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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my Mil hates me /us?

69 replies

beezlebop · 29/04/2015 20:58

Someone has put a happy anniversary thing to Me and DP on the dreaded fb. It's lovely and lots of people have commented or what have you. The only significant person who has not is my mil (she has been on fb today btw). This is after I asked for help with my DP and said how worried about him I was. She replied it was basically our business. She is a nightmare, doesn't bother much, drinks etc but I've always tried to keep a relationship going for my kids. I've done nothing to be hated for, and I don't think my DP has. It's becoming a bit like that

OP posts:

Galvanized · 29/04/2015 21:12

Have you missed out the middle of the story? What were you worried about re your DP? Fwiw I don't think anyone should be judged on what they don't do on FB! Your mil might just not think it's an appropriate space for her up reply.

Rainbunny · 29/04/2015 21:19

Well from the very little you have written I'd guess that she is a rather miserable character who maybe jealous of your family unit hence she begrudges your happy milestone events. This is a major conjecture though as you haven't really said much.

SaucyJack · 29/04/2015 21:25

I assume there must be a backstory, because on the face of it she's the perfect MIL by refusing to get involved in your domestics.

SaucyJack · 29/04/2015 21:26

I assume there must be a backstory, because on the face of it she's the perfect MIL by refusing to get involved in your domestics.

Original poster

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 00:05

I am very sorry, I didn't mean to not provide enough info. There's loads of back story unfortunately. I thought if I mentioned this, well it may be I'm being paranoid because of the background iyswim?
My partner dropped out of uni, we met when he was a pub landlord. His parent's company had funded him and he had other perks like a ice school and medical insurance. They lived outside UK and typical expats. My mil has never worked in UK. My fil was lovely but passed away suddenly and horribly of an aneurysm in 2004. My Bil has only just left home, he is hearing impaired and 34. Always with mil, who has an amazing and lovely circle of friends who have always been like their family. I got pregnant fairly soon after meeting DP, circumstances were not ideal but my and his families helped out and we did it. In laws were cool, apart from she loved her wine and called. Me apparently randomly a bloody lazy cow. The men just shushed her. After fil died we go over if possible, but. I am suffering ptsd, workplace bullying and in the middle of a sexual assault case. I have to leave work so we can not afford travel. My parents keep helping even though they're retired and not well off. Mil visits rarely, citing time issues and doesn't interact with us in between. All this time I try to boost conversation, contact etc with kids. I found her difficult, and the drinking scary but just handled it politely and was a good girl.
We then had to move back to near my home town as my darling mum was diagnosed with cancer. Much stress, but basically after. Being warned not to I accepted my mils.offer to buy a house for us as an investment. So we sold our joint house, and moved into a house in names of DP and Mil. Since then things have gone really off. Visits from Mil are rare, as if I'd care but I wanted my kids to have Grannies! I She'll send a card often late for their birthday and buy premium bonds. Last Xmas there were no presents from her for the kids, which was strange. She had before, nothing was said, WTF? All this was suffer able but she didn't come to my mums funeral and she was in the UK. I think that is really out of order
I am currently not working due to mh issues, my mum died in October and I think actually I'm pretty good considering I had ptsd and depression to start with following a hideous 3 years. My DP works two jobs and we have 3 beautiful kids. DP is not easy, and what is scaring me most is that he reminds me of her and I am beginning to think they are both control freaks. He has just spent last hour arguing at me about the like issue. It sounds silly, but it's really obvious his mum is the only one who hasn't posted and it just highlights her behaviour publicly this time. sorry for typing errors

OP posts:

Original poster

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 00:10

Just to add, she has no financial constraints and generally travels and visits friends to pass the time as well as being a member of many social groups and expat activities. She retired at 55.

OP posts:

SilverBirch2015 · 30/04/2015 00:24

You do sound like you have had a tough time.

But you maybe over focussing on this FB like question. I can't really comment on whether it was deliberately meant as a snub or whether it was just an oversight.

You know her better than us randoms on MN, but I can't really see from your longer post that she is a seriously bad MIL, a bit preoccupied with her own life possible and not willing or able to give you the emotional support you are missing from your own Mum.

She may not have the ability or skills to help you or be unwilling to help any more. However much you would like more from her, she sounds like she feels she does not want to become too involved, that is her choice. As she said it really is up to you and your DH to live your own lives together. it's tough sometimes but people can only give as much to support others as they may not be able to fix all your problems fo you.

madreloco · 30/04/2015 00:28

I wouldn't publicly wish you happy anniversary if I knew you were having serious marital difficulties. I don;t see what she has done wrong at all.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 30/04/2015 00:30

You do know facebook doesn't put every post from every friend on your timeline don't you? So it's perfectly possible she hasn't seen it.

As for the other stuff, well I don't really know. Other than not getting the dc xmas presents it all sounds like hearsay and a bit chippy. I'm not sure what the problem is with premium bonds?

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 30/04/2015 00:53

Hi op your post is a bit difficult to follow really.

Ignore fb! It's not real life or important it's just froth!

The most important relationship you have is with your dh and your little family unit. If that's strained then that's when you need to focus on that not your mil.

Original poster

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 01:17

I am sorry for the difficulties in reading my post. I appreciate that fb is froth, tbh the funeral really upset me and this fb issue is just an indicator. When her dh died we flew straight out to help of course. I supported in any way I could. She was in this country and did not attend. When I messaged and asked for help, actually I begged her to speak to my DP as I was so worried(her son) just a text saying it was best we sorted it out. Since then nothing.

