I wouldn't do that.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

VivienScott My Dad did something similar. My mum found letters from this OW and confronted him- he STILL denied it.

I don't think tracking his location will help either as other have said- he will explain it away somehow.
He will be likely deleting his emails and clearing his internet history as well. You need to check bank statements to see where withdrawals are being made and if he is getting money for his overtime.

Have you ever called him at work before? You could call his place of work when he says he is there too for some arbitrary reason. If he isn't there- then start seriously thinking how to protect yourself financially.

Fortunately I will be okay financially if anything were to happen. Own house outright and he would move out. I have access to his emails and could delete it if the app sends him any.

So sorry this is happening to you OP :(

Has he ever been secretive or hidden his phone before?

And is he aware you have access to his emails? The 'off' feeling about him could be a number of things but the phone hiding is a red flag.

Cospos, you feel like that because you aren't cheating.

Compos

I would snoop.
If you've got a strong inclination, you need to.
He won't admit if you ask, and you'll forever wonder.
Snoop, look at what you need to. If he isn't, then fine, he doesn't know any better and you know all is ok, if he is cheating then you know and can ltb. Don't forgive him, if he's cheated on you it shows how much he cares for you.

Had a look and it showed he is at work (obviously). A lot easier than I thought but feel so guilty now.

Ok you had a look, he is indeed at work.

but I think its time to have a talk OP, these suspicions didn't come out of thin air, you know your DH after 17 years and you said he had a bit of a track record for little lies.
Maybe ask if he has been a bit stressed recently because you feel the atmosphere between you both is different from usual.

Doesn't mean he isn't cheating.
Any colleagues he mentions a lot? Any new names?
I do think most feelings are right, you just don't always find what you need to.
Maybe have a chat with him and get a vibe from him.
Why is he doing overtime? Do you need the money or does the business need him? Maybe just start with mentioning how you're missing him as he's working so much.

If I found my DH had snooped on me I would wonder why he believed I was having an affair. If I was working overtime with no pay, being angry and unreasonable, hiding my phone, no intimacy and had this pointed out to me I would think he was quite justified to check.

Why would I do all those things without discussing it with him or asking for support.

You are going to have to speak to him. Or keep checking his phone to be sure.

Will you tell him you checked? I just think this is getting out of hand. You checked his phone and are prepared to delete emails to cover your tracks, now you feel guilty.

You really need to speak to him. If he says he isn't having an affair and you don't believe the explanations I think you would have to do some snooping. Tell him exactly why you think what you think or spend the next weeks and months checking his phone at different times of the day to check up on him. Do you really want that?

I agree with posters above that gut instinct means a lot. And that someone capable of cheating is more than capable of lying about it. I too would do a bit of snooping.