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AIBU?

to think my Mil hates me /us?

69 replies

beezlebop · 29/04/2015 20:58

Someone has put a happy anniversary thing to Me and DP on the dreaded fb. It's lovely and lots of people have commented or what have you. The only significant person who has not is my mil (she has been on fb today btw). This is after I asked for help with my DP and said how worried about him I was. She replied it was basically our business. She is a nightmare, doesn't bother much, drinks etc but I've always tried to keep a relationship going for my kids. I've done nothing to be hated for, and I don't think my DP has. It's becoming a bit like that

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drudgetrudy · 30/04/2015 10:11

I don't think your MIL is the right person to share your worries about your partner with tbh. I can understand her saying that it is between the two of you.
Lots of people don't "like" everything they see on facebook.
I don't think all this means that she hates you.

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 10:12

I am unable to work and before I had to go through the sexual abuse case I was a headteacher. I earned over 40000 a year. We have been together 16 yrs. He house husbanded while I worked 80 hr weeks. I only stay at home because I suffer from ptsd, anxiety and depression and have been signed off work. And as for being greedy, I never asked for the house, it is not mine and I would just like her to show some interest in her grandchildren, that is the only reason I mentioned Xmas presents.

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drudgetrudy · 30/04/2015 10:16

Perhaps she isn't very involved beezle but it may be better than her being over-involved in your relationship.
Perhaps stop making the effort and see what she does.
It could be that you are getting it out of proportion. Anxiety and depression can distort our thinking.
Concentrate on looking after yourself and try to give her less headspace.

OttiliaVonBCup · 30/04/2015 10:19

OP, you lost me at typical expats.

She might not be the easiest person to deal with, but you do seem to judge easily.

As for FB, wtf does it matter so much to you?

Calm down and try to be more open minded.

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 10:20

Maybe you are right drudge, I come from a close family and just don't get the lack of desire.

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AuntyMag10 · 30/04/2015 10:21

Op it might simply be that she does not want to get involved in your marital issues, and that's fair enough if she wants to keep a distance. Yes she might not be putting presents under the tree but she's provided a roof for your children. She doesn't seem that bad to me.

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 10:22

Lol, I am the least closed minded person I know. Typical expats as in all group together, big tax free salaries, free health care, very cliquey. I often get the feeling that I just not posh enough for her.

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beezlebop · 30/04/2015 10:23

The only reason I asked for help was that her son had terrified me.

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AuntyMag10 · 30/04/2015 10:23

From your last post it seems like you are hard work with that attitude. No wonder she keeps a distance.

NotYouNaanBread · 30/04/2015 10:24

Tiny bit of a drip feed there - you didn't say in the beginning that you had such a successful career, and presumably one that you will be able to return to very soon. So my suggestion as to why she might be a bit off with you is irrelevant.

However, it is still a bit concerning that you don't have a legal stake in your own home.

Don't overthink the FB thing. If one of your own students came to you with a similar story you would tell her to pull herself together, right? Not alone do I not like things my IL's post, I have even unfollowed my FIL because of the nonsense he posts. Doesn't mean I don't love him, though!

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 10:28

AuntyMag, I have tried so hard. I have put up with being called a silly cow by her when she was drunk. I live in a home that isn't mine and her son spends most of his time shouting at me. Why is it me that has the attitude? I've told you what has happened to me over the last few years, Tbh I'm pleased I'm still standing.

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OttiliaVonBCup · 30/04/2015 10:29

Typical expats as in all group together, big tax free salaries, free health care, very cliquey.

Oh, no not judgemental at all.

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 10:30

Thanks to all, and notyounaanbread, yes the fb thing is silly and froth. I feel hurt though I suppose and alone. My mil has a son losing it and she hasn't shown any willing to help.