OP posts:

QueenofallIsee · 30/04/2015 07:31

I am sorry OP but the FB thing is way way out of proportion, an hour arguing with your DP over his Mums actions on social media? Really?

I am so sorry about your Mum and the other problems but none of that is your MILs fault. By your own admission you weren't ever close, she sees her son working 2 jobs and supporting someone through grief and mental health issues and her empathy is likely only with him and not you - I am not saying that is right or that I agree but you seem to be very focused on her actions and how you think that she should be there for you during your troubles. Not sure why she would be, not all extended families operate like that

NerrSnerr · 30/04/2015 07:35

If he's a partner I'm guessing it's anniversary of first date/ shag/ day you met? Lots of people don't acknowledge that as a real anniversary so I wouldn't think twice.

DocHollywood · 30/04/2015 07:41

The only thing that would worry me was that you sold a house and have a new one that isn't in your name. Was your share of the sale reinvested in this new house? As for getting upset over a non-comment on FB, that's because you have too much on your plate just now. Insignificant things become massive. Can you not try and live your life without thinking about mil too much? I'm sure you will be happier, she obviously doesn't fit the box that you think she should so there's no point in fretting about it.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 30/04/2015 07:43

With all do respect,as you've been through a lot, but from what you've put, at worst she just seems a bit distant and wrapped up in herself. If she does dislike you,she's not doing much to show it. And did she know your mum well? Your not close to her and your mum probably wasn't so it seems strange getting upset about her not going to the funeral.

Possible your partner is annoyed that you keep focusing on these small infractions his mum makes and that's why there was an arguement.

Take care of yourself op and stop focusing on her.

BeaufortBelle · 30/04/2015 07:51

forget the Facebook issue

Does she think she has helped so much financially that the Christmas presents are "frothy"

My MIL is always late with the cards for everyone and has never actually bought and wrapped up a present herself for the children although has given me money

My MIL and mother don't know each other - have met twice in 25 years except for Christenings, etc., so I wouldn't expect either to attend funerals relating to the other side of the family - it would have been totally inappropriate if my mother had attended my fil's funeral

I can't see that she's doing that much wrong to be honest. I can see that you are having a difficult time and perhps that some counselling would help you come to terms with it. I feel a bit sorry for your DH doing two jobs and as I have a grown up son I think I might also feel worried for him if he was doing those sorts of hours and his wife had given up work.

I hope you get your problems sorted out soon.

AuntyMag10 · 30/04/2015 07:53

I'm sorry but Reading your backstory I can't see what your mil has done really that's wrong. I think it's a case of what's the other side of the story.

Original poster

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 08:39

Maybe I am not making myself clear. She ignores my DP too.

OP posts:

PeppermintCrayon · 30/04/2015 09:26

Hated is a strong word.

Original poster

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 09:47

As for the other side of the story there is none. I have done my best to be friendly and welcoming to allow her to build a relationship with our children. I would hope that if a mum received a distress call about her son she would respond. She did not.

OP posts:

madreloco · 30/04/2015 09:57

She declined to intervene in your marital problems. Thats normal enough. She bought you a house? Whadda cow.
So she's not a very hands on granny, she doesn't have to be. Maybe she finds it difficult to deal with you?

Shakirasma · 30/04/2015 09:58

The fab thing is a complete none issue, I wouldn't acknowledge an unmarried couples anniversary (of what?)

What does concern me is that you have 3 kids and you live in a house which is not in your name and you are not married. Do you realise how vunerable you are OP?

Shakirasma · 30/04/2015 09:58

FB, not fab

NotYouNaanBread · 30/04/2015 10:02

First up, YABU.

The fact that she didn't "like" a post on Facebook about you is NOT a public statement of her undying hatred for you. You are being melodramatic and childish to think that it is.

Secondly, from her perspective, you are hard work. The details of your problems may be genuine, sad and stressful for you, especially the devastating loss of your mother to cancer, but a mother who is looking out for her child might feel a bit concerned that they have had to put so very much effort and investment into getting their son up on his feet after dropping out of uni, and now he has had three children (you don't mention that you are married?) with a partner who isn't working due to mental health issues, and he is working two jobs to support his family... Well, it might be unreasonable of her, but I can see how she might be anxious about you. She has provided you with a HOUSE though, so while she might be concerned, she is not being unsupportive. Anything but!

Also, you want a heavily subsidised house AND Christmas presents under the tree? Seriously? My father is extremely generous to us (like INSANELY generous) but it would never enter his head to buy us presents. If I want a gift for myself or the children I email him, and either he'll get me the perfume I would like in duty free or let me use his credit card to buy something the children need. Yet my own batty MIL thinks that he is unnatural and selfish because he doesn't wrap up half a dozen toys for them for Christmas.

NotYouNaanBread · 30/04/2015 10:06

Shakirisma makes an excellent point, by the way. You are not working, you have no assets in your name and you are not married to the person whose parents own your home. Did any of your own capital go into the house purchase?

I might be kind of on your partner's mother's side with the issue you brought up in your OP, but you yourself are very financially vulnerable here and you need to stop relying on your partner, your partner's family and your own parents to support you, even if you have had a rough three years.

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