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madreloco · 30/04/2015 10:30

Her husband died, her other son has only just left home at 34 (with his own issues), she bought you a house, she helped you when you got pregnant soon after meeting, she sends the kids premium bonds etc.....maybe the poor woman just wants some time for herself to not have to help anyone? You and your husband are presumably in your late 30's at least, your parents are still helping you...and all you can do is complain about what your MIL doesn't do?
She doesn't owe you any more. I'm sorry for your troubles but you do seem to need an awful lot and she isn't obliged to keep giving for ever!

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 10:32

It's true, sorry. They all socialise together, live in the same area, play sports in their own leagues. When she asked what I spent my salary on I had to explain that you don't get the whole figure and what deductions you lost for ni and tax. When asked about my headship she asked why I hadn't got health care. I am not against their lifestyle, just painting a picture.

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DazzleU · 30/04/2015 10:32

You can't make people act the way you want - you can only control how you react to them.

If MIL is only happy with a distant relationship - that that is what you have to deal with - wishing it was otherwise or expending mental energy or what it isn't helpful.

You aren't going to get her to intercede with your DP - she's made that clear. Frankly many people would love that in a MIL - you don't at the minute but its what you have.

She isn't going to change the type of Grannie she is either - how ever much you wish this - so perhaps you need to stop trying as hard there and put in the amount of energy that you can cope with.

IL often don't like their DC partners - mine have made that plain but we've gotten to a polite working relationship for the DC sake though there have been several comments about me being lazy at the minute - I'm choosing to ignore - it's annoying but ignorable - but challenge when DH or DC copy the comments.

Are you focusing on MIL rather than deal with a DP who is shouting at you or any of the other problems you currently face?

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 10:35

Madreloco, please read op first. My mum is dead. My dad is a pensioner. I ask for nothing off him, or my mil. I certainly didn't want to lose my own home and be stuck in one that is not mine. She stopped my bil from leaving home . I JUST WANTED HER TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER SON AND KIDS.

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morage · 30/04/2015 10:36

"The only reason I asked for help was that her son had terrified me."

What had your partner done that had terrified you?

beezlebop · 30/04/2015 10:37

DazzleYou, thank you, I probably am focusing too much on mil. I think there are issues with both of them. Trouble is a visit has been announced for May and I am dreading it. I know they will argue.

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beezlebop · 30/04/2015 10:39

Morage, I had cooked dinner and he came into the kitchen where I was preparing the plates and basically attacked it. the roast, plates etc went flying. He was repeatedly and violently stabbing the board and food with a carving knife.

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morage · 30/04/2015 10:42

That sounds very frightening beezlebop.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/04/2015 10:45

Your partner isn't as lovely as you think he is - and your MIL isn't as horrible as you think she is. Take some responsibility for your decisions and work now on safeguarding yourself and your children because your partner is the one who is causing you problems, not your MIL. Your MIL sounds reserved and to be honest, I don't blame her.

What can you do to get your independence back and put a separate roof over your heads (yours and children's) if you needed to? You don't have to do it now but you should know what your back-up plan is.

If your MIL is coming to visit in May, absent yourself with your children as much as possible and leave her and her son to argue amongst themselves.

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madreloco · 30/04/2015 10:45

Excuse me, but from your own post : My parents keep helping even though they're retired and not well off

Her relationship with her son is not for you to control.

DazzleU · 30/04/2015 10:45

Trouble is a visit has been announced for May and I am dreading it. I know they will argue.

I can get worked up about visits - they aren't always as bad as I think.

Can you plan - have escape when they do argue - a set of words to trot out like - well that's between your mother and you which mean you don't get dragged into their fights - or an escape for visits period - night our organised or a course to attend or a room to paint something that gives you a break?

I'd focus on what going on with your DP at the minute - is he frustrated, under stress - a complete twat ? have you tried calmly talking to him about the incident or calming stating that it scared you?

madreloco · 30/04/2015 10:46

It sounds to me like you have severe problems with your husband but you are focusing your anger on your mil who has little to do with the issue.

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